Stay at Home Mum - Pros & Cons

silverliningmummy

Hi,

I'm new to the site and just looking to get some advice really.
I currently work part time (27.5 hours a week) although I end up taking a lot of work home with me so do a lot more than I should.

I have one child already who goes to a childminder 4 days a week. I am pregnant and due in early 2012 with my second.

I really, really don't like my job. I have recently been treated for mild depression and anxiety because of my job and I can feel myself starting to get bad again because things have been slipping.

I have been looking for other jobs for a while but with the second baby due, I cannot change jobs now due to complications with the maternity rights etc.

What I am thinking about doing is not going back to work after my maternity leave ends and being a stay at home mum. I miss my first child so when she is with the childminder and I get quite jealous when they are doing things like feeding the ducks or having indoor picnics because it rained. I really feel like it should be me doing all that. Plus as well, my mum always had to work more than one job as she was a single mum and we both feel like we never spent any quality time together and that we really missed out.

My husband doesn't want me to go back to my job as he hates seeing me get so stressed out and for the miniscule wage that I'm on, it really isn't worth it.

If I went back to work I would be left with practically nothing once we paid out for childcare costs.

My dream is to be at home with my children, keep a nice home for my family and have a meal ready for everyone to sit down to at the end of the day. I know it sounds very old fashioned, but I just want a simple life. Obviously, the draw back to this is I do still need to earn some money from somewhere and I refuse to claim benefits.

If anyone has any advice on the pros and cons of being a stay at home and ideas on how I can bring some money in whilst being at home, it would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Laura

InsideInsurance

The biggest con can be the lack of adult contact you can have but a lot of that will depend on the size and makeup of your friends & family network.

There was a lass at work several years ago who had quit her job to be a stay at home mum because she hated the work pressure but particularly after her kids were going to pre-school she found she was just sat in the house for half the time on her own and started to get depression and basically a little stir crazy hence her deciding it was a bit of "better the devil you know" and returning to work

t0rt0ise

I was a stay at home mother until my youngest started school and then I got a job running a playgroup and later as a classroom assistant. This worked out well for me. The big drawback was that I was never able to get very far with a career. Had I stayed at work I'd have got promotion and been successful in the work sense. However, I don't regret my choice as I enjoyed being with the children when they were very young and during the school holidays later.

soccermom

It sounds to me like you have already answered your own question. I was a stay at home mum and loved every minute of it. Now my kids are older and at the age of 43 I have a new career working for the ambulance service, its never to late to go back to work but if you feel you are missing out now you wont ever get that time back that you lose with your kids.

A couple of mums I know volunteered at the children's school and they put them through their qualifications as a classroom assistant and now have full time term time only jobs.

If work makes you that miserable you now have a perfect chance and with help of hubby to do something that will make you happy.



Good luck with your decision

LondonDiva

If you are already prone to depression, you also need to consider the potential ramifications of staying home. You're already working part time at present and working can give a sense of structure (getting up at xxx, having to make an effort in terms of appearance and communication and outside contact)

A lot of working mothers can romanticise staying at home, but forget that it can be isolating in itself.

Whatever you do, a strong support network would be invaluable.

silverliningmummy

Thanks for everyone's thoughts so far.

I'm very lucky where I live as there are lots of sure start centres with free activities running all the time which me and my daughter would take part in quite a lot before I returned to work.

I would want to get involved in these again for two reasons:

1) It gets me out of the house and meeting other mums
2) It gets my kids interacting with other children

I've a lot of friends who have children and they all work at different times so I'll be making sure that we have plenty of interaction.

My main concern is still earning some money. One of my friends goes to car boot sales to buy things and sells them ebay so I was thinking about doing a bit of that. I was also thinking about doing mobile spray tans as a couple of people I know have had cancer scares so do not go on sunny holidays but like to have tans. They don't like applying themselves but also cannot afford to pay salon prices so I was thinking about doing a couple of evenings a week from home or going to their houses.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want to make sure that we can afford to pay the mortgage and put food on the table. Obvisouly, if someone was to offer me a million though, I certainly wouldn't refuse!!!!

dandelionclock30

What about childminding as well as having your own? I think you have to register with the local authority and then go on some courses now.You can get wellpaid for this as well as being able to take them to all the playgroups and surestarts!
I tell you what would bring the money in,having your own dungeon and being a dominatrix, my friend did this and made money hand over fist! she earned about £100 per hour and it was all role play, she wasnt a working girl. She also did complementary therapies and put the other clients through the buisness this way.

