Husband left work to avoid paying maintenance

alibrockett

Hi
My ex-husband is leaving his job today because he doesn't want to pay me any child maintenance for his 2 children. He was paying regular DEO payments through the CSA. He was a pub tenant and he had a joint salary with his new wife, plus flat, all bills covered and food and drink! But I only claimed on his half of the salary which was minimal! Then he moved jobs and the payments stopped! The CSA took 6 months to re-start the claim as theri computer system got stuck on our case! Once the letter landed on my ex - he was furious. He stopped the regular money his Mum paid to the kids savings for their activities! He turned up at my house with his wife and verbally abused me - his wife threatened my life! I asked the CSA to look at the assessment and they were able to half it by spreading the arrears over a longer period of time and reducing them to 5%. But that wasn't enough and now he is unemployed. So I will get nothing! His wife is going to get a job instaed! I am so cross. The arrears will always be there I know, but they are only 5% now instead of 40%, as it was re-assessed on my request. Why did I do this as it has got me nowhere! I feel like reducing the contact he has with the children? Each time they go (every other weekend plus teas and some holidays) I dread the kids coming back as they tell me so much rubbish and everything is my fault!!!! help?

kelloggs36

If he leaves his job deliberatley, the CSA can still impose the assessment because of this. He will have to admit that he left to avoid paying though.

overthehills

I feel like reducing the contact he has with the children? Each time they go (every other weekend plus teas and some holidays) I dread the kids coming back as they tell me so much rubbish and everything is my fault!!!!

Yep, really good reason to withold contact. Make life a lot easier wouldn't it? Not an attack at you honest, but a father paying maintanece is not his "ticket" to see his kids. Much like him not paying means he doesn't get to see them either. Hubs ex wife pulled this one on him because CSA made an error and didn't forward 2 payments on to her, so she stopped him seeing his daughter until payments were resumed.
Why not ask if he can make a private arrangement?

now he is unemployed. So I will get nothing! His wife is going to get a job instaed!

Now that seems like a good idea. Maybe that will teach hubs ex wife that the £250 she gets is enough and if she needs to get more money via an alternate source she should look for a higher paid job herself rather than relying on hubby as the easy option. Oh, if only SOME women weren't so greedy and bitter thinking they are getting revenge by hitting the NRP pocket!!

angela110660

Ver difficult situation for you and very frustrating too. Sadly it must happen so much. I remember working with a woman years ago whose husband was a high flying sales guy - then shacked up with a woman in the west country, left the family and became unemployed - his wife and kids got no further support off him. What a rat.

Soubrette

Please do not consider reducing the children's contact with their Dad. A relationship with both parents is part of the rights of the child. I know that helping to support a child and allowing them to benefit from both parents income is also the right of a child but that is your ex's choice (to deny his children a standard of living that they are entitled to), two wrongs do not make a right and the people that suffer are the children.

I suspect that if your ex has chosen to give up his job then there is nothing you can do, he has no income to be assessed. I have a friend who had three children who was on CSA1, her ex became a house-husband and that was that - no maintenance. If there is nothing you can do about it then you have to let it go for you and your children's sake.

Children are not stupid (well no more stupid than the rest of us anyway) but if they have one parent who is doing their best and another parent who always blames the other one - in the end that is going to backfire. I have always had a policy with mine that they are the important ones when it comes to contact so there are the guidelines of when they see Dad (6 nights a month) and when they see Mum (the rest of the time), if they want to see Dad extra then all they need to do is ask Dad, if they miss Dad, then they can phone him at any time. This is not something that they are allowed to do at his house - he hasn't banned them from phoning me but will make lots of excuses as to why I shouldn't be disturbed. Now they have mobiles I have told them to phone me any time they need to. It is right that a child loves their mum and dad and that is a good message to reinforce. I believe that it reduces the conflict a child feels and a child is happier, the knock on effect is that my children are happier with me than with their Dad who increases conflicting emotions for them.

I am open with the children about our budget (they are older) and always have been - they know how much our household income is and how much I earn per year. We have a fairly low income but have family in Canada which we like to visit every year so we budget quite strongly in other areas - this means that there isn't much in the way of spare income. A knock on effect of this openness is that they know exactly how much their father is choosing to pay for them. This has not been spelt out to them in a malicious way - they know because we are very open as a family.

They also know what happens if they want to see their Dad extra times - he says no because he's busy. I, however, tell them that our house is their home, we have arguments but they are (and more importantly know)that they are never in any danger of being sent away or being told they can't come round because this is their home.

