Coming to the end of my rope

*Vikki*

flippin36

Its a bit worrying that you are putting someone elses debt onto your credit card whether it be interest free or not. Its something I would never do. You really need to sit down and talk to them and tell them that you are not lending them anymore money and you need to work out a proper payment plan for them to repay you.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned you should put down some clear ground rules regarding money. I know the type! It will do him good to be said NO to - believe me if someone doesn't get him to take responsibility for his own finances then it will always end in tears (probably yours:()- He sounds childlike indeed!

My sister used to pressurise me for money to invest in her businesses. She would ring me everyday wanting an answer because I didn't have the confidence to say NO. In the end she arrange a large loan on my behalf from my dad - which I knew nothing about. We got it sorted in the end but I have no difficulty in using the NO word anymore. Some people need to be told straight. She was huffy for a while but alls well now and she doesn't ask me anymore.

I understand about your family and its hard to see your mum and dad struggle to pay their bills but you must look after yourself first, then help them by giving them advice - perhaps send them over here for help.

Hope all turns out well for you

turbo.jet

Cancel your credit card - you can still do this even though you have an outstanding balance. You can then just chip away at the balance until its gone without the ability to add more to it. This way, if anyone asks you to use it you can simply reply, without lying so your conscience is clear, that you can't as the card is cancelled.

Regarding your parents, that is a tough one and I don't envy you. All I can say is that it'd be more helpful to them in the long term if you helped them get on top of their debts like so many people using this forum are than bailing them out every so often. Bailing them out does not teach them to tackle the core problem.

You say £130k all on cards? Wow. I really feel for them. The water bill is the least of their problems. I'm going to hazard a guess that they've paid one credit card off with another and are in a spiral. It needs to be broken and quick. Have they had their own lightbulb moments yet?

stacey4415c

Without sounding blunt, you just have to be straight to the point. If you don't want to lend your boyfriend money; tell him. If he's worth sticking with he should understand. Don't make your life a misery for other people's happiness. Start doing what YOU want to do, and do it now.

x

*Vikki*

Just a quick reply as I only have a few moments left of my lunch. I really appreciate your comments and taken them all onboard I will reply properly later. Thank you

jellybean39

I agree tell them all to stop being so selfish.
If your parents have that much debt then there is something really wrong. After telling your bf how you feel about debt and money etc i cant believe he has the nerve to even ask you.
Dont feel bad for saying no because if you split i can guarantee you wouldnt get your money back and wouldnt have a leg to stand on.
Good luck but No is def the answer

podperson

Vikki,
I'm guessing you have a slight issue with saying no to people? It shouldn't matter that they know you have an interest free card (incidently I wouldn't have told them that in the first place!) it's your money and if you don't want to lend it to them then just say so.

Have you spoken to your bf about you not wanting to lend him money any more? Because it sounds a little bit from what you've said that (for an example) you got excited about the car as well, sounded like you were willing to get it with him and then went home and stewed about it while he is happily oblivious to anything being wrong. Say to him, that you've thought a bit harder about it and while it's a nice idea you don't want to get into debt for it.

The same with your parents, while I don't think a few favours like driving them to the airport are totally out of line when they are letting you live with them, I'm assuming for a lot less then you would be paying if you had your own house, then if they expect you to pay for things like the water bill then say no. If she says she doesn't have the money offer to sit down with her and go through her budget, what could they cut back, how could they get a bit of extra cash in. By refusing to keep bailing them out you're actually doing them a favour - as long they think, oh it doesn't matter if we're short we can just go ask Vikki for some money, then they're never going to have any reason to sort their finances out.

Basically they've got used to coming to you now, you need to put your foot down or you're going to be stuck in this cycle. I know it's easier said then done, so good luck with it x

savingholmes

Hi Vikki - tough for you at the moment I guess. I would be tempted to cancel the card and that way they can't try and get you to use it for them. I would also consider investing on coaching or counselling so that you find it easier to say no to people. I would definitely challenge them to sort out their debts and ring national debtline or CCCS but if they won't do that - I definitely wouldn't keep bailing them out. Instead I would start my escape fund and start regularly saving into that so you can get your own roof over your head.

With regard to your BF - it sounds like he will keep taking your money for as long as possible - I personally would step back and reevaluate why you are together. Does it feel comfortable - like home - do you like to be needed - what's going on here? From wht you've told us, his attitude to money seems like that you were brought up with - but if you look out how that turned out £130K of CC debt - that doesn't seem a particularly positive or healthy outcome.

I would as a minimum set down some ground rules. Review whether what your paying for your board and keep is fair and realistic - but then don't go over that. Look at how many visits to your BF you can afford and then do that cheerfully without thinking of the cost - if you are meant to be together... If you are finding yourself resenting that - I wonder whether its a sign that your instincts are saying there's something more wrong... Definitely talk to your BF about how you feel and your concerns about his approach to money.... You can't build a life together without communication....

Good luck - I can imagine you feel between a rock and a hard place - but better to make a stand now - than wait until you are in a mess financially

NeverAgain_2

Vikki,

You sound like a cracking lass, nice car, too.

You can do better for a boyfriend than this sponger.

DerryLane29

Hi vikki,
If I was you Id have to start telling porkie pies if you cant face being honest with them.

Can you not tell everyone your credit card company has either dropped your limit or closed your card off altogether??you could always hide it so he wont see it,if he thinks you dont have ready cash then maybe he will stop mithering and that goes for your family too.

Id have to be honest though but can understand why you cant say no to them,however definatly dont buy in to your boyfriends new car.

glasgowsaver2011

flippin36 wrote: »

Its a bit worrying that you are putting someone elses debt onto your credit card whether it be interest free or not. Its something I would never do. You really need to sit down and talk to them and tell them that you are not lending them anymore money and you need to work out a proper payment plan for them to repay you.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned you should put down some clear ground rules regarding money. I know the type! It will do him good to be said NO to - believe me if someone doesn't get him to take responsibility for his own finances then it will always end in tears (probably yours:()- He sounds childlike indeed!

My sister used to pressurise me for money to invest in her businesses. She would ring me everyday wanting an answer because I didn't have the confidence to say NO. In the end she arrange a large loan on my behalf from my dad - which I knew nothing about. We got it sorted in the end but I have no difficulty in using the NO word anymore. Some people need to be told straight. She was huffy for a while but alls well now and she doesn't ask me anymore.

I understand about your family and its hard to see your mum and dad struggle to pay their bills but you must look after yourself first, then help them by giving them advice - perhaps send them over here for help.

Hope all turns out well for you

Hope it all goes well for you.

However

I put an ex-partners (she was an ex partner at the time) debt - (FLM, Logbook Loan etc) on my credit card it was up to 12k, none of which was mine.

The person who owed me the money then took her own life due to money worries (she had other debt she never told me about)

Luckily her NHS death benefit paid out to me as nominee so that paid almost all the debt she left me.

That was a lesson though.

never lend an amount you cant afford to write off