LL30

Can you make anything? I've just started a little business making personalised gifts and it's off to a flying start (plus it's stopping me from going stir crazy!) I absolutely love working, I have a part time job (childcare issues, full time not currently an option, so SE work is fab!) I adore my daughter, but I crave adult conversation, creativity and using my brain - I also think it's important for me to maintain my interests as there will come a day when my lo isn't so lo any more (don't want to be the 'interfering mother with no life of her own'). What are your interests? (Sorry if I've missed it!)

jfh7gwa

You've already gone over some of the benefits, so I'll just clarify a few of the downsides which you might not have considered:

- Lack of adult interaction, already mentioned by other posters

- Lack of being a "provider" role model for your children (my SAHM was never appreciated by us as kids, I always made up that she did something amazing when i was asked as a child - i think one term i even told the teacher my mum was a lawyer or something )

- Lack of national insurance contributionsin your name (with regard to qualifying years for the state pension, and any benefits/tax credits implications in the shorter-medium term)

- Lack of pension contributions in your name unless you set up a private one and pay some of your husband's salary into it

- Lack of career options / burning bridges in your industry if things move on (e.g. in roles where the job moves on quickly)

- Pressure on your husband to be the main breadwinner

- Your husband may become out of touch with what's going on from a day to day basis with the kids (example: my husband's mum had to go into hospital when he was a child, his dad was totally unable to cope with looking after his own son for the week, even though my MIL had stocked up on freezer meals for them, and left instructions about how to do breakfast, when a dentist appointment was... they laugh about it now because it's 20 years later, but basically his dad was so far removed from brining up his own kids that he offloaded the little ones onto the female next door for a week... it's a bit extreme but definitely a danger when there's a clear SAHP/breadwinner split)

- Lack of flexibility regarding labour specialisation... i.e. if your husband gets a new boss that starts bullying him, he has no flexibility or power to ditch his job whilst you up your hours to cover the income gap... the same for if he becomes ill, is involved in an accident, or dies (again, do not think "this will never happen to me")

- Potential power imbalance in the relationship (don't scoff at this, it's a cycle i've seen repeated with friends - for some reason perfectly capable men have turned into total idiots - my best friend has ended up as a total skivvy to her husband because of some very strange assumptions by her husband now that she's a SAHP, such as that he no longer has to pick up his clothes from the bathroom floor and put them into the clothes basket... very interesting from an outsider's point of view to see this "dynamic" change)

Of course, many of the drawbacks above can be mitigated against or eliminated completely (e.g. private pension in your name, chatting with your husband about what both of your expectations are for your roles, taking out income protection insurance, perhaps doing odd bits of freelance work to keep your "toes in")... but it should be food for thought.

Hope that's helpful!

As you can see, with us, we also sat down and (literally) wrote up a list of +tives and -tives. In the end it was my husband that became the SAHP, then after a couple of years we were able to manage it that we both went part time (him 4 days a week, me 3 days a week) which worked quite well. And until very recently i've been the SAHM for the last 4 years. So a lot of chop and change in the last 11 or 12 years, really - involving being quite lucky with employers which not everyone can engineer - but it seems to have worked well for us... i honestly think COMMUNICATION is the key here whether a particular setup will work for each couple..

liz-paul

Hi I am probably going to say the same as everyone else!
I love being a stay at home and it is also what my husband wants. But it is not all roses

Pros (for us): I am able to have a lot of control over what my kids are doing and I get to see them learning, playing & growing.
Because I do most of the housework during the week it frees up more family time at the weekends.
I can keep my husband informed of what the kids have been doing.

Cons (again this is personal to us): it can be really boring & lonely sometimes. It is not especially stimulating in many ways!
Other people often don't have any respect for what you do (important if you value other peoples opinions).
if you have a career (as opposed to a job) then taking this break almost certainly will set you back in that career.

Being a stay at home doesn't suit everyone but it can be soooo rewarding. Also if you try it and it doesn't work out you can always go back to work. On the other hand if in 5 yrs you look back and wish you'd stayed at home you can't get that back.

Re your career: I never had much of a career before I had kids but I am currently re training in childcare and working part time (my kids are 5 & 2). As your kids grow older you can re train part time while they are at school and/or go back to work.

I'm sure this doesn't help but just bear in mind that you can always go back to work if being a SAHM doesn't work out for. Just don't beat yourself up over your decisions Good luck!

claire80

Hi , I have been a SAHM full time since 2007 .

Pros:

you are able to spend time with your kids while they are small and not miss out on any milestones.

you can attend all the school type things , assemblies , harvest festivals etc

you can go to toddler groups , swimming sessions , soft play etc when it is quieter during school hours

Cons :

It can sometimes be hard to get motivated , it is easy to say we are having a tv / dvd day today and end up doing !!!!!! all day.

everyone thinks you have an easy job and repeatedly tells it to you

you can't have a conversation that doesn't involve poo , mickey mouse club house or fireman sam (this possibly is just in our house haha )


There are loads more but i would not swap being a sahm for the world, I will however go to work part time once they are all in school.
The worse bits for me are hubby saying..it's alright for you you get to stay at home all day - I would like to see him do it longer than a week lol . The best bits is obviously being with all my babies and not missing anything , knowing what they are doing at school / preschool etc .
As for money aspect , I do a few jobs online that get me a bit of money so that i am contributing to the household (even though it isnt much )

Good luckwith what you decide