Causing people hassle and stress

findingmyownway

Hi

As many of you know, I'm not actually officially engaged, but we are thinking about a wedding 'next year' in quite abstract terms, until OH puts his money where his mouth is

Anyhow, I seem to be surrounded by weddings and wedding talk at the moment (friends, family, friends-of-friends planning weddings) etc and to be quite honest its all getting a little bit dull!

The common theme seems to be causing a huge amount of hassle for the guests! Perhaps its because I see more of the 'guests' point of view than the brides, having never been a bride, but i do think expecting people to travel 100s of miles into the countryside and fork out £200/night for a hotel room plus expensive drinks etc is a bit unfair? Or is this just the 'done thing' these days? Or do i mingle in the wrong social circles? :rotfl:

And don't even get me started on the "we have everything we need, and we know you've spent a fortune on coming to the wedding, but we would still quite like some cold hard cash to spend on honeymoon/paying off our credit cards" train of thought :mad:


What I want for my (sorry, our ) wedding is for the people involved to genuinely WANT to attend. I don't want them saying to their other friends "oh god i've got to go to FMOW's wedding in June, it's going to cost me a fortune and be a right hassle to organise babysitting/dog sitters/plant waterers etc"

Is that so unusual? The reaction I've had from friends would suggest it is.

But apart from the local church / village hall option (which is out as not religious, and to be fair would still require family to travel), what other options are there?? Or do I just need to man up and get on with it?

johannalf88

I think u will be surprised how many people genuinely want to come. OH was assuming that some of his cousins would not be coming (getting them all together is really hard as there are a few n spread all over the country), but they are apparently all looking forward to it. They also assume that their boyfriends are being invited.... So numbers are going up n up...

The other option is you pay for people to stay the hotels etc, which would be very generous. It is something I would love to do, but there is no way my budget would allow it!!

We are having a free bar though, n not in a hotel so they don't have to pay expensive places, there is a premier inn near by etc.

jtr2803

We were literally just talking about this at lunch! As you might have seen on the other thread, I would love to go away just the two of us as I know that some members of my OH's close family would moan about outfits/cost/travel etc but I also know they will moan if we go away and they can't come....you just can't win with some people.

I think you should have the day YOU want, those closest to you will be happy for you regardless

findingmyownway

I know that lots of people will want to come really. Which is fine, I just feel guilty that the only 'decent' hotels etc all seem to charge £100+ for a room. Maybe that's just the way of the world these days. I just don't want to be one of those cliche brides who causes worry for people who can't afford the things they think are expected of them.

Same goes for a hen do... of course I would really love a weekend in New York/Ibiza/blah, but I know that its not fair to ask my friends to do that. I feel a bit like i'm at the age where people are so over-sensitive to another wedding that whatever I do will be wrong or judged.

stir_crazy

I have some family who live 100's of miles away - my auntie and uncle live in Germany and some relatives are down south. But, I will be asking them to come, and my german relatives are actually scheduling their holiday round my wedding now so that they'll be there. I'll be letting them know my hotel's room rates, and also giving them numbers for a travel inn or other cheaper hotel. It's not a case of feeling guilty that they have to spend money on accomodation, its more that they would just take the hump if they weren't invited.

As for the hen do - I'm having two. One in a different city for a weekend for those who can afford it and one in my hometown for those who cant afford to come to the first one. Was just going to have the one in my home town until my OH decided he wanted to go away for his stag.

MaggieBaking

Myself and a friend both had relatively guest-centric weddings.

Mine was a city centre location right by a train station so travelling in was a doddle. She organised a coach from the hotel (just outside city centre) to the Church and back.

We both made sure that accommodation was cheap, that alcohol at the venue was reasonably priced and it was in a location convenient for the majority of guests attending.

If what you want is to do it that way you just have to make it your priority. In my wedding venue search I went through all the hotels I could find with a marriage license (literally, I downloaded the list of venues from the council). At each place I searched for how many the venue could hold, the price per head, and then did a search for accommodation prices on a random Saturday evening. If those prices were reasonable I booked to see the venue and made sure I made it clear to the venue that it needed to be reasonable for guests and what rates they could offer.

