Mum turning into worst nightmare... :(

MrsShawToBe

So far she's been brilliant, but now shes trying to have more and more input.

She's already managed to twist my arm with someone at the wedding breakfast but now I've put my foot down at the next request.

Basically as we won our wedding, we got 40 wedding breakfasts, 38 without me and OH. We stuck with just immediate family, his aunts and uncles, and my family in Scotland, so we could stick in the numbers. The only non-family members who would have been there would be my best friend (who's a bridesmaid) and my sisters boyfriend (they've been together over 3 years so he's like part of the family).

So 2 of my family in Scotland can't make it, so my mum suggests we invite her best friend from school and her husband. Figuring I am sort of close to them and it would mean a lot to my mum (they're my sisters godparents), then yeah I can allow that.

But now 2 of mums friends have said they're attending the wedding (no mention of the wedding breakfast in the invite) and mums now trying to twist my arm saying she's spoken to my grandma and shes willing to pay herself (50 a head...) for them to come. Trying to explain that essentially its just a meal so they wont be bothered about now coming (and the fact they've accepted the invite without the promice of a meal), yet the fact its the first meal as a married couple with our family, is hard! She wasn't having it saying they're coming all the way from the isle of wight, which yes they are, but I'm not making them. Maybe I'm sounding spoilt but OH has been so strict on his side so we keep numbers down and isn't even inviting cousins as theres too many.


Thats that side.

Next side, bridesmaid dresses. I'm more than happy to buy £50 ones off ebay, and mum was too it seemed. But more her speaking to grandma and shes now organised a weekend out to allsorts of places to look at dresses. Theres a place in Northallerton which sells cheap dresses (because its a budget end of line factory outlet thing) which i said we'd go look at, when we had all the girls together, and the money, so we could buy there and then as thats what you do, they dont order in or anything.

Mum was saying 'oh we can just go look' but she won't listen when I say theres no point unless we take the girls and have the money! Because all she'll find out is the price, but she keeps just saying we'll just look. But its pointless!! We could go and there be a load of stunning dresses, go back the next week to buy, and them be gone!

And to top that off, my sisters at work so can't come, and shes the main one who needs to come because shes got dwarfism and we need to see how we can adapt the !!!!!!! dress!!!



So angry, frustrated and annoyed

RainbowDrops

Aw, she's probs just really excited & getting carried away.
Why not plan an afternoon tea with her to have a chat about things. Maybe you can give her other tasks to distract her.

Roz_V

I don't know what it is about mums and weddings! Afraid I can't offer any advice though, I'm in a similar situation and just wanted you to know you're not alone! My mum has "compromised" and is "letting" me have the foam flowers I want for decorations & buttonholes, so long as I have a real bouquet (even though I have a foam one that I love) :mad:

I will be keeping an eye on this thread for any hints for "Mum Management"!

MrsShawToBe

Thanks for actually reading through that, didn't realise how much I'd written!

Yeah, she has said that its entirely my decision in the end, but its apparently not nice having them travel so far then not feeding them. I even told her they will probably feel awkward and left out anyway, as they will be the only non-family people there other than my BM and sisters boyfriend. (And now my mums best friend, but I'm fine with that one as there is space for her and I have known her all my life, shes practically family).

I think I will ask her out for coffee thanks rainbowdrops

And oh no roz! Just get the foam one? Explain that its your wedding and as much as you appreciate its tradition and she'd like you to have a real one, that you would like the foam one as you love it more than any real one x

bunneh

I simply don't speak to my mum about the wedding at all now, anything to do with it I phone my dad and he's great about it. Saves me a lot of stress!

elvis86

Roz_V wrote: »

I don't know what it is about mums and weddings! Afraid I can't offer any advice though, I'm in a similar situation and just wanted you to know you're not alone! My mum has "compromised" and is "letting" me have the foam flowers I want for decorations & buttonholes, so long as I have a real bouquet (even though I have a foam one that I love) :mad:

I will be keeping an eye on this thread for any hints for "Mum Management"!

