My partner denies she is in debt trouble

barmbyarmy

I have had my suspicions before and even paid off a few hundred pounds of store card debt for her, but my suspicions have resurfaced again.
Numourous phone calls from credit companies, and her response is just trying to get her to take insurance.
After asking her outright if she has trouble she denied she had any debt on her credit cards and doesn't have them anymore.
Not convinced i maybe foolishly, had a look around and found credit card statements totally over 2k and even found out that she had a seperate bank loan which has just been paid off for 2k. i presume she has racked up credit card debt and taken bank loan out to clear debt and then somehow spent another 2k on card.
I haven't a clue on where it has gone as she hasn't bought anything for the house, doesn't put anything away for holidays and i paid for all our kids xmas presents.
Now a letter has arrived which i admit, wrongly opened and she has had her credit card stopped after going over the limit and not paying the amount that was due. They are now handing the debt over and i can't believe she has done this again.
The mortgage is only in my name as is everything to do with the house, and i pay all the bills apart from food shopping.
I can't take the lies and deceipt but i am seriously thinking about leaving, but i have my 2 wonderful kids and it is not fair to punish them.
She even has the gaul to keep going on about holiday this year, which i will obviously be footing the bill for as per usual.
Please give me some advice, i really don't know where to turn to.

opinions4u

www.relate.org.uk

Perhaps she feels insecure with everything being in your name?

(That's not to say you should put everything in joint names)

Personally I think it would be a good idea to go through finances together once a month. Looking at all letters / bank statements / bills etc to work out ways to cut costs on pointless spending.

There will be and underlying issue that is driving her behaviour. She may not even know what it is. If you can get to the root of that there's a chance of changing things.

curlytop12

oh dear.

i'd get someone to have the children,so you have house to yourselves and tell her what you know.she can't deny it when you show her the proof.
i thought maybe you had all house stuff in your name due to her previous debt problem,is this right?to protect what you have or another reason?
obviously she has to face up to the debt (lightbulb moment) before any headway can be made.
thats why i suggest keeping children away-there may be arguements!

good luck!

also,you could do a SOA to confront her with, all incomings/bills/spends/debts etc to show her how this is affecting the WHOLE family.
tell her there will be NO holiday too.

barmbyarmy

The reason everything is in my name is when we applied for mortgage she wasn't accepted, hence my name only. As for all other bills I have always paid them, mainly because I lived on my own previously to meeting and buying house together. Hope that answers question. She does have her own money from her job which she just pays for food and the rest she keeps for herself.

eyeopener2

My OH found out, and to be honest although it was a dreadful time it was the best thing that ever happened. It forces you to confront things and sort them.

Tell her what you know and see the reaction. It won't be easy, she will either breakdown and confess all, if indeed there is anything to confess, or be angry with you. You may be the bad guy at this point.

Your job is to stay calm and work with her, not against her by being angry and accusing, to come to a plan to sort it out. Throwing bricks at each other will not solve a thing.

Good luck but remember one thing. Whats done is done, it's what you do now to sort it out that matters.

Vikipollard

I had to 'fess up to my OH. This was at the point that I was out of options, so no choice involved. My debt was c. £20k (one CC, one loan, one store card). And it was the second time I'd done it too. I am now in the final year of an IVA.

The way we worked it through was that we worked out our monthly outgoings; just like you, our mortgage is in his name only, at the time because we were both also on other mortgages (pending divorce from previous partners) and it was just too complicated to do a joint mortgage. Thankfully. Just like you, all the bills (except Water rates and Sky) come from his account.

My wages are paid in to his bank account, and a standing order set up for just enough for our food shop, petrol, water rates, sky and the IVA. For anything else, I had to ask for money, including for clothes. By becoming money-savvy, I now save 20% of this amount per month.

This has been a painful five years, but now I am the saver, and he depends on me to manage our savings. I've learnt to question whether I need something, or is it just want. In February, my wages return to my account as he is confident I am responsible enough (as well as restrained by the IVA).

Get the credit card statement, the letter etc, and as others have said, sit down with your partner. You both need to know the scale of the debt to determine what remedy there needs to be. Our resolution may seem draconian, but it was the only way for us to stay together. I am in no doubt that if I ever even look at a credit card again, there will be no more marriage.

The very best of luck, stay as calm as you can and try to be objective. xx

Determined_2b_Debt_Free

I feel for you. About 6 years ago my OH took out a £10k loan to pay off some credit cards and have a little bit (ooh about £2.5k) to fritter away in his current account!! I knew at that point that if this relationship was going to work I would have to be completely aware of his finances as he was absolutely rubbish with money, he was happy with that. I may not be perfect myself but I would never do that without talking to him! I do think he could have got himself into real trouble had that not have happened.

My advice would be to confront her, she may well have a problem and think she can handle it herself but the bottom line is she's keeping secrets and that's not good in any relationship.

Good luck!

downsizer3

Its hard as you can't force her to come clean. Leaving will only put more risk on everything as she'll have to take care of bills etc.
Time to have it out - ultimately you need an open book and she needs an allowance every month. If she's determined to have cards etc you'll not stop her until she just can't get any ( who's to stop payday loans etc?) so its all about making her face reality. Maybe life has been too easy - everything looked after until now.
Yes you opened a letter to her but you have every right to be suspicious obviously. Try and stay calm - she's maybe frightened to tell you as she knows you'll be mad? Good luck - it's hard to think you can't trust someone - my ex did something similar and I never quite trusted him financially again but taking on the finances for the household does help - its the credit cards that are the worry.

RAS

barmbyarmy wrote: »

Not convinced i maybe foolishly, had a look around and found credit card statements totally over 2k and even found out that she had a seperate bank loan which has just been paid off for 2k. i presume she has racked up credit card debt and taken bank loan out to clear debt and then somehow spent another 2k on card.
...........
The mortgage is only in my name as is everything to do with the house, and i pay all the bills apart from food shopping.
I can't take the lies and deceipt but i am seriously thinking about leaving, but i have my 2 wonderful kids and it is not fair to punish them.
She even has the gaul to keep going on about holiday this year, which i will obviously be footing the bill for as per usual.
Please give me some advice, i really don't know where to turn to.

Hi a few pointers.

You need to confront her - as your behaviour towards her will be affected by the knowledge you now have and there is a risk she will assume it is something else like another relationship.

I would advise that you both get your credit records from the credit reference agencies as that ensure that everything is transparent.

Whilst the house is in your sole name, the creditors cannot get a charging order but she will have some beneficial interest. So once you both know the extent of the damage she needs to contact a debt charity.

Given what you say, rather than an on-line advisor, try CAP as they do home visits. You may need that to get to the botom of the problem.

Any chance she is bailing out a relative?