Long distance relationships and Debt

honey_gem

I hope no one minds me posting this here but I dont really know where else to seek help. I am hoping someone here has been in a similar dilemma and can offer some advice.

My OH and I had a big discussion about our future the other night and I have done nothing but think and cry about it ever since as I can see no way round it

We live over 300 miles apart and we both agreed that we don't feel we can keep going on like this for another 3/4 even 5 years. Mostly not seeing each other as often as we would like (we see each other once a month if we are lucky as neither of us can afford to travel more regularly).

I am practically a year into a Trust Deed and he was made bankrupt a few years ago, he has been discharged but is still making payments. A mortgage is out of the question just now because of this. I work in a Nursery and for my job am on a fantastic salary, my OH is in a job he loves doing and is on a great salary also. If he was to move here he would have to look for something totally different as the company he works for do not have any places here. I could probably get a job very easily down near him, but it would no doubt mean a wage cut of nearly 50% which I certainly cannot afford. I have been looking on the internet at salary's for the area and this is what has come up

I think I could cope moving down south as I have quite a few friends in the area who I have known longer than I have known him! But my OH would struggle moving here as he only knows my family and a few people he knows from another chat forum we are both members of. I love him dearly and really don't want things to end.

I just can't seem to figure a way round it so we can be together. Every time we talk about it, it just comes back to money

Ali-OK

Aww Honey_gen, I can certainly sympathise with your situation. It was me a good few years ago (but no debt back then!).

All I can say, is keep discussing it and both of you look out for jobs. I say this, because initially we decided the OH would move, but he couldn't find a job he really wanted. I loved everything about my job, but 6 months of talking and getting nowhere, we decided that being together was our number one priority and I was the one to move - new job, new town, no friends :eek: (but I made some quick! ).

Would you OH be open to moving to you?

Hope you work something out - LDR's are hard work and the being together in the end will be worth going through the large life changes it takes to do it.

GirlRacer_2

Hi both, I found myself in the same situation some years back. Me in South Wales with the kids and a good job and hubby up North in lodgings and earning a good wage. We have major money problems and in the end the problems split us up permanently. Try hard to stay together. Your relationship is more important than money x

honey_gem

Having spoke to a few friends and my mum over the past few days I am feeling alot happier about what I need to do.

I have looked into the job situation down where my OH lives and if I managed to get into the council education system I would have no problems moving tomorrow!

The stumbling blocks are my Trust Deed and my OH's bankrupcy. It will not be possible to move for me at least for the next 2 years at least the way the money is divided in my TD I doubt I could find a place to live with what they have allocated for rent and council tax which is £200 in total. I could easily live on my food/ household budget but no money for paying bills. My OH is still living at home also and struggles as it is with his money and is rarely left with much left after his money is divided up with his bills.

I am trying to think positive if it takes another 2 years for us to get a place together then it takes another 2 years we will be together eventually.

If only either one of us had not been silly and got ourselves into such a mess

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!

janiegs

You don't have to move to his place or he to yours either. If you could find the right jobs with the right salaries you could move somewhere completely different together....

krayzechick

Im in a situation like yours.

Me and my OH have been together for only 9 months, but we're pretty certain we're gonna be together for the rest of our lives! We were best friends for 4 years before we got together, a year before we got together we were practically together, and since may last year we are practically married! hehe

Anyways... I live in Gloucestershire and he lives in Birmingham. Not too far really at the moment. It costs about £10 to see each other each time which doesnt break the bank really. Usually its about 3 times a month between us, Only takes an hour to drive there.

The problem though is I have £18k debt to pay off, and he has £7k of student debt. He's a student at the moment. Come June he'll be moving back home which is 300 miles away - 3½ hour drive each way, in Lincoln. He cant drive either. Which means me basically going to him all the time (trains are a buggar) I cant afford £25 a time to get to see him. And the physical time spent travelling will cause a huge strain.

We want to move in together but realistically cant afford it. I have ¾ of my wages going out on debt repayments each month. And he doesnt have any spare cash. Plus he doesnt want to move further south than Brum (northern pride and football to go to :think: ) and I dont see why I should move all the way up there! My family are so close, and following the recent death of my nan we're even closer! I couldnt imagine not seeing them. My cousins I see about 4 times a week!!! We really dont know whats gonna happen!!

But at the end of the day we both think what we have together is worth all the heartache now.. We know what one day we will be together in our own house, if we both have to move to outer mongolia then so be it!

Its ultimately what you think the relationship is worth. What you put into a relationship you should get back from it. Communication is a great tool. Even though we can be together I know every hair he has lost that day because we're constantly talking to each other

Good Luck...!!

beanielou

You could go back to your trustee & see if they would be willing to look at the figures again- explaining why- I understand there can be some flexibility.
Good luck!

debt23

Hi,

Hope all works out for you - its tough I know.

To be honest though, from my point of view - when I first met my wife there was'nt a force on earth that would have kept me away from her - money being the least relevant - but then again ive never been that good with the cash thing!

Of course, I still love my wife like mad, but its the kids that stop me working away anymore - I feel like a heroin addict or something, if I dont get my daily 'fix' of seeing the kids smile I go to pieces!

Hope this can work out for you - they do say 'love conquers all'.

But then again, my dad is always saying...

'when poverty comes in the door, love goes out the window'

But hes a miserable so and so.

All the best

debt23

honey_gem

Well went down to see OH at the weekend and due to financial circumstances we have decided to split up

There were things I only found out yesterday that I didn't know before and it turns out that although my OH was made bankrupt a few years ago, he had borrowed a large sum of money from other people and his family has helped pay them back by getting loans out for him and he is still paying off these loans. He literally has less than £100 to live off of and fuel his car which he needs for work. I also found out that he was borrowing money from family so he could come see me. So more money he was borrowing.

We decided that it would be for the best to call it a day.

hypno06

Hugs to you right now.

Whatever happens in the future, you will be strong enough to realise that it is for the best. This may be just what he needs in order to have his "real" lightbulb moment rather than the partial one he appears to have had in the past.

In turn, this could mean that you form a stronger more realistic relationship together in the future.

x

knithappens

I know i am not much help, but just wanted to let you know , not to give up. My hubby and i have had a long distance relationship for the past 2 years, he is US military, we see each other other 4 -6 months, due to the cost of air fair, but also the military dictating when and where he can have leave.

don't give up on the relationship, even if you have to wait longer to be together, as long as you are committed to each other, you will find a way.