Don't know how to handle this. lie/husband/moving house

papermoney

We are in the process of moving and clearing some debts although we will still have some debt to cope with but it will be easier.

Anyway...

I love my H to bits and he loves me, he just doesn't want children, he just doesn't feel that emotion/need. He doesn't want the responsibility of a baby. (he wasn't around until my daughter was 20 months).

He says it is nothing to do with the m/cs I have had, he isn't worried that it will happen again because he didn't want me preg in the first place

He isn't horrible about the whole thing, he is just being honest.

I just don't know how to cope with my feelings towards him (not all the time but on occasions). I feel that I will end up resenting him.

I know I am still young , but with a 7 year old I never imagined such an age gap, nevermind just 1 child.

Any ideas how to cope with these sorts of feelings? I know he's never likely to change his mind. I don't want to make any demands such as me or a baby because I think he *possibly* would say he would like a baby and that would only be to make me happy - which is also very unfair on all concerned.

I'm in such a pickle. 98% of the time I think I can cope with the feelings and as i've said I do love him and he loves me. I just can't help feeling rejected because my H doesn't want children with me.

On top of that i'm thinking should we be moving house? Should I be thinking ahead and budgetting just for me and daughter? I can afford payments on my own if it came to it. I just don't want to mess our buyers around or the people we are buying from but am aware that the situation with my husband is not going to be resolved quickly.

Arrghhhh

EagerLearner

If you were going to have kids, would you have them right now, or in a few years time?

That's the key here - if you would have them now, you obviously need to decide something soon-ish as it's such an important priority.

If you would wait a while, would it be best to get the move out of the way and over the next few years see what happens? It all depends how long you have both been together etc as well. If you are married and you knew before marriage that he didn't want kids, it's quite a thing to 'sweep over' and expect it to perhaps change in time.

Personally, regardless of marriage, I would need to have been in a relationship for quite a while with a guy before considering whether he's the right one to have kids with. I never thought I did want them until I met Mr EL and I know he's *The One*. He never wanted kids and neither did I but after 6 years we know know we will have one/some sometime.

But still, if it's important to you and he's never, ever going to want them, it's important you talk about it and get it in the open The problem is not knowing whether he may change his mind with time or not.

gingernutbizkit

hi papermoney,

you say that your hubby is being honest with you, the question is are you being honest with him?

the biggest advice i could give is to sit down and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you are not wanting to pressure him but that it's better to tell him how you feel now then in years to come.

You need to know whether there is any room for compromise, for both him and you.

Consider as well how you are interpreting what he wants and whether you are really hearing him correctly. It seems that he doesn't want chiuldren full stop and yet you say you feel rejected because he doesn't want children with you. Just a thought.

hope it works out for you guys.

papermoney

Thanks - we have been married 2 and a half years. Together from 13 years old - 18 and then 21- until now.

He did say one day he'd want them (we talked before we got married) now he is saying he know 100% he doesn't.

It's such a mess.

papermoney

Thanks, yes i've been totally honest with him. I have written it all down, we are very good at talking we just can't reach a conclusion, sadly.

Spendaholic_Chick

My advice is try and think whether you want more children more han you want him. I thought I did when my (now ex) husband was sure he didn't want anymore and it was a major factor in us splitting up almost five years ago. Inititally after the split he said he would happily have more kids if I'd take him back but I didn't want to feel I'd forced him into it so I said no.

Once he appeared to be moving on with his life and seemed more like the man I'd fell in love with again I was willing to get back together and have no more kids, cos I realised we could be hapy just the three of us, but by hten it was too late. I still never met anyone special and have no more kids, and no husband!!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't rush into any major decisions that you may regret later. Good luck xxx

Oldernotwiser

If your husband's always been honest with you about not wanting a baby, why did you marry him if you thought that you wanted more children?

You have a child of your own, a husband whom you love and who loves you. He's helping you bring up another man's child and that's a great deal from somebody who's not into children. Be happy with what you have;life's rarely perfect.

mountainofdebt

for some strange reason I always wanted 4, while hubby didn't want any and ended up with one.

When we had our very frank discussion a couple of years ago, hubby said that if I did feel that strongly about it then perhaps it would better all round if we split - that way I could meet someone who felt about the same way about children as I did and he didn't.

The thing was, deep down, I wanted him more than I wanted children and whilst there are occasions when I would have loved to have had more children I know I've loved the experiences I've had with hubby which I wouldn't have had if we'd had more children.

To a certain extent the decision has been a trade off - I think it all depends on what you really truely want out of life.

If you do agree to have more children, then I wouldn't worry about the age gap....I know several people with children who have a similar gap and have had no problems at all.

papermoney

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If your husband's always been honest with you about not wanting a baby, why did you marry him if you thought that you wanted more children?

You have a child of your own, a husband whom you love and who loves you. He's helping you bring up another man's child and that's a great deal from somebody who's not into children. Be happy with what you have;life's rarely perfect.

He is being honest with me now saying he doesn't want children, so he says. He always knew I wanted children and he had always maintained that he would want children one day.

CLAPTON

you only have one life, no second chances here

forget about honesty .. is this the life you want?

will you resent him in 20 years time?

Oldernotwiser

papermoney wrote: »

He is being honest with me now saying he doesn't want children, so he says. He always knew I wanted children and he had always maintained that he would want children one day.

Fair enough.

The other aspect of this is your daughter. How will she be affected if you leave your husband? She must be very attached to him.

Perhaps the next man you meet may not want children either. Perhaps you won't be able to have any more. Why throw so much away for an uncertain future.