How to teach 'independance' to a child you has their 'head in the clouds'?

Spendless

I never went thru this with my DS who is now 12, he went from playing outside, to going to the shops, to walking to and from school with friends, then alone, then with his younger sister. DD though is 9 and more of a 'dreamer'. She is also very small for her age, so looks younger than she is and I worry about things like her being able to see round cars. Over the last couple of weeks she has requested going to the shops. Not totally convinced she'd watch what she was doing, I walked most of the way and then let her go the final bit alone. Did same a 2nd time but on the 3rd time when I decided to stand a bit further away, she identified a part of the road to cross where she could see clearly, but forgot to take into account she was standing on the dropped kerb of a driveway and a car was about to reverse out. I was with her and pointed this out - the car revved, and made her jump.

DS at a similar age could walk to school with nearby neighbours children, but they've long since moved away and there isn't anyone else for DD to walk with. We only live round the corner from school, and though walking home alone would be a possibility. There's a rd to cross but if she was walking 'en masse' with everyone else I believe she'd be fine, but she's the last child out of school each day. Her class is a port-a-cabin, and I had the same when my eldest was at that school and in same for 2 years, they are always later out than the main school (I think it's cos they don't hear the rest of classes moving at home time ) and DD is usually the last to leave class, so by the time she'd be coming home, she'd be alone.

Going to school. I've started in varying degrees leaving her, in playground, at edge of playground but yesterday when I waved bye to her from the infant playground, she was more interested in walking to where she could continue to wave to me, though I'd hugged, kissed and waved at the point I'd sent her off, than she was in walking towards the gate of the route to the junior playground. I only relaxed that she was concentrating on what she was suppossed to be doing, when I saw her fall into conversation with her friend and her Mum.

So anyone else been there with this and what did you find helped?

ETA the thread title should say 'who has their head...' not you has their head...' which makes no sense. I can't figure out how to change it though. Soz.

ellay864

My eldest always seemed to be on another planet...and at 20 he still is! I was quite worried when he started high school and was going to be walking to school as he seemed oblivious to the world around him but once he had to do it he just seemed to change and get on with it.
Can you arrange for any other children in her class to walk with her, or for others to wait for her. She'd probably be happier in a group of friends than on her own anyway.
If it's any comfort I still look at my son and cringe at times as he seems an accident waiting to happen but he's managed to survive 5 years of walking to high school, 2 years bussing and walking to 6th form college and is now in his 2nd year at uni. I think a self preservation instinct kicks in when there's nobody to watch him!

TheConways

I walked to school from the age of 8, I got the bus alone into town when I was 9 to go to school, and I lived on my own from the age of 16 (parents working abroad in the US, I was at school in the UK, so they left me there!). You could have described me as a child as having my head in the clouds also, but I was fine!

Have you thought about getting a pet that she has to look after? Would that appeal?

Also, kids who "have their head in the clouds" are often thinking about other things... I ended up studying quantum mechanics at Uni. Just because your child isn't demonstrably as practical as you, or sees all the perceived risks you do, doesn't mean she can't look after herself. She might interpret you as being bothersome and overprotective!

Savvy_Sue

TBH, I'd probably hold off a little on the independence front and see if she 'connects' better with the world around her in 6 months or so. 9 is the bottom end of the range where I was happy for mine to be coming home on their own, and if she's not 'reliable' at picking the right spot to cross roads etc then she may just not be quite ready yet.

londonsurrey

I'm four decades old and still very unaware. My very good friend has been helping me, pointing out other people and risks (men staring, people being intrusive, etc) as we wander around doing things. It's a bit of a running commentary of what the majority of the population probably think it's OTT description of the "blooming obvious", it just isn't obvious to me. I'm getting better at it now.

YORKSHIRELASS

It sounds to me like she maybe isnt quite ready for that independence yet. Its difficult because I dont think its something you can really teach and the only way a child gets better at going out there and being independent is by actually doing it. Only you can decide at what age you are comfortable allowing your child to cross roads, deal with strangers etc, and I think this is something that you just know when the time is right.

My 11 yo is very bright, but not very practical, and I worried more about him going out on his own than his older brother who was always very "switched on". I have to say that in the last year or so he has got a lot better and I feel so much more confident in his ability to manage on his own now.

Could your DS go to the shops with her older brother occasionally as a way of giving her a bit of independence? Would he be horrified by the idea of having little sister around? My eldest likes being in charge of his younger brother and I trust him to be sensible about it but I know this wouldnt work for everyone.

