Don't know what to do... lying/cheating??

DevCoder

Please listen to the posters above and contact your GP/Womansaid,

Barbiedoll put it so well

Don't waste any more of your life being trapped in this relationship, you can do better than this. Do one thing tomorrow, make one phone call and start moving on and changing things for the better. I wish you well, let us know how you get on.

I appreciate you might not want a male posting on this thread, but just wanted to show you that not everyone is like that and you can and should do better.

Get help, you have already said your eyes have been opened, ignore the keylogger stuff (if he is computer savvy then he will know how to cover his tracks, trust me) and just get out of that relationship.

Your health (both physical and mental) comes first, relationships come second, he might be appearing to be helping/providing for you but it's anything but.

Fire_Fox

PurpleRain wrote: »

Thank you. I'd love to move out but right now I wouldn't be able to cope by myself. My self-esteem is rock bottom & I have anxiety. I have panic attacks when I go out by myself, & hate that I have become dependent on him.

I asked him about the padlock a while back & his response was 'I don't want you snooping around in my room, touching my stuff'. Why would it bother him if he had nothing to hide? My door is always open & my PC is always on... I have nothing to hide.

I haven't even read the whole thread. This relationship is not normal (padlocked room, really??) and not healthy for you. You say you are dependent, but what would happen if he wasn't there? What are you doing to help your mental state? Are you getting talking therapies on the NHS if possible, prescribed medication, eating an anti-stress diet, doing regular physical activity preferably a targeted stress relieving regime?

I just saw you don't think you have friends, you DO on MSE - ok so they are not regular friends but they are supportive and they do care. You are not the only one with mental health issues, not the only one in a unhealthy relationship, far far from it. ((hugs))

PurpleRain_2

Thank you. I get nervous talking on the phone (start sweating & stuttering, & then start panicking). I don't have any one in real life I can talk to, only him.... & if, for whatever reason, he's not talking to me, then I have nobody to talk to. My pets keep me sane-ish My mum used to suffer from panic attacks/agoraphobia when I was younger, because of the way my dad treated her, so I thought she'd be more understanding, but she never asks how I'm coping, or if I've been outside, etc. I can go months without hearing from her.

I've never met/spoken to my new neighbours, but he has. They think he is wonderful & have even told my landlord this. They probably think I am some kind of anti-social weirdo. Since I've had anxiety/panic attacks, I worry more what other people think of me. Thank you for your post, krisdorey. It's nice to get a male perspective & it's nice to know that there are some good guys out there.

I do feel like a shadow of my former self. I've always been shy, but I can remember a time when I used to go to town, catch buses, walk places, have a job outside the home, do things for myself, etc. Right now, the thought of doing any of those things again scares me.

I don't drink or smoke. I am changing my diet & my goal is to eventually become a raw vegan. I quit eating meat a few months ago. I'm about to go on a juice fast - I try to juice every day. I eat lots of fresh fruit & vegetables. Then, I'm going to do a parasite cleanse (I have a lot of pets). I don't take any medication (not even paracetamol). I prefer to use natural products. I can't do any exercise as my adrenals are too weak at the moment... even rebounding brings on heart palpitations. I might watch a few yoga videos, as that's supposed to be relaxing.

Thanks for being here for me. I love MSE Thanks for the book suggestion too, I will check that out now. Sorry if I've missed any questions out.

Fire_Fox

OK carrds on the table: I trained in pharmacy but I now work/ qualified in lifestyle healthcare (nutrition, physical activity, smoking cessation). Why the change? Because a decade or so ago I got sick enough not to work - major depression, stress/ anxiety, insomnia and more recently diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder and cyclothymia. So that is my 'bias'.

PLEASE get help you are not coping on your own. Please also get any issues you think you have with you cardiovascular or adrenal systems formally diagnosed. This may be simply an imbalanced diet or sedentary behaviour because you are not going out but there may be something physical that needs addressing. Many doctors will do home visits if you explain you are agoraphobic.

