Dealing with the guilt

anna_d_2

I can put my hand on my heart and say I have never lived an extravagant lifestyle - my debt has largely been accrued on getting by and (I suppose) treating myself occasionally to the point where it reached that stage I started to think "sure it's so bad now a few extra pound won't make a difference".

I'm tackling this head on now.
But I really do feel very down at the moment (I suffer from depression and anxiety anyway). I almost fear as if I'm punishing myself and have to be really harsh with myself. I feel guilty if I so much as spend 70p on me.
And I feel guilty that my kids will do without things while I get myself back on an even keel.

I never factored on the emotional impact of dealing with this.

How do you cope? At the minute I feel my mood really sliding.

camuk81

I've struggled on this the last few days and was in tears several times over the weekend.

Look you don't need money to enjoy time out in the sunshine.

I've explained to my 8 year old I have to cut back or he can't get the nice things like skylanders and he has been very good about it all.

But the depression is crippling for myself and I have to admit I've found the last few days very hard!

Tixy

Hi anna

I know its really easy to say and much harder to do - but try not to beat yourself up about the past, whats done is done, and as you acknowledge yourself it wasn't frivolous spending.

Are you getting some help regarding your depression? have you spoken to your doc about it or that it feels like its getting worse at the moment?

In terms of the children - they may have to do without a few material things for a while, but thats not the part of our childhood we tend to look back on. Usually what we remember are the emotions and the experiences, the times we spent with our family etc and these don't need to cost you money.

You don't say how old the kids are, but generally they are usually old enough to understand and to have it explained that a lot of other people are in a similar situation, probably including some of their friends or they are usually young enough not to notice a big difference, especially if you try to focus on 'quality family time'.

In terms of your budget - I see your debt free date is quite a way a way yet - make sure your budget is sustainable long term. A 70p spend won't hurt now and then!
I think its like a diet, if you try to give everything up all at once you are more likely to fail whereas an occasional treat can help you stick to the overall goal.

Good luck

anna_d_2

Thank you so much.
Camuk81 - I know this will pass and am sure it will for you too. My eldest is 8 as well, it is he who feels it more. He's not a spoiled child by any means but he does see friends get more (holidays, football kits the day they come out things like that) and he doesn't realise.
I've tried to explain to him gently he will have what he needs and we will do our best to get him some of the things he wants. I had a big talk to him about what things were like when I was little - we had nothing but (cliche alert) we were happy.

My youngest is 3 - she has no real idea. Both are spoiled with love.


Tixy, yes I'm on medication for both depression and anxiety. My doctor is looking to start me with counselling soon. My mood was just too low when I saw her to feel strong enough for it then.

My DFD is at the LATEST 2017 - that when the last payment of our loan is due, but I hope to get their sooner. My problem is always that I look at the bigger picture rather than one day at a time... I need to relax a bit I know.

I just feel like a cry now. And then I will move on. Thank you so much for listening and responding.

rhoda

Hi anna

I'm sorry to hear about your depression and anxiety, both of which arehorrible.

I do think you are being too harsh on yourself. Ok so you have got yourselfinto debt - that's happened. Feeling bad about it won't change it, so don'tbeat yourself up about it. On the positive side you have decided to tackle it -well done. I'm sure that as you gain control of your situation you will startto feel better.

I don't think you should feel bad about your children. Yes they may have togo without some material things - but you can treat them in other ways. Themost important thing that they will learn out of all of this is the importanceof begin in control of one's finances and budget. This is a far more valuableto them than material goods - though of course they may not see it that way atthe time. I have to say 'no' to my own children so I know how hard it issometimes, but the more I say it the more the kids are beginning to understandthat one has to wait and save up for things.

camuk81

I work in the building trade and someone said something very profound to me the other day

"Its almost like the funs gone out of it!"

Its horrible to say but I think that applies over a lot of areas. I'm on the brink of going back to my doctors regarding depression and I have super great days and then days where I think I could destroy the world!

As Tixy said sometimes 70p makes all the difference.

I used to get my little one a chocolate every time I fill the car up (was nearly every other day) however its now stretched out to more 1 every two weeks but he is over the moon. The great news is you have taken the first steps towards the rest of your & your children's life and being able to support them

Anna, It does better. You know we are always here for you so feel free to come on and tell us how pants the world has been, because trust me a lot of us feel the same way!

whitewing

When you meds are working well and you are having counselling, you will be able to get a better perspective on it all and will feel more robust.

You will learn ways of cutting back so that you don't know so much that you are missing out. For example, some people on here will meal plan to have quite basic meals during December so that they feel that they are splashing out a bit more over the Christmas period while spending a lot less than they used to. It's more about cutting out the mindless, unsatisifying spending than going without.

We don't buy CDs or DVDs or books much through the year, but have a reasonable birthday and Christmas budget. So we get a whole pile of wrapped up presents but the enjoyment lasts for months. Or we'll put aside an impulse buy for a birthday. (More for the adults than children).

The one in/one out type of challenge is good fun too, mostly. So, if you bring something in to the house, something has to go. That can put you off spending. In fact, using moneysaving as an excuse for decluttering works really well.

If you get the psychology right, it isn't deprivation, it is about having family lifestyle goals. It doesn't cure us from wanting to win the lottery! There will be days when it all feels too much, usually when I have messed up and not factored in a lump sum spend, but there will also be small but very exciting victories.

Good luck.

downsizer3

It is hard not to feel down about it as its the 'fun money' that buys some wee bonuses every now and again but I've started to get as much from looking at my spreadsheets and seeing how far I've come ( sad but true!!!)
Yes our kids would like a few more treats but for many of us these cutbacks are as a result of decreased income, higher living expenses loss of work etc etc.
I don't think you've anything to feel guilty for - you're dealing with your debt - that in my book is something to feel proud of.
There is massive support on here - it lifts me every time I need it - so just ask and you'll find lots of people that understand exactly where you are.

supermum38

I can totally understand where you are OP.
I have had depression for 20 years and am now getting CBT.
I've brought up two boys on my own for most of that time with no family close by, debt hanging over my head and NO maintenance from their father.
At one point I used to go to jumble sales to buy their clothes and would pick up toys from there as their 'treat'. I found that when they were as young as yours they didn't actually care too much where the 'treat' came from. Now they are older it much more difficult as they compare to what their friends have so I say this:

Don't worry until they reach senior school. Face the debts you have head on and aim to be in a better position by then so you can 'keep up with the Joneses'.
I found this site invaluable when I felt just like you and I used the guides on here to get into mystery shopping. I also started using Freecycle and visit charity shops to get books etc. I also negotiated my debt repayments every couple of months to reduce the payments I made by saying I was struggling (always around school holidays for example).

You can get through this and actually with a few changes realise how much money you truly wasted. Even though I am now slightly better off (all my own hard work) I still shop the same way I did when I was on the 'bread line'. In fact I would say it taught me a lesson and now I can get the things my kids want, still treat myself and NOT feel guilty (which is a symptom of depression!)

My weakness is chocolate and I have simply put too much weight on now so actually you are probably a lot slimmer than me.:D

Good luck and don't give up!