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Married! But need to vent
Nyankochan_2
Posts: 38 Forumite
Hi ladies
Yep, as of 19/11/11 I am officially a married woman - it was an amazing day and I'd like to share some bits of wisdom, as is normal around these parts. (No pics as yet, but will get there eventually).
Shoes: if you have a long dress, don't bother with expensive ones - no-one's going to see! I had one cheap pair (used but still in good nick) for walking on the grass (I knew they'd get ruined), then another (still cheap, but new, Rainbow club) ones for indoors/dancing. Worked a treat.
Flowers: our florist was amazing, coming up with a gorgeous bouquet, buttonholes, centrepieces and top table display for our fairly meagre budget. They were really friendly and helpful in suggesting cheaper seasonal flowers to bring down costs. Anyone needs a recommendation for a florist in the Birmingham area, PM me.
Little details: It's true what they say, you won't care on the day;) I will say though that one my my best last-minute buys was some little tealights in glass holders from poundland - they looked great dotted round the venue!
And, it really does all go in a blur. Savour every moment.
Now my vent (sorry in advance for the essay, I've got the explain this all carefully). I've had difficulty with my family - some of you may remember me mentioning my brother, who couldn't invite because he'd fallen out with my mom? Well, in the end my parents were the only family members I had present, owing to many and various falling-outs (none directly involving me, I should add). But here's the killer thing... my parents let me down. Well, in my opinion they did. See what you think.
I stayed at my house the night before the wedding, and went out to salons to get my hair and makeup done. Fiance had gone off to his parents' hotel. I was getting dressed at the venue, so there was very little to do at home. Just one of the ushers (who was staying overnight with us) was at the house keeping an eye on things. I ummmed and ahhhed until about a week before the wedding about getting my parents and my chief (only) bridesmaid to meet me and the ushers at my house, and hiring a nice limo or something to take us all to the venue. In the end though, as it wasn't very MSE and I wasn't wearing my dress, I decided against it. The BM lives near to the venue anyway, and since my parents can't park nearer than ten minutes' walk from my house owing to a residents' parlking scheme, I arranged for them all to meet me and the ushers at the venue at 12.45.
OK. Get to venue at 12.45, no sign of BM or parents. I should explain, the main bit of the venue is the large hall downstairs, the bridal changing room is upstairs. Fiance and his parents were due to arrive at 1.00, so I had to be upstairs by then (I didn't want to risk bumping into him downstairs). BM turned up at just gone 1, having been a little delayed. No biggie. Still no parents. Try calling their mobiles. Both switched off. I'm starting to worry at this point, as Dad has a condition that means he's prone to blackouts. Have he had one in the car on the way? Or are they just stuck in traffic? No way of knowing. It gets to 1.15, still no parents, BM is busy with her makeup, I have no-one to help me get dressed, and I'm due my registrar's meeting at 1.30. Getting really wound up. At 1.25 one of the ushers comes up and asks me for my parents' buttonholes, as they are downstairs. Turns out they had been there since 1.05, but no-one had told me, and they didn't come upstairs to meet me. So I ask him to bring them up, and yes, I admit, I snapped at them when they came into the room - not swore or anything, but said "Where have you been??" Obviously I was very stressed by this point, and annoyed that they had been at the venue for so long without letting me know. But, I got successfully laced into my dress, ceremony started more or less on time, all the stress vanished the second I saw FH in the ceremony room, and the rest of the day ran like a dream. Honestly, I was so happy.
Then I spoke to my parents on the phone last night.
Basically they wiped the floor with me, saying how upset they had been that I had snapped at them when they came in the room, how I had told them to arrive at 1 (absolute rubbish) and given them no instructions on what to do when they got there. I said I had expected us to all go up to the bridal room together at 12.45ish, and didn't have a contingency plan for if they showed up after I'd had to go upstairs ('cos you don't expect your parents to be late on your wedding day, right?) - but *assumed* they would come immediately to find me, as BM had. Instead, when they arrived the ushers told them where I was, but they hung around downstairs (like "spare parts" as Dad put it) for 20 minutes instead of either coming up themselves or even just sending the usher up to tell me they'd arrived. Their justification for this was "You didn't specifically tell us beforehand what you wanted us to do when we arrived, and you could have phoned down to one of the ushers to ask them if we were there". My counter argument was that the logical thing for parents of the bride to do when arriving an hour before the ceremony would be to come to the bride, then they could *ask* what I wanted or needed them to do. Or just, y'know, to see how I was doing in general!?
So now Mom's upset she didn't get to see my bouquet, hair and makeup properly before the ceremony, I'm upset for exactly the same reason but also annoyed because it was a direct result of her CHOOSING not to come up to me when they arrived. Dad's peeved because he reckons I didn't give them enough information, but we gave them instructions and info at roughly the same time as the other parents and the ushers, and everyone else seemed to manage fine.
