Married and Moving Back with Mum!

LemonadeyLady

Hi,

I'm new to the forum but my husband and I are embarking on a big change this year in our quest to become debt-free and I'd really like to know if there are others in a similar situation and to hear about their experiences/get their advice.

We've been married for just over a year and a half and we live in a part-buy part-rent flat that my husband bought just before the crash in 2008.

I'm currently studying full time and my husband's income alone isn't enough to support us and our debts (mostly incurred before we got together). Thankfully my course ends in just over 6 months.

The pretty drastic solution we've come up with is to move back in with my mum, into her 3 bedroom house less than a mile from us. She's 100% supportive and has agreed to have us there for as long as we need to, paying a nominal amount to cover the bills.

We can't let the flat because we don't own it outright so we're having to sell it. There are lots of complicated rules involved in selling (set down by the housing association that we pay rent to) so that's a headache in itself. To make matters worse the flat hasn't yet been valued but judging by similar properties nearby we suspect it'll be worth around £40k less than what my husband paid for it three years ago. (I should point out that he only owns 35% of the total cost, so it would be around 35% of £40k owing to the mortgage company).

The financial worries are enough by themselves to fill a forum thread for an eternity(!) but I'd also really like to hear from others about the practical and relational issues of moving back with parents- particularly as a couple.

Thanks so much for any advice you can give.

anh1904

I know of people who have successfully done this, but make sure all the ground rules are very clear all round.

You will be living in someone else's house, with limited prvacy, so for the relationship to survive, make sure you make quality time to spend with each other.

As you are moving back with YOUR mum, your husband will be even more the "guest", so you may need to make all the extra effort to make sure you get through it.

Good luck, you can, categorically, live much cheaper as lodgers with family, but it doe involve compromising your lifestyles somewhat.

camuk81

I second all of the above. Please do not get involved in the side swiping and if possible all arguments discussion to be had away from her!

rising_from_the_ashes

Yup, would agree with the above - it's a big adjustment to make but can work well and be great for paying off debts / saving money for a deposit etc.

You do need to establish ground rules tho' - who's going to make dinner etc? Although it may sound great to having your mum do it, you may like different things / you may want a quiet meal with your hubby once in a while etc. What about having friends over etc (and this from your mum's point of view too - sure she's got things she does that she'll want to continue) ....... Maybe try to have a couple of days / week that you all do your own things .....

Good luck

camuk81

Yep, time you go out and do something. We are 3 then mother in law moved in, due to us not going anywhere and her not going anywhere it came to a boiling point!

PPink

With Selling the Part buy/Part rent make sure you are on their backs day and night!

My boyfriend had 6 weeks (out of the 8 weeks he had to try and sell with the HA) without a single viewing!! He then was allowed to start marketing at 6 weeks with an Estate Agent and surprise surprise HA sunddenly found a whole load of people who wanted to view his property. He also had to do all the viewings himself with HA.

Their communication was awful - even once we had afilled out a form so that i could call on his behalf they didnt like speaking to me and if you emailed at 9am you didnt get a reply till 4.55 when they had shot out the door if they wee in the office!

a couple of costs that you need to think about -
are you in a fixed mortgage if so you will need to pay early repayment charges?
HA legal fees and cost associated with them finding a buyer - are a joke! more than EA's charge!

Sorry I cant offer more on the living with parents but I hope all works out well for you! xx

hudswell

When we were first married (1978), we looked at renting (not enough income for a mortgage) but in the end we moved in with my wife’s parents, paying a valid rent to cover our share of the bills. It was approximately 1 year before we were in a position to get our first place together – and we had to move out to a cheaper housing area.

What made it work for us was that we had 1 room (downstairs front room) that was ours (and only ours) where we had the bed, clothes, non-perishable food, chairs, radio etc., i.e. our own space where we spent the vast majority of our time. I could not imagine having our bedroom next to where my wife’s parents were sleeping, though realise this may not be an option for everyone.

We also cooked our meals separately (partly as I commuted 25 miles to work so got home relatively late).

Effectively, we had a separate life to my wife’s parents though, of necessity, had to share the bathroom and used the appliances when needed. Also, be sure to do your fair share of the general housework.

I was the ‘guest’ in the house but, for both of us, it was important that we were together not acting as ‘daughter + surrogate son’ within the overall household with Mum cooking all meals etc. (not well phrased, but hopefully you get the gist). As you’ve been together for 18 months already, I’d think this even more important for you.

Was everything perfect – absolutely not, and lots of bullets were bitten along the way, but like all of life you have to make things work as no-one said it would be easy. Something must have worked, though, as we’re still together 33 years later :j.

Have a great life together, and best wishes for your future.

LemonadeyLady

Thanks PPink, that's really helpful. We've been reading through the HA's regulations about all the fees and conditions of selling, it's a bit of a headache! Plus it's all very confusing because we're in negative equity! I really wish we'd been taught about all this stuff in school it's horrible to be in your late twenties and approaching such an important project with very little background information. We've got some serious self-study to do! But thanks for your post

LemonadeyLady

Wow hudswell thank you so much for your post! It's given me hope

Some sound advice there about operating separately. We've agreed that when we move in my husband and I will cook separately from my mum from Mo-Fri and then on Saturday we'll cook for mum and on Sunday she'll cook for us. There's a cleaner who comes in once a week but we've agreed to keep the place considerably tidier than we've managed in our own flat! My mum did offer us the downstairs living room as our bedroom because the alternative is sleeping in the room next to hers, but we were reluctant at first because the two living rooms are separated by a pretty flimsy concertina door. Thank you for your advice though I'll definitely raise this with my husband, we've been worrying about this issue!

It's really good to hear somebody's personal experience and to hear that you and your wife have made it to 33 years of marriage, congratulations!

Thank you.

LemonadeyLady

camuk8 thanks for the advice about setting aside 'us' time. We have friends who live with their in-laws because of cultural reasons and they go on lots of walks, date nights and weekends away. Although we probably couldn't afford the weekends away it's really helpful to hear just how important the 'days out' and the time away from mum is. Thanks