Awkward RSVP: Advice please!

emz118

So, we have invited a guest who is a family member to our wedding with her husband. We had serious considerations before we invited her as she often causes problems, and barely speaks to her mother, who is also invited. She fell out with her sister, again also invited, over a year ago and they still don't speak. But the upshot of our debates was we haven't fallen out with her (Although we have very little contact) so we would invite her.

Anyway, the RSVP issue... as said already, she is married, to a man who is 30 years her senior (in his 70s) but for about the last 6+ years she has been going away on holiday with a man who moved in over the road from them. She is ALWAYS on holiday with him, leaves her husband at home by himself and just goes. We have met the "other man" once, and neither of us liked him.

Her RSVP came through our website at the weekend and basically says "My husband isn't well enough to come so I'm bringing my bit on the side." No please, or would it be ok if... just "this is how it is."

We are not having a massive wedding, only family and very close friends. We haven't invited any plus ones, we have only invited named guests, and have even not invited most peoples partners to the whole day, unless we know both members of the couple, now she wants to bring someone we have met once and dislike.

How on earth do I say "Not on your Nellie... P33 Off!!!" without actually saying it??? My OH is even more adamant than me that he is not coming.

74jax

emz118 wrote: »

So, we have invited a guest who is a family member to our wedding with her husband. We had serious considerations before we invited her as she often causes problems, and barely speaks to her mother, who is also invited. She fell out with her sister, again also invited, over a year ago and they still don't speak. But the upshot of our debates was we haven't fallen out with her (Although we have very little contact) so we would invite her.

Anyway, the RSVP issue... as said already, she is married, to a man who is 30 years her senior (in his 70s) but for about the last 6+ years she has been going away on holiday with a man who moved in over the road from them. She is ALWAYS on holiday with him, leaves her husband at home by himself and just goes. We have met the "other man" once, and neither of us liked him.

Her RSVP came through our website at the weekend and basically says "My husband isn't well enough to come so I'm bringing my bit on the side." No please, or would it be ok if... just "this is how it is."

We are not having a massive wedding, only family and very close friends. We haven't invited any plus ones, we have only invited named guests, and have even not invited most peoples partners to the whole day, unless we know both members of the couple, now she wants to bring someone we have met once and dislike.

How on earth do I say "Not on your Nellie... P33 Off!!!" without actually saying it??? My OH is even more adamant than me that he is not coming.

:eek: What a cheek

You say you aren't having a massive wedding, and it's only family and close friends. Yet you appear to have invited someone who, and I may be wrong it's just how it comes across, you don't really want there?

Do you want her there? with or without her husband? If you do, I'd just call her and explain the invite was written out herself and to whatshisname. I'd just say if he is not well enough to come then you have other people on the list who you would love to attend and fill the place.

I think that's an absolute cheek. I wouldn't dream of receiving an invitation and passing it on to someone else rather than attend myself.

I'd contact her asap though so that it's all out in the open and sorted, rather than have her think it's ok.

Shocking.

JOHN1982

74jax wrote: »

You say you aren't having a massive wedding, and it's only family and close friends. Yet you appear to have invited someone who, and I may be wrong it's just how it comes across, you don't really want there?

I thought exactly the same thing 74jax! I also thought (although it may sound harsh) that if she kicks off and pulls a "If he doesn't come, I won't!" trick then it's no real loss and then you CAN invite a couple more people you really want there!

OP; nip it in the bud ASAP!

bitterpill

I think she has a cheek too, defo say the invite is just for her and you hope she understands that its not personal but you just want close family and friends there!

easy

Absolutely !!

It is YOUR wedding and you don't have to have anyone there that you don't want to.

This lady isn't cheeky, she is downright RUDE, and ungracious. Also insensitive, as I can see the situation could be quite awkward and embarrassing for you, especially when compounded by the sister/mother problem.

Ring her ASAP (take a deep breath before you do), and tell her that her "bit on the side" as she sooo charmingly calls him, isn't invited. Tell her straight away, before she has chance to decide she needs a new dress/hat for the wedding, and before she has bought you a present.

As was said above, if she takes offence and doesn't attend herself, I think you have probably lost nothing.

Triker

I'd reply and say that your sorry her husband isn't well and can't attend and that you sure she'd understand that at your marriage ceremony, where you'll be making a lifelong commitment to be together and faithful to each other, that her 'bit on the side' is not really the done thing at such an event, sure you understand dahhhhling....and hang up!

emz118

Thanks people, just wanted to check I wasn't being a bit bridezilla over it.
She doesn't call him her "bit on the side" that's what we call him!!! Lol!
She is invited because she is a close family member of the groom, and it would have been awkward not to invite her.
Have looked at the RSVP again and noticed that she has picked "Church only" so have emailed and said is that what she meant, and will she not be joining us for the reception (Groom thinks that's likely) so will wait until she replies. Our church is huge, so she can bring whoever the hell she wants to the service, it's the reception I was stressing about!

Thanks for the advice, stopping me feeling like I'm insane, and for making me laugh!!!

Hollie84

I totally agree with what others have said, im in a bit of the same boat myself

74jax

emz118 wrote: »

so have emailed and said is that what she meant, and will she not be joining us for the reception (Groom thinks that's likely) so will wait until she replies.

I wouldn't email, I'd call her and ask. Last thing you want is her replying saying yes it is to church and reception THEN you having to say 'nope sorry that's not on'.

I'd put a stop to it now.


EDIT:
Whoops sorry I read it wrong, I thought you said you were going to email, not that you had emailed. By emailing saying 'are you not coming to the reception too, sounds as though it's ok. I don't know how you can now back track, if you know what I mean. I'd have just called and had it out there and then.

emz118

The thing is, I can't say who can and can't come to the church, as weddings are public services. However I can say no to the reception, that's a private party, and if she comes back and says that she thought she was coming to all of it I will say that she's welcome, but Man from Over the Road is NOT!!!

This forum is great for getting some perspective on things!!!

floss2

Was the invite for her only, or her & husband?

If it was her only, then when she responds to your email, ring & say "OK, thanks for the clarification, did you realise that the invitation is for you only?"

If it was for both, then I'm afraid you may have to shut up & put up with her friend....at least she told you in advance and didn't just turn up with him.