At the end of my rope

PenPincher

Hi all

I'm beginning to really worry about my Dad and wondered if I could get some advice on a situation tipping me over the edge.

I live with him in a flat he owns, and we've both been paying off debts from former extravagance.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when my Grandfather (his Dad) passed away a couple of years ago. He slowly began to feel more and more depressed, and has been on-off work for the last 9 months or so (work have said "come in when you like" - unbelievably understanding if you ask me..).

He's also always had an addiction to buying (or "collecting" as he would correct me..) what I call children's toys - old toy cards and other "collectables".

The place is full of them, to the point where we're both too embarrassed to have any friends over.

This addiction has now put him four months behind on the mortgage - a fact that scares me very much indeed. I can't live by myself, being on a low wage and my public sector pay being cut too.

He earns 3x what I do (I never tell anyone my salary but here goes - he earns £2600 a month) and spends hundreds on this "$%^&^%$£% things!! I have many theories... clinging on to childhood being one.

I'm so afraid to be honest with him how enraged and scared I am because he is so depressed. Whenever I do make a constructive point about how this is seriously risking everything - he gets very defensive. I don't have the courage to carry on "having a go".

Can anyone give me any ideas on what I could do? If we lost the flat I'm sure he would feel 10000x worse

Thank you in advance, sorry for the ramble, I'm a bit emotional
Matt x

billinghamfan

has he had cousalling regarding his losing his dad that is probably the root cause of the buying the toys?

PenPincher

billinghamfan wrote: »

has he had cousalling regarding his losing his dad that is probably the root cause of the buying the toys?

Thank you for replying :beer:

I have talked to him about counseling before, but he's never learned to express himself and I think he's scared to.

Also, he's always bought toys, but never put things like our home in jeopardy like this before

I'll think of a way to bring it up.. just gave him the number for CCCS, he shrugged and went back to bed

billinghamfan

Can you maybe book him a doctors appointment and see if he goes to that and the doctor might advise him to go to counselling which could help?

Hovel_lady

Have you seen this? It might be helpful for both of you.

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cards/mental-health-guide

PenPincher

billinghamfan wrote: »

Can you maybe book him a doctors appointment and see if he goes to that and the doctor might advise him to go to counselling which could help?

Our doctor doesn't believe he is depressed, he believes he has carpal tunnel syndrome. Dad won't see another doctor, we've argued about that..

I actually believe the doc downloaded his PHD on a dodgy website, but that's another story

billinghamfan

Can you ask for a second opinion from the same surgery?

sistafromanothermista

PenPincher wrote: »

Our doctor doesn't believe he is depressed, he believes he has carpal tunnel syndrome. Dad won't see another doctor, we've argued about that..

I actually believe the doc downloaded his PHD on a dodgy website, but that's another story

My father sounds similar to yours. It's always hard but it's true that you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. Very frustrating as i well know. :mad:
Any chance that you could work more hrs or get 2nd job for the time being?

Tixy

Is his doctor signing him off work? if so is that with the carpal tunnel syndrome? Definitely would agree with trying to suggest he sees a different doc at the same surgery.

Sounds like his employers are being very understanding - are they still paying him his full wage? do they think he is not going in because he is depressed or do they only know about the carpal tunnel syndrome? Have they never asked him to have any kind of medical or anything - or asked for further information?

Its certainly very difficult to help someone who doesn't want help. Is there anyone else in the family who he may feel more comfortable talking to about his issues than you (a relative of the same generation perhaps?).

As the direct talking approach hasn't worked - what about trying a letter - write down your concerns for his health, his state of mind, and that you are very worried about the mortgage and the house being repossessed?

Or is there anyway he could turn his collecting into a business? would he consider selling some of the items he bought - might that give him an enthusiasm for doing something positive - making money, clearing the house a bit and hopefully paying off the mortgage arrears?