Many health problems - mental or physical - respond well to self care, but many need mainstream healthcare either short term or long term. Raw vegan or fasting IS NOT a proven treatment for anxiety, agoraphobia, parasites, palpitations nor adrenal fatigue. You can actually worsen many of these issues with 'alternative' diets and amateur treatments. Proven nutritional approaches include getting a surfeit of ALL the nutrients you need and eating low glycaemic index. This also supports exercise, whereas restrictive diets and fasting does the exact opposite. If you don't trust me please read the published research for yourself and read up on every essential nutrients so your proposed diet supplies it.

Pets are a wonderful thing for mental health, so glad they are helping you. There are genetic components to many mental health issues but for the most part these are risks, we can fight them with diet, physical activity, stress management techniques and so on. I would love to help you with the lifestyle aspects, but can't until you are fully diagnosed and signed off, and of course only if that is what you want. Ask yourself if you were diabetic or had cancer would you be treating this alone?

ineed

I can only echo the advice about contacting Womans aid, you need to get away from this guy, he's not doing your MH any favours. I'm so sorry you feel all alone in this situation my heart goes out to you, it's not nice when you have to depend on others because of your health. I'd recommend this website http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ for help with your anxiety etc. It's one of the most friendly sites for all things MH related, has many forums, a chat room (for registered members) games centre etc. they have meet ups and pen pal services and it's free to use, everyone there understands what your going through. Also go to your GP if you can and try to get some help.

If you need to talk to someone tonight you can always contact the Samaritans, by phone or email. This website http://www.nopanic.org.uk/ is like the Samaritans, has a free phone number for during the day if you want to talk to someone with first hand experience of MH, or you can contact MIND.

I know you feel very low right now, but this isn't a relationship and I think you know that deep down. Your certainly not pathetic, and your not alone. Good luck to you.

alyth

I think you have been given more than enough advice tonight to make you thinnk, I saw this thread earlier in the evening - and was quite frankly horrified. Ultimately you have to think of yourself - if you are on facebook then no panic have a fantastic forum which if you post in will be answered by anyone, no matter what the time of night.

Look after your animals, you seem to get comfort from them, and that is terribly important. Perhaps I have missed what animals you have but if possibly tonight curl up with them, and try and gain strength in the fact that you were strong enough for whatever reason to post up that things aren't right in your relationship, and I won't comment on that, I'm sure I am not the only person tonight on whom you have touched a nerve, some of us have been in similar situations at some stage in our lives, so we'd like to help you, give advice, support, and assistance.

Take care of yourself, my only thing that jumps out from your posts is that you are trying to control the only aspect of your life that you can control, that is your eating - go and see your GP or even the nurse, allow yourself to unburden and tell them what is going on. In the meantime, good luck, please look after yourself and your animals, and perhaps things may seem better in the morning - my worst time is about 2am, I find myself in my kitchen looking at my uni diary going "these assignment dates can't be right"!

Maureen43

OP, you are not alone. People here are lovely.

Your situation sounds similar to mine a few months ago. If you are waiting for hard proof, then don't bother. I think you know the truth really. People here have given excellent advice and you CAN make a new life for yourself. Nobody should have to live like that.

Please feel free to pm me at any time.
Maureen

Sambucus_Nigra

PurpleRain wrote: »

I do feel like a shadow of my former self. I've always been shy, but I can remember a time when I used to go to town, catch buses, walk places, have a job outside the home, do things for myself, etc. Right now, the thought of doing any of those things again scares me.

I don't want to go into the whole of your past history - but you will do these things again. You will also one day see how you got to this stage, and be very grateful that you got out.

If you do one thing today, call Women's Aid.

