Fiance has head in sand about debt

nanoshka

Hi all,

Although I've been using advice on site for a few years this is my first time posting. I really don't know what to do....


I first got together with my fiance about 2 years ago. I moved into his rented flat with him. Before doing so we had talked about finances and he told me he had about 8K of debt. I had about 3K myself on credit cards, which I was in a constant cycle of paying off and then rebuilding debt.He said he was paying his debt off. As he earnt more than me he didn't want me to pay towards household bills. I refused and we worked out deal where I paid half of rent and for household groceries and he paid everything else. I began to pay off my debts and cutting back on my spending. He would take me out for dinner alot and bought me expensive gifts for christmas and birthday. This was despite me telling him not to if he couldnt afford to. He said he could and as he earnt more than me I believed him. He has never paid a bill late or anything like that and is very generous to the people he cares about.

We decided to buy a house together and got engaged. He had lost all the equity he had from owning his own home due to breaking up with his previous girlfriend. I had equity in a house I jointly owned with a family member. They bought me out so we had money for a deposit. I fell pregnant before we could move. While completing paperwork for the house I discovered that his debt was 12K where as mine had not only dropped to 0 but I now have savings. I challenged him on his amount of debt and spending habits and he just denied there was a problem and said he was paying them off. He pays just above minimum payment each month. I have never wanted to nag him about his things and he told me not to worry and he would sort things out. I left it then but have subsequently bought it up again and finally got out of him that with his car loan credit cards, store cards etc it is actually about 15k he owes. We have now moved into our new home and the baby is due in a month. But his spending still continues.

He works 40-70hrs a week depending on overtime and is always doing stuff around the home, even more so since I've been expecting. Most of this debt was built up with his ex and theres no way I'm paying them off. He says he cant afford to pay more than he already does but wont even look at his spending habits. I can see where he is going wrong with finances now.... spending beyond his means (a fortune each day on food/snacks/drinks at work plus cigarettes. Plus always having to have latest book/CD/DVD/ computer game) I got myself in debt in a similar way so find it hard to pull him up on it. Like I'm criticising him for something I did myself. Plus my not spending is still a battle with myself. I don't want to be dragged back into it. He is very generous with his family paying half of his retired parents car payment for them. They dont know about his debt and he'd be mortified if they did.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can get him to see that he needs to change how he spends. I've already told him we wont be getting married until he has cleared debts and we can pay for wedding outright. With the baby so close to being born its really stressing me out.

Thanks

moneywolf

If he does not address his debt now & stop spending, 1 year down the line the debts will sink him.

If the thought of leaving his new family homeless when he can't pay his bills any more due to the interest being too much on the debt, he is irresponsible.

He needs to wake up & smell the coffee !

VJW87

I am in a slightly similar situation however I've only discovered the debts after marriage (a whole two weeks in and he drops the bombshell!). I'm now doing everything I can to reduce the debt (whats his is mine and all) but haven't seen any great big push towards saving from my DH.

I sat him down and explained he was living out-with his needs to the point that the only real physical credit he had in September was £16!

We are in the lucky position that our debts can be considered 'wedding' debts although they aren't really. Some may say I'm crazy for helping him out with this but hey, I love him and I'm thinking about our future.


As for advice, you seem to have pretty much laid down the law of what you want! I've been spending a lot of time on this website and there are some interesting challenges that maybe you could try and talk your partner in to? We're also trying to do the 'DVDs we realistically wont watch again are going to be sold on Amazon' game that I created...

Wishing you, the baby and your partner all the best x

Niv

It may be worth getting him to fill in an SOA. He will then see in black and white where his expenses lie and it may make him wake up and realise that it is not sustainable.

Good luck, if he man's up and faces this I am sure with your help it will get sorted.

Niv

LetThereBeCupcakes

OP, I could have written your post myself. I know my OH is in considerable debt, and it’s impossible to talk to him about it. Every time I’ve tried he clams up completely. He looks at the floor and refuses to say anything. If we lived in the beach I think he would literally bury his head in the sand. He is self-employed and I know he’s got no money to pay the tax bill that will inevitably arrive soon.

We’ve been living together for 4 years and I know it’s awful, but I’ve recently cut him off financially. I’ve taken his card and chequebook for our joint account. He doesn’t have the password to access the account online. I worked out half of all of the bills that are joint (mortgage, utilities etc). Anything that is specific to one person (e.g. car insurance, mobile phone) has been transferred to that person’s personal account.

I think if he is genuinely not going to address his spending, you have to protect yourself, for the sake of your baby. Keep your savings – you may need them.

Is there any chance you could do a “gently-gently” approach with him? So suggest one thing at a time. For example, my OH spent a fortune on DVDs. I suggested we join Love Film. We have the £9.99 a month package – neither of us have bought a DVD since. Can you take control of anything else?

I feel for you, I really do. Best of luck.

lilac_lady

You're right not to marry while he is making no effort to change his finances. Keep saving and don't pay his debt. Separate your finances as much as possible. You will need to put the baby first now.

nanoshka

Thanks for your advice and suggestions. Sorry that some of you are in a similar position. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Hope you are able to resolve things yourselves. Its not easy motivating someone else! I think I'm going to go for a gentle approach for now and see how that pans out. I just hope he sees how easily debt can spiral out if control and make the changes he needs to. I know me bailing him out won't help in the long term. We pay all our bills from joint account and rest of finances are separate. So all my savings will go towards the baby!!

Thanks again
Nano x

January20

I really am not sure you can change somebody -gentle approach or not- unless they want to change. He needs to realise what he is doing and have his LBM, and for that he may need to hit rock bottom first, so as others have said you have to protect yourself by remaining unmarried to him, not paying his debt and making sure you have savings for you and the baby. My ex was really bad with money when we were married. I used to have to tell him lies about how much I had in my account because he would put the guilt trip on me otherwise. With his next wife, he accumulated thousands (5 figures!) worth of debt. I am glad to be out of it because that situation I was living in with my child was really uncomfortable.

You said you moved to a new home. Did you buy a house together?
I'm not sure having a joint account is a good thing for you. If his credit record is shot, it will affect yours and what stops him from taking money out of the joint account, leaving it with no money for the bills or even seriously overdrawn? I know I'm looking at the worst case scenario here but you have to be careful, however much you love him!

dreamdreamer

Count me in as another that supports separate finances. For us it was because of MY debt and credit record (thankfully now paid off) but we find it so much simpler to separate out everything, I can honestly say we've never had an argument about money in nearly 4 years together. We don't even have a joint account for bills, OH has a standing order into my account that covers half of everything. We each pay our own mobiles, he pays his car finance, I pay my subscriptions etc. End of!

Presumably you will get SMP from your work? Is OH aware he will have to pick up most of the household bills when you're on SMP? Maybe when he realises how much of a struggle that's going to be with his debt repayments that'll wake him up a bit.

Best of luck with the baby, hope OH gets his act together for you both!