Is your mum paying for the wedding...? If not, why on earth are you allowing her preferences to override your own? *confused*

RE the OP; firstly I think it's very sad that you've been pressured into allocating all 38 places to family, with the exception of one friend. It's a shame for your friends to miss out on your day (unless you have none - weirdly a lot of people on here tend to say that).

RE your mum's friends from the IOW, as you say it's absolutely their choice to come. Why not politely explain to your mum and your gran, that if the generous offer of extra places being paid for is there, you have a list of X friends who you had been forced to omit due to numbers, all of whom would unfortunately take preference over your mum's friends.;)

Maybe remind your mum that as it stands, she has twice as many of her friends attending your wedding as you do. Who's day is it again..?:cool:

Your wedding, your decision. I don't understand why that is so hard for other people to accept and for brides to assert???

Perhaps it's because I don't live in my parents' pockets, but my mum would no more dictate my wedding guest list that she would dictate my shopping list in Sainsbury's this afternoon or what position OH and I have s3x in tonight!:eek:

Dekazer

I had a very similar situation with an ex-aunt I hadn't invited. As I explained to people lobbying for her to come, we had a priority-ordered list of 'reserves', so if anyone pulled out, their places would be filled from the top of the reserve list. This aunt was about number 50 on the reserve list!

aliasojo

My daughter is only 12 but I can promise you all that I am taking note of your complaints and I will try very hard to not do any of them.

Breathe OP. I hope it all goes well on the day.

Roz_V

elvis86 wrote: »

Is your mum paying for the wedding...? If not, why on earth are you allowing her preferences to override your own? *confused*

For an easy life, essentially!! She's said she will pay for the bouquet so, whatever! Flowers are low on my priority list but apparently high on hers!! I've ordered the foam buttonholes today though, 15 for £16.50 :money:

74jax

elvis86 wrote: »

Is your mum paying for the wedding...? If not, why on earth are you allowing her preferences to override your own? *confused*

RE the OP; firstly I think it's very sad that you've been pressured into allocating all 38 places to family, with the exception of one friend. It's a shame for your friends to miss out on your day (unless you have none - weirdly a lot of people on here tend to say that).

RE your mum's friends from the IOW, as you say it's absolutely their choice to come. Why not politely explain to your mum and your gran, that if the generous offer of extra places being paid for is there, you have a list of X friends who you had been forced to omit due to numbers, all of whom would unfortunately take preference over your mum's friends.;)

Maybe remind your mum that as it stands, she has twice as many of her friends attending your wedding as you do. Who's day is it again..?:cool:

Your wedding, your decision. I don't understand why that is so hard for other people to accept and for brides to assert???

Perhaps it's because I don't live in my parents' pockets, but my mum would no more dictate my wedding guest list that she would dictate my shopping list in Sainsbury's this afternoon or what position OH and I have s3x in tonight!:eek:

I'm pleased you wrote this, I was starting to feel that my OH and I must be such pains for wanting OUR wedding to be what WE want, not what everyone else wants.

We don't really see our family much at all and friends are very close to us. We have prioritised people (sounds bad :eek:) and it has to be said, our friends come way before family who we might see once a year (or less) and in my OH's case don't even get birthday cards etc.

We are though, as you say, not dependent on family financially. We've been together for so many years and are very much aware it's OUR day. Who we invite are OUR guests, and there to celebrate our marriage.

Everything from guests, to no flowers, no transport, the food, the decoration ect is all us, I really truly don't understand why people do things they don't want to, it is really sad that on your one wedding day, some bow down to what other people want.

MrsShawToBe

Nooo I think it must have read wrong. I want it to be only family. I want the friends to just come to the night reception, and if she wasn't a bridesmaid, my best friend would only be coming to the night reception.

Its my preference.

Its just that I don't want the other people there. Its my wedding, and I think she's listened.


On the subject of bridesmaid dresses, she rang me back and told me she just has had it playing on her mind a lot and is stressing about it as we can't sort them. So to keep her happy and not stressed I'm going along with it. It'll be fun anyway. She's prone to bouts of depression and my little sisters are both little brats at times, so I wanna help her be happy if I can x