Wife does'nt drive

1886

Me (33) and my wife (27) have been together for four years, married for one year. My wife does'nt drive, I do and also drive upto 200 miles a day through work.
My wife has twice had driving lessons, once before I knew her and one last year. Probably about 10-12 lessons each time but they just fizzled out before the test was sat. On both occassions her parents were kind enough to pay for all the lessons.
It causes a problem my wife not being able to drive, I get hounded to either give her a lift to work in the morning if I`m on a late shift or pick her up from work if I`m on an early shift. Last night she went to see a friend 12 miles away, she got the train there from work but expected me to drive and pick her up afterwards, I refused and then was made to feel guilty 'I thought you would want me to get home safely'.
Usually if I`m on a late shift I don`t go to bed until midnight by the time I`ve got home, sometimes later. I usually get up at 7.30am and give her a lift to work, it`s not walkable, the bus takes about 30 minutes.
In the winter esp I do fear for my wife having to get a bus as it`s dark and she walks through a subway but her not driving always affects me as well. If we go for a meal or to see friends, I`m always the one who drives and can`t drink. All of her friends drive bar one.
I know I don't help the situation by giving my wife lifts to work but I just wish she would get her licence, she never gives me an exact reason as to why she won`t. She`s very driven in certain areas and not in others. Work have also said that she would have use of a 'pool' car if she could drive.
I`d just like some opinions because the longer she does`nt drive the longer it will be a problem. She always lays a guilt trip on me if I say that I don`t want to give her a lift. She got a taxi back last night that cost £20. I don't know whether I should just stop giving her lifts altogether.
My mum may need to stop driving soon because of her eyesight, she said that we could have her car if she did.

I don`t like being made to feel like the bad guy but at the same time I think I`m just being used as a taxi because she can`t be bothered to get her licence.

sassyblue

I would sit your wife down and want her honest answer about why she lets the lessons slip and doesn't take a test. I wonder if she's frightened by driving in some way??

In any case l do think with your work that your wife is being unreasonable and she ought to either learn to drive or stop pestering you to drive her so much.

Has she thought about a bicycle or moped to get to work herself??

Tish_P

Get her a bike. I don't drive, so I don't cadge lifts (although I will gratefully accept one if the weather's foul).

She'd have to take a lot of £20 taxi rides to add up to the cost of lesons, tests, a car, fuel, insurance, maintenance, VED etc etc. so it might be cheaper just to budget for a few taxi rides. But that's a side issue - most importantly she has to knock it off with the demands and the guilt-tripping.

balletshoes

if she can get a bus/cycle/get a moped and take that for work etc, I'd expect her to do it to be honest. And I wouldn't, in her shoes, expect my OH to be ferrying me around if I could reasonably travel to my destination myself. Nowt wrong with taxis either, as Tish says an occasional taxi works out way cheaper than the associated costs of a car.

If she doesn't want to drive, you can't make her, maybe its just not something she's interested enough in. But you don't have to ferry her around when she can make travel arrangements for herself, she's not 8, she's a married woman in her 20s.

fluffnutter

I think you need to separate the issue of being expected to ferry her around, and her inability to drive. TBH, she might still want you to fetch her from places, even if she did have a licence. What if she wanted to have a few drinks when she's out?

Even if she doesn't drive, there are alternatives. What about public transport or a pushbike for work? On the occasions that she visits a friend, what about a cab home?

If you don't want to be her taxi driver, then say so, even if she makes you feel guilty. If you feel you're being taken advantage of then you have every right to tell her.

I think it would be useful to understand why she's reluctant to drive. Perhaps she just thinks it's a load of hassle to learn? TBH, all the while you're taking her places she's got no real impetus to learn. If you want her to increase her independence, then make the alternative less appealing than you're doing so at the moment by gently refusing to take her places. She might feel that getting a licence might be a good idea!