I've given up trying to fathom who's in the right and who's in the wrong here, my parents are adamant I more or less ruined the day for them (even though I wasn't cross with them at all for the whole day after 2.00), but I feel like their decision to remain downstairs and not let me know they'd arrived was both thoughtless and totally illogical. All I really know is it's exhausting, hurtful, and I'm honestly starting to wonder if it's of any benefit at all for me to maintain contact with any members of my family. Without going into details, this isn't the first, second or even third special occasion that's been ruined like this owing to one or both of my parents.
Oh, but hubby's parents said it was the best wedding ever. So that cheered me up a bit:)
I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that you should make your instructions simple enough for a three year old. Oh, and make sure beforehand that everyone in the bridal party has their bloody mobiles switched on...!
Yep, as of 19/11/11 I am officially a married woman - it was an amazing day and I'd like to share some bits of wisdom, as is normal around these parts. (No pics as yet, but will get there eventually).
Shoes: if you have a long dress, don't bother with expensive ones - no-one's going to see! I had one cheap pair (used but still in good nick) for walking on the grass (I knew they'd get ruined), then another (still cheap, but new, Rainbow club) ones for indoors/dancing. Worked a treat.
Flowers: our florist was amazing, coming up with a gorgeous bouquet, buttonholes, centrepieces and top table display for our fairly meagre budget. They were really friendly and helpful in suggesting cheaper seasonal flowers to bring down costs. Anyone needs a recommendation for a florist in the Birmingham area, PM me.
Little details: It's true what they say, you won't care on the day;) I will say though that one my my best last-minute buys was some little tealights in glass holders from poundland - they looked great dotted round the venue!
And, it really does all go in a blur. Savour every moment.
Now my vent (sorry in advance for the essay, I've got the explain this all carefully). I've had difficulty with my family - some of you may remember me mentioning my brother, who couldn't invite because he'd fallen out with my mom? Well, in the end my parents were the only family members I had present, owing to many and various falling-outs (none directly involving me, I should add). But here's the killer thing... my parents let me down. Well, in my opinion they did. See what you think.
I stayed at my house the night before the wedding, and went out to salons to get my hair and makeup done. Fiance had gone off to his parents' hotel. I was getting dressed at the venue, so there was very little to do at home. Just one of the ushers (who was staying overnight with us) was at the house keeping an eye on things. I ummmed and ahhhed until about a week before the wedding about getting my parents and my chief (only) bridesmaid to meet me and the ushers at my house, and hiring a nice limo or something to take us all to the venue. In the end though, as it wasn't very MSE and I wasn't wearing my dress, I decided against it. The BM lives near to the venue anyway, and since my parents can't park nearer than ten minutes' walk from my house owing to a residents' parlking scheme, I arranged for them all to meet me and the ushers at the venue at 12.45.
OK. Get to venue at 12.45, no sign of BM or parents. I should explain, the main bit of the venue is the large hall downstairs, the bridal changing room is upstairs. Fiance and his parents were due to arrive at 1.00, so I had to be upstairs by then (I didn't want to risk bumping into him downstairs). BM turned up at just gone 1, having been a little delayed. No biggie. Still no parents. Try calling their mobiles. Both switched off. I'm starting to worry at this point, as Dad has a condition that means he's prone to blackouts. Have he had one in the car on the way? Or are they just stuck in traffic? No way of knowing. It gets to 1.15, still no parents, BM is busy with her makeup, I have no-one to help me get dressed, and I'm due my registrar's meeting at 1.30. Getting really wound up. At 1.25 one of the ushers comes up and asks me for my parents' buttonholes, as they are downstairs. Turns out they had been there since 1.05, but no-one had told me, and they didn't come upstairs to meet me. So I ask him to bring them up, and yes, I admit, I snapped at them when they came into the room - not swore or anything, but said "Where have you been??" Obviously I was very stressed by this point, and annoyed that they had been at the venue for so long without letting me know. But, I got successfully laced into my dress, ceremony started more or less on time, all the stress vanished the second I saw FH in the ceremony room, and the rest of the day ran like a dream. Honestly, I was so happy.
Then I spoke to my parents on the phone last night.
Basically they wiped the floor with me, saying how upset they had been that I had snapped at them when they came in the room, how I had told them to arrive at 1 (absolute rubbish) and given them no instructions on what to do when they got there. I said I had expected us to all go up to the bridal room together at 12.45ish, and didn't have a contingency plan for if they showed up after I'd had to go upstairs ('cos you don't expect your parents to be late on your wedding day, right?) - but *assumed* they would come immediately to find me, as BM had. Instead, when they arrived the ushers told them where I was, but they hung around downstairs (like "spare parts" as Dad put it) for 20 minutes instead of either coming up themselves or even just sending the usher up to tell me they'd arrived. Their justification for this was "You didn't specifically tell us beforehand what you wanted us to do when we arrived, and you could have phoned down to one of the ushers to ask them if we were there". My counter argument was that the logical thing for parents of the bride to do when arriving an hour before the ceremony would be to come to the bride, then they could *ask* what I wanted or needed them to do. Or just, y'know, to see how I was doing in general!?