Mojisola

PurpleRain wrote: »

I am changing my diet & my goal is to eventually become a raw vegan. I quit eating meat a few months ago. I'm about to go on a juice fast - I try to juice every day. I eat lots of fresh fruit & vegetables. Then, I'm going to do a parasite cleanse (I have a lot of pets). I don't take any medication (not even paracetamol). I prefer to use natural products.

I can't do any exercise as my adrenals are too weak at the moment... even rebounding brings on heart palpitations.

Fire_Fox wrote: »

PLEASE get help you are not coping on your own. Please also get any issues you think you have with you cardiovascular or adrenal systems formally diagnosed. This may be simply an imbalanced diet or sedentary behaviour because you are not going out but there may be something physical that needs addressing. Many doctors will do home visits if you explain you are agoraphobic.

Many health problems - mental or physical - respond well to self care, but many need mainstream healthcare either short term or long term. Raw vegan or fasting IS NOT a proven treatment for anxiety, agoraphobia, parasites, palpitations nor adrenal fatigue. You can actually worsen many of these issues with 'alternative' diets and amateur treatments.

Proven nutritional approaches include getting a surfeit of ALL the nutrients you need and eating low glycaemic index. This also supports exercise, whereas restrictive diets and fasting does the exact opposite. If you don't trust me please read the published research for yourself and read up on every essential nutrients so your proposed diet supplies it.

Please listen to Fire Fox. The changes you are making to your diet may be making things worse. Very few GPs are knowledgable about nutrition and diets but they should do all the basic blood tests for you.

belfastgirl23

I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and was on the verge of agoraphobia for a while too so I know where you are coming from on this. Believe me when I say I know how awful panic attacks feel. But I'm here to tell you that you can come back from this and live a full and normal life.

I'm trying to think about the things that helped me. Honestly though the best advice I can give is not to hide from your fear but to push your own boundaries a little every day. That's the way that you build your own strengths and reserves. Can you think of one thing you could do today that would be a bit scary but manageable? Maybe it's going into the garden, maybe it's going to the shop, maybe it's picking up the phone? If you can identify one thing and do it, that will help you to build up strength to do the next thing. It may be phoning the samaritans and just trying to talk about some of what's happening in your life. But there is a huge positive power in doing something, anything, to help yourself. It's a signal and a symbol to yourself that you are going to change something. However small. And only by doing one thing can you do the next thing. And the high you get after doing that one thing is unbelievable.

By the way the Claire Weekes book looks excellent, ordering it might be your one thing!

The other thing I remember is that I read somewhere the mantra of another panic attack sufferer (I think it was Courtney Love actually) who used to repeat in her head 'inside of me is safe' - that helped me a little in some situations. Along with Rescue Remedy which I always found to be really effective.

Honestly I'm not sure about your relationship, whether it's the cause of your issues or whether your issues have led you to believe such a relationship is worth sustaining. Either way though, the situation you are in is not good. For now maybe what you need to do is focus on building yourself up a bit, getting yourself to a point where you can think about what it is that you need or want.

The other thing to say is that women's aid do have a helpline and they also have online advice, so you don't necessarily need to go out to access help from them.

Finally I do think trying to deal with this by using dietary measures is not helpful and possibly dangerous. Honestly I think you are attempting to exert control in the only way you are able, by trying to control what is going into your body, but ultimately this is a dangerous path. Absolutely a healthy diet is important but you could well be missing out on vital nutrients which could be making your panic symptoms worse. Is this something you really need to do? Can you think through a bit more why you are doing it?

The thing is, people are worried about you being a victim. And I'm worried about you seeing yourself as a victim. You have the power to change your own life. It might seem overwhelming right now but in a few years time you could be looking back and feeling sad for the person you are right now because you are in so much of a better place. I know that's how I feel now, sad for the opportunities I missed but glad for the person I have become.

So is there one thing right now that you're thinking about doing? Can you just pick up the phone, or put on your shoes and do it? Focus on the afterwards, on how it will feel to know you have done it.

Good luck!