In the end I'm pleased with how it went - practically everyone we invited could make it, we made it clear on our website (not invitations) that we knew the costs of attending our wedding (last minute and just before Christmas) and we would much rather guests brought "their party pants than a present" :rotfl: Although we did link to a gift list on the website, I made sure there were lots of items at £3, £10 etc. Our venue was such that guests didn't have to dress "posh" and they could wear what clothes they felt comfortable in, drinks were reasonably priced and we bought welcome drinks, wine on the table, toast drinks and provided plenty of food and food options.

Edit, for my hen do I only invited "local" people, and made sure no one went bankrupt. I bought everyone a mini sequined top hat so no one needed to buy fancy dress etc, and went to the haunts of my youth, knowing it would be cheap, and made it a bit of a "blast from the past" for my friends etc.

lisajane8482

Our ceremony venue is 8 miles away from where we and most of OH family live (which is where the reception is being held) but is 16 miles away for most of my side of the family. We chose our venue as we are not religious and the register office is not too nice plus only holds a small number of people. We decided we will put a coach on from the ceremony to the reception for the guests but it is up to the guests to get to the ceremony and home from the reception. When talking to my family about our plans they were rather surprised we were being as they put it "generous" and that they would have been more than happy to arrange their own transport for the whole day.

bride2be2012

also, you will find it very hard to please everyone!

We chose our venue as we can get married in the hotel; 99% of our guests will be travelling so we though it would be good to have the wedding somewhere people can stay over. Now OH's mum and one of his brothers are booking into the nearest travelodge as they say it's too expensive to stay in the hotel. No-one else has objected to the price (we have rates of £65-80 a night per room for guests, depending on what kind of room you want, it's no way a £200 a night kinda place!). Some of my aunties and uncles are booking into a holiday lodge about 10 miles out of town, so they can bring their dogs.

Drinks are fairly reasonable, IMO, but some of OH work colleagues and my Dad have been having a moan it's too expensive. I think a pint for £3 is fairly reasonable, and what I expect to pay on a night out in town. They don't!

So you can try your absolute best to make it as easy for your guests as you can, but chances are there will be someone who isn't pleased!

Dekazer

I've got two main tips on this.

1. We started by considering the style of wedding we wanted, and then made decisions in this order...

- First, think about the atmosphere you both want (formal, informal, relaxed, grand, elegant, casual, family-ish, etc). This will help you with many decisions later.

- Second, think about your guest list; who must be there, who would be nice to have, and who would you have in an ideal world.

- Third, what is your budget?

Once those have been answered, you'll be closer to picking a venue. In our case, we decided that we wanted a good old fashioned casual knees-up with music and free booze, that we wanted a large guest list, and that we had about £10k to spend. Result = Registry office then a restaurant for a curry with 60 nearest and dearest, followed by a party at a community centre with a free bar and a live band, for around 200. We're paying for everything on the day (food, drink, transport), and although some people will need to travel and find accommodation, we have chosen a venue in London close to lots of budget hotels and public transport...

There's no need to shy away from having the day you really want, but if you are very guest focussed, there are plenty of excellent options that will reduce the costs to your guests, without having to compromise on your atmosphere too much.

2. Hens can be whatever you like provided you are not the sort of person who demands that everyone attends. You may be surprised how many people would love to save up (given plenty of notice) for a girly trip to Ibiza - after all, it's not the sort of thing people can do often. And it is possible to have budget trips abroad. The suggestion of having a trip away hen PLUS a local cheap night out is a good compromise.

bubbles0169

findingmyownway wrote: »

And don't even get me started on the "we have everything we need, and we know you've spent a fortune on coming to the wedding, but we would still quite like some cold hard cash to spend on honeymoon/paying off our credit cards" train of thought :mad:

QUOTE]
speaking from a brides POV, we will not be asking for any presents or money as we have had our own house for 10 years now, and id rather not have a present rather than have alot of wedding day gifts which i havent got the space in my house to display
and from a guests POV-i will put in note to say the above(just shortened) but because i know my friends and family would like(and not feel forced) to give something i will say money, at least i can then get something id appreciate but at the end of the day just aslong as theyr there to witness our day thats all that matters

elliebobs

We're getting married about two hours away from where we live so have decided to pay for everyone's accommodation. As a result our wedding is pretty small; only 16 people and consists of close family only.
The thought of asking them to shlep all that way and then pay £100 per night on top of drinks etc just didn't sit right with me.

If we were getting married in the area in which we live then we probably wouldn't pay to be honest; there are loads of cheap hotels and travel lodge type of places to stay and the guest list would be greater,

I also have pretty strong views on people asking for money so I'll keep schtum!