He is not able to find time to do those tiresome things that parents do for their children like ferry them around to clubs or pick them up late from friends - I do all those things. In fact I was so concerned about him letting my 15 year old daughter wander around at midnight after a party on his weekend that I told her to phone me if it happened again and I'd make sure she was picked up.

When the children were younger I would never 'slag' off their Dad in front of them - but I wouldn't make excuses or cover up for him either. For example with the phone thing - they would come home and say that Dad said I'd rather not be phoned. I would always reassure them that they can phone me any time they want to - if they wanted me to comment directly on Dad's behaviour I would say 'I don't know why Dad said that you would have to ask him'. Now they are older we do discuss some things - my younger has a tendency to blame all ills on her Dad's girlfriend so we discuss what choices someone has in being influenced by people. The results of our discussions are not always complimentary to their Dad but I always stress that he is my ex-husband for a reason but their Dad so our relationships with him will be very different.

I am by no means a perfect parent but I try really hard to be fair and consistent, I try to allow the children a role and a say in the family that reflects their age and understanding. In short I try to be the best parent I possibly can be (which means listening to their complaints when perhaps I'm not the best parent and try to change it). I do this because I want my children to have the best upbringing possible but I believe a knock on effect is that they appreciate it and because their Dad is not like this then they look on this house as their home and not his, and me as their parent, the one they will come to in times of trouble and will share the celebrations with first. This is not a situation I feel happy with, I would rather both children loved Mum and Dad equally as I feel that is the best thing for children (and beyond that when they are adults) but I have no control over what kind of father my ex is and in parenthood I believe that you mostly reap what you sow.

If you feel personally attacked by someone (we are dealing with very emotionally subjects here and both NPR and PWC have had difficult situations) then I find it easier to put them on ignore - click on their username and then on their profile - in the top right hand corner is something along the lines of 'add this username to your ignore list' click on that and you won't have to read their posts. I would say though that sometimes it is interesting and very rarely it is educational to see a story from two viewpoints.

Also apologies for the long post, if you can't be bothered to read it all then I'm basically saying that a good parent will, in the end (and it might be years down the line for some), be loved more than a poor parent so it's worthwhile trying to be a good one not just for the sake of the children but because it's a good thing that children love their parents from both child and parent point of view. In an ideal world both PWC and NRP would be good parents but if one isn't managing it then the other should try even harder.

Do you need any practical help with reducing budgets or increasing income - this site is great for those things although I'm sure having been here since Jan 07 - you probably know this already

Good luck

BTW - keep any evidence of threats etc just in case, the only time I would ever consider stopping contact for my children would be if I felt they were in an abusive situation and then I would take my evidence to social services to decide (I'm too biased as I dislike my NRP intensely).

Sou

Loopy_Girl

Ladies, this thread is over 2 years old!!;)

pd001

alibrockett wrote: »

I feel like reducing the contact he has with the children? Each time they go (every other weekend plus teas and some holidays) I dread the kids coming back as they tell me so much rubbish and everything is my fault!!!! help?

Great!
Yet another pwc thinking about witholding contact because they are not going to get any money.
That's all we need
Not good.....not good at all!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that nothing worked out for this person if they did withold contact

socrates

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Ladies, this thread is over 2 years old!!;)

I hate it when that happens!!!

Soubrette

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Ladies, this thread is over 2 years old!!;)

bollox :mad:

Sou

Soubrette

pd001 wrote: »

Great!
Yet another pwc thinking about witholding contact because they are not going to get any money.
That's all we need
Not good.....not good at all!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that nothing worked out for this person if they did withold contact

This is a genuine question but why have you not posted any condemning remarks on posters asking how they can reduce their maintenance to a minimum?

Or the constant claims mostly from NRP partners that no maintenance money is every spent on the children (the legendary pedigree chum and stained vest argument) and yet they don't do anything about it.

Or even this in this thread (thanks overthehills :mad:) someone packs in their job and chooses to pay nothing for their child - not one peep of outrage.

You said once that not withholding contact from my ex meant I was a good person - in my mind paying a fair share (as deemed by the government not the PWC or NRP) of your income towards your children also makes you a good person (and parent).

Withholding income or not paying when you are able to makes you a poor person and a rubbish parent in my opinion - it puzzles me why so many people only seem to think one side of that coin is wrong.

Sou

Edinburghlass_2

Soubrette wrote: »

bollox :mad:

Sou

Great post all the same.