OT post natal depression

itsarichmansworld

I've posted this over in the marriage board but I thought my lovely dfw friends may be able to help?



"A friend of mine is at his wits end and really needs help I dont have any experience in dealing with this is issue so if you could be so kind any advice suggestions more than welcome.

My friends wife is suffering from post natal depression and wont get help.My friend has asked her to go to the GP but she will not admit to anyone what she is suffering. apart from her hubby.
She says her son was the biggest mistake of her life and that she cannot and will not love him. I know these are basic signs of pnd but can anyone help been in a similar situation?"

Thanks

Taloola78

Tell your friend that he needs to support her, and not take it too heart if she say's mean or nasty things. She is ill.
I myself suffered from PND and at some points didnt want to see or speak to anyone, and the more my family tired to help the more resentful I got as I felt they were saying I was stupid and incapable.
He has to keep giving her love and reassurance and also try and get her to speak to her doctor, health visitor. They may even have alreay noticed that she has symptoms.
Sorry i couldnt help much, but wanted you to know I was thinking of them as it is such a strange illness and is often dismissed by some as a fake illness.
It is very real and those that have suffered know they have, I missed the best year of my childs life thanks to it.

denton6

Hi i also suffered from pnd, i dont think there is alot he can do to help at the moment until she realises herself that things arnt right.Just show her lots of love and support and help take the little one so she can have some time to herself.It does get better but it can be a uphill struggle.I wouldnt have got through it without the love and support of my family.

newleaf07

Well said Taloola78.
I too also lost the first year of my childs life and also nearly my marriage as I wouldnt admin to PND. It is a very real illness as Taloola says. I didnt realise I had it, until my MIL said something after I had a public breakdown at a family party!!!:eek:
Please tell you friend to stand by his wife and encourage her to visit the health visitor I am sure they would have already noticed the signs. If your friend feels he needs support to contact the GP as men can suffer too.
You friend needs to be supportive and patience as eventually his wife will realise what she has got (her child) and get over the PND. It can take some time, and the overwhelming tiredness being a new parent doenst help. I took ST Johns Wart and felt that really helped. Getting out and about to mother & baby/toddler groups will help as she will realise she is not alone as PND is more common than people think as noone wants to admit and feel a failure. I hope that things can be worked through with your friends.

moonlightpjs

Oh, the poor darling - I felt exactly the same and it went on for ages until I really thought I did need to see a GP - my DH had been on at me for ages but I didn't think there was a problem - or I didn't want to admit it more like!!!! That was 7 years ago and I have just had another baby and recognised the signs so saw my GP straight away.

It's a real terrible feeling and you feel so alone, she really needs to se her GP but I think pushing her will send her in the wrong directon IYKWIM. Easier said than done I know, her OH must be worried sick all he can do really is just gentle words, lots of cuddles, lots of support, some time on her own, a break from the baby etc etc. And when she is feeling calm and a bit rational maybe approach the GP route in a gentle way and offer to go with her, don't push as that will make her back off even more. The one thing that kind of worked for me was when my hubby said he wasn't going to bath the baby anymore so I had to do it!!! It certainly made me feel different about our son but its just trail and error I'm afraid, what works for some doesn't for others.

Eventually she will fall in love with her baby but until then she just needs all the support she can get and to know that she is not alone, 1000's of women suffer from this horrible illness and its the worst thing in the world for her to think she does not love her baby, she does really, its just the illness.

Would the GP come out to see her, ie: could her hubby call up and ask to speak to a GP and ask them to make a home visit without her knowing, I know that sound underhand and she might hate him for doing it at first but in the long term she would understand.

Can she talk to her Health Visitor? How old is the baby? If she still sees her HV it might be worth having a word with her - some of them can be very helpful.

The longer it goes on the more difficult it will be and more tension it will create. She needs to understand that she isn't at fault and she is not a bad Mummy, she just needs a bit of help, just like somebody suffering from a difefrent kind of illness - its no different.

If she will come on here, or her hubby, please feel free to PM me as I know how bad you can feel, and you can't understand why you "hate" your baby. It's horrible.

Anyway sending you, the lovely lady and her hubby all my love and best wishes and I will reply to any PM's if she/hubby needs to talk. Good luck.

itsarichmansworld

Thanks guys some really great advice as usual!

