Looking for a little bit of advice...

punkpink

I have made this as a christmas prezzie for my OH;



(its a jar of smiles if you havn't seen one before lol)

Now im just stuck for what to write on the gift tag i have to tie round the neck

I have come up with this;

Here is a jar filled with smiles for you,
It's something thats made for only a few.
Each one contains a lot of love,
And feels just like a great big hug.

So when your down and your day's gone wrong,
Or you begin to feel you don't belong.
Stick your hand in the jar and take a sweet,
And think to yourself, life is a treat.


Does anybody that is poetic or creative have any constructive criticism for the above, i'm not normally a poetry person but thought it would be a nice added touch to the jar.

TIA

bunty109

Great poem, but it would sound better (IMO) if you changed the last two lines to:

"stick your hand in the jar and take a treat,
And think to yourself, life is sweet"

Life is sweet is a recognised saying so it just seems to make more sense to me. Great idea and poem btw. x

punkpink

bunty109 wrote: »

Great poem, but it would sound better (IMO) if you changed the last two lines to:

"stick your hand in the jar and take a treat,
And think to yourself, life is sweet"

Life is sweet is a recognised saying so it just seems to make more sense to me. Great idea and poem btw. x

Thank you, its hard when you've been staring at the same 8 lines for ages! so thats why i asked for a bit of advice!

Kevie192

Cute smiles, what are they made from?

Also, this line should be:

"So when you're down and your day's gone wrong,"

HTH

punkpink

Kevie192 wrote: »

Cute smiles, what are they made from?

Also, this line should be:

"So when you're down and your day's gone wrong,"

HTH

Thanks for that, i did have that on the piece of paper i was scribbling on, but in my rush to post, my grammer went out of the window lol!

And they are white chocolate buttons stuck together with melted milk choc buttons, then i dabbed eyes on using the melted choc and dipped them in black glitter (edible of course) then made a little smile with melted choc too! HTH