Being a minister's wife

scottishlass72

My husband has expressed an interest in becoming a minister with the Church of Scotland and has begun inquiring about the process. I'm fully supportive of this but am wondering what the expectations on me would be if any.

I have my own career and although I consider myself a very moral person I'm not a Christian (I'm agnostic leaning towards atheist). My husband goes to church every Sunday while I do not. This has never been a problem for us. If he becomes a minister I would be happy to go along and listen to him from time to time, and I'd help with some church functions (say one afternoon each weekend). Would this be enough?

Also, I'm very much in favour of gay rights (as is my husband) and we would want to be part of a progressive church. If I were to participate in the church I would love to find a way of helping young gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people come to terms with their identities and find acceptance and friendship. I'm afraid this would be very much frowned upon however. Would it be possible?

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me!

Torry_Quine

The minister's wife in the CofS usually comes with several things that are expected like the women's guild. The problem I have is that you're not a Christian which is fine in general but personally I don't think someone could be a minister with a non-Christian wife.

He will be 'on-call' so to speak all the time and if not in then you would be the face of the church. Also it would be very strange for the minister's wife not to go to church every week and I suspect would be frowned upon.

As I'm sure you're aware the whole issue of homosexuality in the CofS is a hot potato at the moment. So having a heart to help in this area is good but how far that goes will be dependent on many factors.

Is that the kind of thing you want?

whitewing

I don't know too much about Scotland, but I do know that some private schools have bursaries for children of ministers.

I do believe Joanna Trollope wrote a book that featured a vicar's wife, who was not a stereotypical vicar's wife. It would be worth having a read of that as she typically highlights the frustrations as well as the rewards of anything she writes about.

ognum

I am sorry I don't know anything about the Church of Scotland but as you are someone who has humanitarian values I believe you would be a great asset to a minister.

You do not have to believe in God to help and support others through difficult times, I suggest you support your partner in what he wants to do and he continues to support you in the beliefs and values you have.

Good luck!

scottishlass72

Torry_Quine wrote: »

personally I don't think someone could be a minister with a non-Christian wife.

How would people know, though? I feel my beliefs are my private business. Are people going to go around asking me about my own personal beliefs?

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Also it would be very strange for the minister's wife not to go to church every week and I suspect would be frowned upon.

I would be willing to go every week to one of his services (hopefully I wouldn't be expected to go to all the services i.e. 2-3 per week)?

Torry_Quine wrote: »

As I'm sure you're aware the whole issue of homosexuality in the CofS is a hot potato at the moment. So having a heart to help in this area is good but how far that goes will be dependent on many factors.

Yes we're aware. We're hoping that the decision that will be made next year will pave the way for a progressive and forward-looking church. And when choosing our parish we'd try to make sure we found a congregation that would be accepting of our non-traditional beliefs in these matters.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Is that the kind of thing you want?

Not sure, depends on what it would entail. I want my husband to be happy and to have the career he wants. I want him to be able to follow his true calling. But as a feminist I'm not used to the idea that his career choice would impact upon me to a great extent as this one would.

Whitewing, thank you for the book recommendation, I think I've found it - The Rector's Wife. I'll get it for my kindle and I'm sure it will be really interesting.

Much appreciated both of you!

whitewing

I don't personally think it would be a particular problem belief-wise.

I think though you would have to accept that your husband would need to be available pretty much 24/7 and sometimes on things that you may consider very trivial but may be a huge issue to the person concerned. It may be difficult to separate your home environment from his job.

It may also open up a lot of life-changing, life-affirming possibilities for you both too. If he is 'called' then he will probably do it anyway regardless of the personal cost. It will be how you both deal with it that will determine how it affects you.

Torry_Quine

scottishlass72 wrote: »

How would people know, though? I feel my beliefs are my private business. Are people going to go around asking me about my own personal beliefs?


I would presume that the minister's wife is a Christian and have never known otherwise. Normally I would agree that your beliefs are personal but not when it's part of your husband's job so to speak.

