nearly there partner dragging me down

glasgow_DFW

Hello All its been sum time.

I have worked hard to get to the point I am now, just one (interest free):j loan to clear off, having money in my bank account before pay day Its taken time but I have achieved this and I can go on with my life.

However...:(
I have been with my partner from about my LBM even from the start I was clear on my situation and what that meant. Everything that I thought about buying had to be property thought about and the effect buying that would have on everything else. After see this my partner has not followed suit. I do not know all the debts (all finances are totally separate, we do split bills) but I do know about at least one overdraft (racking up charges) and I know that there are letters from other debts.

I have used the example of what I went through, talked him through what to do with the ones I know about, lost the total place and 'GET IT SORTED':mad: I can't do any more.

I will not pay any of his debts, I did not want anyone to pay mine for me I will not do it for someone else. I have taken the all the bills on (it is my flat but our home) as I cannot rely on him that they will be paid and even if I ask he will say yes and then find out that they were not.

I will help but I will not do it.

Sorry not been on the site in an age and I just go all rant rant rant!

I don't know what to do any more, there is one thing, he will not be taking me down with him.

whitewing

I understand that you feel the need to ensure bills are paid. Is he paying towards them at all?

If not, then you would potentially pay your debts off quicker without subbing someone else.

Of course, money isn't everything and only you will be able to weigh everything up.

glasgow_DFW

I am paying all the bills, just as I would if he were not here. The problem is he saw what I did everything that I went through to get to a good point.

After all that he is doing this, is he self destructive? Do I want that around me?

tealady

Hi
At the risk of sounding harsh I would ask him for 50% of the utilities and food, after all if he lived by himself he would have to pay this.
Is your flat rented or owned? If rented he should be coughing up for rent and rates as well.
Yes I know I sound hard, but you are subsidisng him, and for what?

glasgow_DFW

Tealady, you are not hard at all, he is paying for food. At this time he cant pay to the bills.
The flat is mine and there is no way he is paying in to the Mortgage:)

January20

glasgow_DFW wrote: »

Do I want that around me?

That's a good question isn't it? because you know how painful it is to be in debt, how restrictive it is and you have worked really hard to get to where you are now, so what will happen when you are debt free and he is in debt?

You are not paying his debt and you shouldn't but he is a weight around your neck isn't he? because you are paying all the bills and subbing him. In an ideal world, him living with you would mean that your bills are halved. Actually, he is costing you money [STRIKE]in food I suppose[/STRIKE] (oops just read your last post) and certainly in losing your 25% council tax rebate, as well as use of electricity etc.

Also, if you weren't in his life, he still would have to pay his way, bills etc. so how dare he expect you to pay for everything, whilst he squanders his money?

Ultimately, you have to decide what you want in the future and whether you want (can) keep him in your life. Money is not everything but money worries - as you know - can take over your life and ruin all the good things in it.

mildredalien

You are subsidising your partner not just paying what you normally would, as bills would be less without him (probably not half though, living alone isn't cheap!)

You are right not to get involved in his debt, and to question whether you want to be with someone who not only won't tackle his debt but by the sounds of it won't even discuss it openly. Money isn't everything in a relationship and if it isn't impacting on you particularly negatively maybe it's something he has to come to on his own - we all reach our LBM in different ways! However the situation could lead to a lot of resentment from either party though - from you for having to pay for everything and not trusting him to contribute, or from him that he is a 'kept man' or feeling that he is being nagged about his money (quite rightly IMO!)

[Deleted User]

I know that you're not prepared to help him financially to pay his debts (and rightly so in my opinion), but can you/will he allow you to help him sort himself out (go through a budget including all income, expenditure and debt repayment)?

I think you need to sit him down and make sure that he is acutely aware of how the current situation is making you feel.

It seems clear that he has not reached his LBM yet, but maybe you need to nudge that along (if you can)?

Sorry I can't be of more assistance,

D9

ss3n08

Hi Glasgow_DFW

I know you say that everything is split financially (apart from bills) but wouldnt it be useful to know what debt he is in? Debt is a huge holdback and when you have cleared yours you may want to start saving for holidays or something else that he just wont be able to do. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years and up until 2 years ago he was in debt and struggling. I didn't help him but did know the situation as he was upfront and for 5 years I felt like my life was on hold because he couldnt afford to go on holiday or go out to dinner or move house or have kids etc. I stood by him because I could see how hard he was trying. I think if I had know he wasnt making any effort I would have gone because debt doesnt just effect the individual it also effects others around them.

Big congrats on your debt though, thats amazing.

oldhand

Save yourself a lot of heartache and money and get rid of him because when you get your debts clear he will look upon the extra money you will have as both of yours,dont be surprised if some of his debts you know nothing about are in both of your names.......

BlushingRose

Seems he doesn't need to sort himself out as his bills are being paid and he has a roof over his head...