So now Mom's upset she didn't get to see my bouquet, hair and makeup properly before the ceremony, I'm upset for exactly the same reason but also annoyed because it was a direct result of her CHOOSING not to come up to me when they arrived. Dad's peeved because he reckons I didn't give them enough information, but we gave them instructions and info at roughly the same time as the other parents and the ushers, and everyone else seemed to manage fine.
I've given up trying to fathom who's in the right and who's in the wrong here, my parents are adamant I more or less ruined the day for them (even though I wasn't cross with them at all for the whole day after 2.00), but I feel like their decision to remain downstairs and not let me know they'd arrived was both thoughtless and totally illogical. All I really know is it's exhausting, hurtful, and I'm honestly starting to wonder if it's of any benefit at all for me to maintain contact with any members of my family. Without going into details, this isn't the first, second or even third special occasion that's been ruined like this owing to one or both of my parents.
Oh, but hubby's parents said it was the best wedding ever. So that cheered me up a bit:)
I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that you should make your instructions simple enough for a three year old. Oh, and make sure beforehand that everyone in the bridal party has their bloody mobiles switched on...!
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Comments
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Sounds like you had a lovely day. Sorry your parents spoilt part of the afternoon for you. Hope things sort themselves out xFirst baby due 3/3/14 - Team Yellow! Our little girl born 25/2/14
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I think people forget that a wedding is a one off event (normally) in terms of the key people involved, so there are sometimes occassions where people don't know where they are supposed to be.
Hopefully when time passes you'll forget the little blip & just have the happy memories
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It sounds like it all worked out and you had a fantastic day. I'd just concentrate on that.
At my OH's wedding, the bride and groom got ready in the hotel and we all arrived. I must admit the parents didn't go up to see her, but the bride, as far as I'm aware, didn't ask them too either.
I think it's just a misunderstanding and I'm sure if you'd asked them they would have jumped at the chance, but as you hadn't they maybe didn't want to intrude on your time getting ready. They might have thought you wanted the peace and quiet?
I don't think you parents should say you ruined the day for them, especially as you mention after 2pm everything was ok.
Focus on the future you now both have together and try and let this pass and you'll look back on your day with great fondness.
EDITED to agree with Rainbowdrops, plus all weddings are different. Imagine if they had walked in and you really didn't want them to see you until you walked down the aisle.Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....0 -
TBH, I think it was due to miscommunication on both sides. Accept it, you can't change it now, and move on. Don't allow it to sour any remaining family relationships.0
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Congratulations. Don't let the problem with your parents spoil the memories of your day.Married the man of my dreams - 10th September 2012, St Paul's Bay Lindos :jIt was amazing.
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Do you think that there is a chance that they felt that they didn't want to do the wrong thing on the day in fear of upsetting you so they stayed clear? It sounds a little like they were fearful of doing wrong and through fear of upsetting you they acheived the thing that they didn't want to?
You'll know the answer better than anyone on here anyway. Glad your day turned out to be a pleasure though!0 -
Thanks for the replies and well wishes folks, it was a real muddle and I'll be happy to move on from it and concentrate on the good stuff!0
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It's a shame this is shadowing your day - it should be about you and your husband - your mum and dad need to get a grip as it's not about you "ruining their day" - it isn't their day... its yours!
Ultimately whats done is done and you either need to say look, it was my wedding I had every right to be stressed, I apologise if you don't think i was clear enough in terms of instructions but I just felt you would have your own initiative to come and see me before I got married. But ultimately they didnt - so you and them need to deal with that and move on. Alternatively, cut all contact.Saving for our next step up the property ladder0 -
Seeml like you overreacted a littlle bit (imo) by snapping at them, but in saying that, they didn't need to bring anything up again after the wedding.Getting married to a wonderful lady on August 10, 2012.
Need to save up, lose weight, reduce my money worries and get back to being the real me! :j0 -
Sounds like you didn't make it clear what you expected them to do, and they didn't make it clear that they expected to be told what to do.
You assumed they would (somehow) know what to do.
They assumed that you would (somehow) know they expected to be told what to do.
So, both sides made assumptions about the other ... neither of which happened, and each is blaming the other.
Overall, it sounds like clear communication may be an issue in your family? (Not that that makes you in ANY way unusual - sorry
)
PS Glad you enjoyed your day; let it go - move on; enjoy being married (in my experiences, one of the best decisions I ever made ) 0
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