Advice needed

jazzyjustlaw

My OH is in debt by about £17,000 and he told me last year he would not spend in his credit cards. He has spent £2,000 without telling me. He says its private and we do actually have separate finances. He says he needs to spend on his Credit Card because he does not have enough money to meet his outgoings. HE blames the bills but we both contribute.

If we talk about it gets really funny. I want to help him. What can I do? I have tried to look at his bank statements and CC statements but he shreds them!!!

Xbigman

This is a bad situation to be in but it is initially a relationship issue You must try to get him to face his problems. If you don't they will become your problems. If he shreds his statements that *is* a really bad sign.
If he won't talk to you directly try to get him to go to the CAB or some other face to face advisor.

For yourself, how separate are your finances? If you have a joint mortgage your finances are not really separate as you will end up paying all the bills when he has no money.

Good luck.


X

jazzyjustlaw

Xbigman wrote:

This is a bad situation to be in but it is initially a relationship issue You must try to get him to face his problems. If you don't they will become your problems. If he shreds his statements that *is* a really bad sign.
If he won't talk to you directly try to get him to go to the CAB or some other face to face advisor.

For yourself, how separate are your finances? If you have a joint mortgage your finances are not really separate as you will end up paying all the bills when he has no money.

Good luck.


X

We don't have a mortgage. We do not share anything. He has always been secretive. He shreds the detailed page of his credit card so I can't see what he has actually spent but I can see the first page which says what he owes. I know what he should do but he won't even speak about it.

margaretclare

Hi

As Xbigman says, this is a relationship issue. IMHO, and with decades of life experience to back it up, I would say that a relationship like this cannot survive.

I'm not sure what to advise. No adviser in the world can 'advise' someone with an attitude like your partner's. It can only get worse if e.g. you have children between you.

My husband and I have 'separate finances' in that our pension income and annuities is paid into our separate bank accounts. We each have things that we take responsibility for. But the difference is - we are completely open and honest with each other, we both know about each other's finances, can look at each other's Quicken accounts, and any financial decision e.g. holidays, purchase of home equipment etc, is always discussed at length. We couldn't live any other way.

I am so, so sorry!

Aunty Margaret

mountainofdebt

I have something to confess something here ...I also have debts that the hubby doesn't know anything about so perhaps I'm not the best person to give advice on how you can handle this.

However I've never hide the things that I've bought nor have I shreaded the info pages of my statement so I guess that is at least one plus point in my favour.

How should you handle this? I guess it depends on how devious you want to be and how badly you want to know what he's spending the money on. If you have separate finances and are really sure that any ccjs etc won't affect your credit rating then perhaps levaing the door open for him to come to you is the best bet (men I have found are like horses..you can lead them to water but very rarely can you make them drink!). However if you are really desparate to find out what's going on then, and are devious enough, then perhaps opening his mail is the only solution to your situation - although what knock on effects this will have I don't know. Of course you may find out soemthing that you won't like so I would be very careful before taking this course of action.

Milky_Mocha

Its strange that he doesn't mind you seeing the total owed yet hides the details. Does he have an expensive habit that you know of? Because if his spending is not evident, ie no new car or other gadgets being purchased then something worse could be going on?

Maybe I watch too many movies but could it be he's being blackmailed about something and so is making purchases on behalf of someone else? Or maybe he has a secret family and is leading a double life?

I think you should try to sit him down to discuss your money situation. Make him see that you are suddenly excited about this website and have decided to fill in the budget planner. Do it together if he will. Don't be accusatory but try to make him feel like whatever problem he has you are in it together.

Otherwise unfortunately, unless you can't live without him, you'd be better off leaving. Wise that your finances are separate.

lee3276

I have just come clean to my OH about gambling debts I knocked up it was the hardest thing I've done, but now we have never been so close, If your not seeing were the money is going he might be gambling check the last pages he visited i wish you all the best

jazzyjustlaw

We have had a heart to heart and he has said he will draw up a budget and will not use his credit cards anymore. It seems he spends the money on luxuries such as snacking and stuff. I think he probably does buy a lot of gadgets. We do not have children together - I have a teenaged daughter.

He does not have any CCJS he just accrueds debts and refinances. He is worried I will leave him but I couldn't leave him over money. I think he needs educating and I have neglected to do so because his ex I understand made him justify what he could spend.

He is being a little bit naughty in that now he keeps saying Humph I can't spend any money - and I have said that is not true just to be careful. This age of credit and consumerism is doing us in although I do take some responsibility for it and so does he.