I will pass this on and let you know what happening

:grouphug:

earthmother

Is this her first baby? - I know it hit me hard with my eldest.

At the time I didn't realise it was PND - I have a slightly depressive nature anyway (suffer from SAD), and there were other issues going on in that first year which increased stress levels, so I think the whole family just put it down to that (I'm great at the brave face in public routine which didn't do me any favours).

After having had my second son 2.5 years later, and feeling so differently about him, and in myself, I realised what I had suffered - after all, looking back, spending days on end literally buried under a quilt doing virtually nothing, and bursting into tears at the silliest things (just two examples), wasn't normal, lol.


I can only echo what others have said - support her, be there for her, but don't push too hard - she will either come through it of her own accord (looking back I think it took about a year for me to be 'normal' again and to be able to bond properly), or she'll reach a point where she can admit she needs help.


Just another note - once she is through this, she needs to understand that she won't necessarily suffer from it again, especially if she can prepare herself.

As I said, although not totally clear, I felt far better with my second son - I think because I was prepared for the 'baby blues' that kick in during that first week.
With my third (now almost 11 months old), because I was now aware of the possibility of PND and recognised my warning signs, I made sure I took time to 'regroup' if I started feeling a bit stressed (as all mums with tiny babies do), and accepted more help, and I can honestly say I have been totally clear.

Karrie

I too suffered from PND and refused to recognise it. I didn't want to admit that I had this illness and it eventually ruined my relationship. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to drive my car into a tree. Luckily my health visitor became a friend and she eventually persuaded me to seek medication and I had counselling which helped me understand why I was feeling depressed. We are all different and all I can suggest is that she has the full support from her partner and family. Reading books about the illness is a great way to understand what is happening. I hope with support she will realise that she is ill and she should sheek medical advise as soon as possible. My ex-partner suffered greatly through this illness and I will always feel guilty that I didn't get help sooner than I did but that's the way the illness works I'm afraid. The earlier it is treated the better. Maybe her partner could have a word with a Health Visitor.

On a brighter note, my son is a wonderful happy child and he did not suffer from the effects of my illness in any way.

Good luck, you can and will come through this with her. Please let us know how you are getting on.

itsarichmansworld

Ladies thank you all your stories are making me feel better already.

I will pass on all the info you have all so kindly given.

I feel very helpless as I dont have kids so I have no understanding of this illness but you have opened my eyes.

Thank you all x

dawnybabes

Aw poor sweetheart - I also had it - our little boy took 10 years to get here and a few cycles of IVF/ICSI but I was ready to take him back to the clinic when he was 6 weeks old and I could not see a down side to this. After all I didn't want him and all those people at the clinic still wanted a baby - sorted - what was the problem !!!

Only realised I had a problem when I went next door and asked if she would look after him whilst I went ofr my 6 week check up and she asked me if I was OK ... such simple words ... I burst into tears and could not stop crying - in fact I cried for 2 weeks almost non stop. Hubby was phoned and came home from work, mum was phoned and fetched. Mum moved in for 2 weeks so I could have a break and only then could I see that I had a problem. Stupidly I didn't go to the docs as I could get through this - well I did but it took a lot longer. I started getting better when I started getting out of the house - even if just to the clinic - and saw other mums (ignore the ones with "perfect" babies - they will just drag you down) make friends with the ones whose little ones keep them awake at night. You can compare notes and when you realise its not just you its not so bad.

HTH

Dawn

LavenderLily_2

I think the greatest fear that women with pnd often have is that if they admit to a professional how they are feeling, they will have their child taken from them. This of course just will not happen! Unless you are actually harming your child then no-one will take your child just because you're suffering from a highly treatable illness. I've had pnd myself and my best friend has had it too. We both have children who are now nearly 2 years old. My doctor prescribed me with antidepressants which I really didn't want to take to start with but when my husband pointed out that I have no problems taking my medicine to control my asthma, I realised I was worrying about the stigma attached to antidepressants and that was silly. My friend is having counselling too.

I am now well and happy and I love my son to bits. It's a hard job being a mummy but I wouldn't swap it for the world!

Your friend's wife needs to know that she is not bad or evil and that she will get better if she accepts help. It's a common illness and she shouldn't feel ashamed.