Spendless

Hi, Thank you for the replies. I realised reading thru my opening post that I haven't made it clear that we live round the corner from the school. It's a 2 minute walk to the nearest entrance, but it's across a road and because the road isn't a main one it doesn't have a lollipop lady, but it does get the ahem 'typical' parking that goes hand in hand with being near a school. There is sort of a raised speed bump, for which to cross and cars do stop to let you, but they are under no obligation to as it's not an official crossing, so some don't.

My reasons for wanting to start her doing things now are 2fold. Firstly I am a big fan of starting things like this off in the spring months, my reasoning being that they learn during a time when the nights are lighter and (generally) the weather is better, giving them 6 months worth of experience before we hit the early dark nights and damp dismal/icy weather. I do feel if this isn't the right time, then we are looking at a year from now to try again and this leads to my next reason. I lost my job a few months ago and there is just nothing part-time which fits in with when childcare runs, so from September I will have to look for f-time instead if I want to work (not looking prior to this due to family reasons). This means DD will have to go to f-time childcare. Very likely to be the breakfast/asc on the school site but if I felt she could set off to school as I left for work, in the same way both kids did last year we might not need breakfast club. Sometimes Mr S works from home, but he can't collect DD as he often takes conference calls at the same time she finishes school if she was ok walking home, she'd be able to come home. Once a week she has a Church group. It starts 45 mins after her school finishes and is at a premises on our street. if she was able to walk to the nearby shops and meet her brother getting off the school bus he could walk her to the Church group. It would mean she didn't have to do 5 lots of before and after school every week.

She is in yr 4 and thru-out yr 3 she walked to and from school with her brother who was then in yr 6. She also does go to the shops with her older brother and has for some time but it doesn't teach her to think things thru for herself- my friend likens it to when you are driving the car you pay more attention to the way you are going than if you are the passenger. If she was too scared to go alone or we were talking far further distances I wouldn't even consider her doing stuff yet, but she wants to go. The 1st time she asked she even drew me a map to prove she knew the way. It's just I'm aware she's not always concentrating.

Since my OP though, the other day she was playing in our garden when an older child who attends the same Church group told her she was going to the shops before attending group and did DD want to go with her. I know the child who if she was born a day earlier would be at Secondary school with my son, so felt she was 'old' enough to go with DD, so agreed to it. I checked up on them later though that's because my Mum was picking up as I was going to a school meeting and didn't want my Mum to have to deal with any probs had they occurred. Reading another thread on here made me remember that DD has a mobile phone. Out of credit and not charged up cos we naively agreed to getting her one in return for her keeping her bedroom tidy - not believing she could acheive it. But sorting the phone out would perhaps help.

londonsurrey

How about asking her to talk through the processes when you're walking with her? Carrying on with the car analogy, she would be describing hazards, turnings, mirrors, etc, but with the equivalent for walking.

This would help her concentrate on the task at hand, i.e. navigating safely, and it would help you pick up on and supplement any remaining gaps for her.

Valli

londonsurrey wrote: »

How about asking her to talk through the processes when you're walking with her? Carrying on with the car analogy, she would be describing hazards, turnings, mirrors, etc, but with the equivalent for walking.

This would help her concentrate on the task at hand, i.e. navigating safely, and it would help you pick up on and supplement any remaining gaps for her.

This is more or less what I was going to say; get her to make the decisions but run them by you first. Where to cross, when to cross.
With my DD (My mum had to take her to school) she would be walked to the 'last road' to cross before the patrolled one, and practised crossing, she would choose the safe place etc.

With other stuff, like going to town on her own, we would run through, verbally, possible scenarios e.g. what she could do if she lost her purse.

Another thing, though you don't mention it in your OP is making sure SHE knows what she needs to take to school and when, e.g. PE kit. Maybe she could do a timetable or have a diary. Then she takes the responsibility for remembering stuff and you don't bail her out. This is great practice for secondary school.

It's a hard one though.

Savvy_Sue

Valli wrote: »

This is more or less what I was going to say; get her to make the decisions but run them by you first. Where to cross, when to cross.

Me too, great minds and all that ...

How about letting her 'take the lead' on the way to and from school from now until half term, and see how it goes for after half term? You might be able to identify 'cross here not there' places together, and if she's 'drilled' into that, it may get through, eg you don't cross on the corner (even if there's a speed hump there) because you get a better view if you walk a few yards down the road. On the way home you walk to this point, because the view's better there.

I know when I was cycling to Guides, I'd been drilled to go a particular way, and it was quite a while before I realised that I was going quite a long way round, to avoid a main road!

I do understand where you're coming from in wanting to do it now, but Year 4 still seems a bit early to me, so it doesn't surprise me that she's not quite 'there' yet.