For instance you will probably be expected to lead prayers on some ocassions, would you be comfortable with this?


I would be willing to go every week to one of his services (hopefully I wouldn't be expected to go to all the services i.e. 2-3 per week)?

Few CofS churches have more than one service, two at the most.



Yes we're aware. We're hoping that the decision that will be made next year will pave the way for a progressive and forward-looking church. And when choosing our parish we'd try to make sure we found a congregation that would be accepting of our non-traditional beliefs in these matters.

Again it depends what you mean by progressive.;) If a church disagreed with your viewpoint then they would be highly unlikely to employ him.



Not sure, depends on what it would entail. I want my husband to be happy and to have the career he wants. I want him to be able to follow his true calling. But as a feminist I'm not used to the idea that his career choice would impact upon me to a great extent as this one would.

There are many feminists in the church but yes if approved it would impact greatly on you. For instance you would both be interviewed and may have to go somewhere you would otherwise not have chosen.

Whitewing, thank you for the book recommendation, I think I've found it - The Rector's Wife. I'll get it for my kindle and I'm sure it will be really interesting.

Much appreciated both of you!

Hope that you are able to come to the right decision for both of you.

Nicki

scottishlass72 wrote: »

How would people know, though? I feel my beliefs are my private business. Are people going to go around asking me about my own personal beliefs?

I can tell you haven't been to church with your OH much :rotfl: This is a standard ice breaker question in most churches I've ever been in. Up there with the weather and what you do for a living is how long have you been a Christian and how did you convert. I'm personally not all that comfortable with it, as like you I believe beliefs are personal but I've been asked a lot and my husband is not the vicar! I too have never met a minister's wife who has admitted she is not a Christian.

MandM90

I'm an atheist, feminist lesbian who knows little to nothing about the workings of CofE.

My main concern, if I were in your position, would be the impact on our relationship as my OH made something that I didn't believe existed the centre of his/her life. I was a believer some time ago as a confused teenager, went to church regularly and to a Christian camp and there was a lot of talk about 'Christ being the centre of the relationship'. I'd worry about your OH getting frustrated with your lack of belief or you getting fed up with him 'banging on' about something which you can't relate to.

Just my thoughts.

scottishlass72

Nicki wrote: »

I can tell you haven't been to church with your OH much

In fact, I have never been to church. I grew up Jewish and realized I was an atheist when I was 11 years old. Now I've come 'round to thinking of myself as agnostic as I don't feel we can know for sure whether or not God exists. I would definitely not be comfortable with or at all qualified to lead prayers!

I've asked my husband and he says he doesn't think I'd be expected to lead prayers and that I could choose how involved I want to be. He may be looking at this through rose-colored glasses, however. He also says that if anyone asks about my beliefs I can tell them he says !!!! off!!! :rotfl: More seriously he says I should say I'm Jewish because if I say I'm an atheist or agnostic they'll try to convert me but if I say I'm Jewish they're stuffed! It's true, too, I am "technically" Jewish.

I would be willing to do things like: go to church, help with car boot sales, run a food bank, help needy families, campaign for LBGT rights within the church, help with youth groups, run environmental awareness campaigns, etc. If it turns out that I won't be working full-time (something we're considering) then I could obviously do more.

MandM90 wrote: »

I'd worry about your OH getting frustrated with your lack of belief or you getting fed up with him 'banging on' about something which you can't relate to.

He is honestly not like that. I can see how you might think that, but it really isn't a problem for us. We're both extremely tolerant and accepting of other peoples' differences including our differences from each other. When we started dating I admit I had quite negative views of Christians but he's changed all that for me. I used to think Christianity was a way of small-minded people to judge and feel superior to others. Now, having known him I know what a true Christian is and I see a lot of value in spreading a message of love and compassion. That's why I support him in this, I'm just worried about the impact on me!

Little_Vics

Hi,

To be honest I think that you'll get the answers you need when your OH starts the process for selection for training. It might well be worth speaking to other clergy wives and getting their view - those in the midst of the church will have a better idea.