Daughter's first serious boyfriend.

stuart1266

My daughter has just turned 14 (in November last year) and she has started seeing a boy, who is 16. Now, I'm not overly bothered by this, as we know who is and he's a really nice lad and doesn't spend time hanging round street corners. He plays football and has responsibilty of coaching his teams under 9's. Daughter and said lad have split up a few times, but it's obvious she really likes him and he really likes her and from parents point of view, it's a nice relationship for her to start off on. I don't expect it to last forever.

However, my daughter has started mating around with the friends of her cousin, who is also 16. These lads are a bit more 'streetwise' (we've heard stories from cousins parents) and her cousin has said that one of them 'likes' my daughter. I'm a bit uneasy with this, as she likes one of the lads too. She wouldn't 2 time her current boyfriend, that i'm sure of, but these lads are not really the kind I want her going out with.

I've discussed it with her and as a typical teenager, she told me it's not really my business.

How should I deal with this?

Gabriel-Ernest

Mel Gibson said it best:

When my daughter starts dating, I'm just going to kill the first one as a warning to the rest.

I have no direct experience of teenagers, and unfortunately it's different for girls, but there has to come a point where you let them make their own mistakes; not saying that time is NOW with your 14-year-old, but I suspect that the more you show your displeasure, the more she'll do it. With a bit of luck, nothing will happen and she'll move onto a different group of friends. But I do understand your concern; is it primarily of a sexual nature regarding her vulnerability? Or is there worry about crime, drinking, drugs etc?

stuart1266

Gabriel-Ernest wrote:

Mel Gibson said it best:

When my daughter starts dating, I'm just going to kill the first one as a warning to the rest.

I have no direct experience of teenagers, and unfortunately it's different for girls, but there has to come a point where you let them make their own mistakes; not saying that time is NOW with your 14-year-old, but I suspect that the more you show your displeasure, the more she'll do it. With a bit of luck, nothing will happen and she'll move onto a different group of friends. But I do understand your concern; is it primarily of a sexual nature regarding her vulnerability? Or is there worry about crime, drinking, drugs etc?

I don't think she would do anything of a sexual nature at the moment, but I'm not daft enough to think she won't. That is part of growing up. She's had the discussion about protection and what a big thing it is to have sex and not just an urge.

My concern is what these lads get up to. I think the concern is about crime and drugs more than anything. She had a run in with the police about a year ago. She was out with some friends and 'a friend of a friend' threw a stone at a car and they all scarpered, but the woman got out the car and caught my daughter. Although she didn't do it, she was shaken up by it and left that set of friends. Hopefully that experience is still with her and it might play on her mind if she is with these lads.

It's not easy being a dad!

Gabriel-Ernest

Well I wish you all the best - certainly can't be easy; you can only do the best that you can do as a parent, and if they go off the rails, it doesn't mean you've failed. We never had kids, and cats don't get ASBOs (although a couple of ours certainly deserve it).

fluffyscruffy

Hi Stuart
my 14 yo girl has 16 yo boyf, I wasnt happy at first but the more I show my displeasure, the more attractive he seeed to become!
You say these lads are not the kind that you want her hanging around with. Problem is, she is telling you its her choice and not yours(which is what my dd did to me!) In my humble opinion, the more you dont want them to do something, the more they seem to want to do it and they will find a way, I know I did.
Like you said, hopefully the last experience where they all scarpered and let her take the flack for the last incident will still be on her mind and from experience, she wont be so trusting of them in future.
Good luck

angeldeelite

speaking from experience (my dad had to bring me up on his own when my mum passed away when i was 11), you need to let her learn for herself.

i wasn't exactly perfectly behaved when i was 15/16 but my dad let me have my freedom (to a certain extent) and if anything concerned him, he would bring it up but rather than say don't do it, he would just say be careful.

for that, i have a great relationship with my dad, and although i was never perfect i tried my hardest not to upset him because i had so much respect for him.

frivolous_fay

Someone I'm close to is seeing a man almost 20 years older than her. He has a daughter from a previous relationship.

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the more I hear about the way he treats her, the less I like the sound of him. He doesn't want any more children, so on paper, there's no future in it.

What worries me is that she seems to expect to be treated badly, and even though she's being publicly humiliated by him, she puts up with it. I've hoped for a while now that it will all end, and that the best I can do is wait for it to happen then be there for her... but if she accepts that his behaviour is OK, what on earth will it take to trigger a break-up?

black-saturn

As long as she knows about contraception and knows what the consequences could be if she doesn't use it I can't see what else you can do. Always make sure you know where she is and that she can contact you whenever she needs to. If you stop her from doing something she will only do it all the more and behind your back. Take it from someone with past experience.

black-saturn

frivolous_fay wrote:

but if she accepts that his behaviour is OK, what on earth will it take to trigger a break-up?

She will have a sudden lightbulb moment like I did.

frivolous_fay

black-saturn wrote:

She will have a sudden lightbulb moment like I did.

I'm counting the days...

System

but if she accepts that his behaviour is OK, what on earth will it take to trigger a break-up?

Nothing ANYONE can do to trigger a break up - it has to come from the person him/herself.