I drive, my husband drives. We're both happy to take each other places, but things are balanced because we both give each other lifts. The problem you have is not that she doesn't drive per se, but that there's an imbalance because you do.

shop-to-drop

Maybe she would do better with one of those intensive driving courses. How about that instead of a holiday or instead of B'day/Xmas present?

It is tough for some learning to drive, it was me, I also had a break from lessons but being pushed to stick it out is a case of 'cruel to be kind' will be worth it in the end.

19lottie82

If you can afford it, why not just buy her a block of lessons? To me it doesn't sound like she has a phobia of driving, just that she's a bit lazy and needs a "push"

Moominmamma

I agree with Sassy - you need to get to the bottom of why your wife doesn't continue with her driving lessons. Is it just lack of interest? Maybe she finds driving hard and is scared to fail?

I don't drive either, and like you my husband does a lot of miles for work, he gets really frustrated with me not driving too. Sometimes he'll give me a lift, but usually I'll walk wherever I need to go or take the bus - I wouldn't try to make him feel guilty for not ferrying me about, and even if I did I'd just get a lecture about learning to drive!

Fwiw, I do really wish I could drive, for all sorts of reasons!

Lovelyjoolz

My OH doesn't drive either, so I know full well just how blooming annoying it is always being the one who drives when we go anywhere. It's doubly annoying because he's not much of a drinker either, so we'll both be sat there with a soft drink when I REALLY want a bourbon or thee!

He CAN drive. Until recently, he was on my insurance as a provisional licence holder and we kept L plates in the car just in case he ever needed to drive. This was mainly because I sometimes get migraines that cause vision disturbance, but he only ever had to drive us home because of this once. He won't take his test because he has a dehabilitating fear of exams of any kind. I.e. he's a big wuss :rotfl:

Seriously though, he doesn't take the pee. I give him a lift to work because he works just down the road from me, but if I had a day off, he gets there himself (a 30 minute bus journey + a 2 mile walk) come rain or shine.

Your OH is using emotional blackmail when she says 'I thought you would want me to get home safely'. It's childish and she should know better. Ask her outright to please stop using emotional blackmail on you. Yes, you care that she's safe, which is why you want her to pass her test. She is wrong to expect you to ferry her around - she's an adult, not a child, she should act like one and take responsibility for herself. I imagine that if she stopped expecting you to pick her up, you'd feel more inclined to do it anyway!

Ames

'I thought you'd want me to get home safely'. Wow. Did she flutter her eyelashes too? That sort of attitude went out decades ago (or should have done).

She's 27, she's old enough to use public transport safely.

I can't believe she expects you to get up after a late shift, or stay up after an early, just to save her half an hour on the bus.

But then, if this has been the norm to her since she was 21 it's going to be hard to change her attitude, she probably doesn't see any issue at all.

I think a proper heart to heart is in order.

Nicki

I have a license but have spent quite a lot of my adult life not driving before and after I got it, and I didn't actually sit my test until I was around your wife's age, maybe a bit older.

I was quite like your wife perhaps. Very driven in my career, outwardly outgoing and confident, and had no problems at all being a passenger in a car. But I didn't (and don't) like driving. I'm not very confident behind the wheel and not very spatially aware so I find things like parking in a tight spot, or even having to squeeze past a bus stopped at a bus stop, stressful, and I never drive on motorways.

Fortunately my husband likes driving and we live in London where public transport is very good, so it hasn't been an issue for us. I can understand though why your wife might be reluctant to do her test, if she also doesn't have a natural aptitude for it. It is quite intimidating being responsible for a heavy bit if machinery which could kill or seriously injure someone if you make a mistake if you know you aren't very good at it in the first place and aren't very experienced either.

All that said, I would always have taken responsibility for getting myself to and from work, and I think it's unreasonable to ask you to get up for 7.30am to give her a lift when you've been working until midnight. If visiting a friend 12 miles away, I'd have asked first whether you minded picking me up, and if you did would have arranged either to stay over or get a cab home.