Debt Free Wannabe Book - Help Needed!

Former_MSE_Sue

Hello everyone - I'm working on a chapter for the new book about how you go about telling your partner, friends, family etc about your debts.

I know there's lots of very moving stories on the boards from people explaining how they did it but as well as personal experiences we're also after some practical advice/tips/'golden rules' etc on actually what to say/how to say it etc

Your thoughts please on -
* Telling Your Partner
* Telling Your Children
* Telling Your Boss (if this is something you decide/need to do for whatever reason)

and also any advice/thoughts/rules on how to get round the tricky situation of say not being able to get a round in if the office crowd go down the pub on a Friday night or your friends suggest a night out etc and you can't afford to go.......

Thanks Sue

*zippy*

From reading the boards opinions on telling children is divided, mine are a bit older so we felt they needed to know why we were cutting back and life in the zippy household was changing dramatically. They didn't like it, especially my teenager as she has been spoilt, a few very tense weeks followed with tantrums and arguments, but once she realised we weren't going to back down and buy everything she asked for it did get easier.

Never had to tell my boss, but am very open about it to friends and family, but they don't know the actual figures. If someone mentions why I work a few jobs and I don't want them to know, I either say I am trying to pay my mortgage off, or "I know its alot, but I really enjoy it".

poorbutrich

I wonder if I could add my thoughts on telling your partner from the other side of the coin?

My boyfriend was always very secretive about banking, debts etc, even when we discussed moving in together. One day, he hinted that he was in debt, but wouldn't tell me how much. Then, when a better moment arose, I pressed him again, and he told me a figure, before later revealing a much higher figure. He then shifted debts around, got a 0 per cent and PAID THAT OFF FIRST!

My point is - if you're going to tell your partner, tell them the truth and discuss it with them, because 9 times out of ten, they want to help.

If I had known the extent of the problem earlier, I could have pointed him in the direction of this board, or at least done my bit to help instead of making his debts worse. The guilt I feel at not knowing and inviting him away for weekends etc is worse than how I felt when I found out.

Hope that makes sense!

*zippy*

I think the person in debt often thinks they have done a good job hiding it, but often their partner has guessed that something is wrong. I think you you have to tell it straight and the whole truth, I did see someone mention that doing it naked can help :rotfl:

mh1923

You can always say 'I can't drink for medical reasons'. Then when your finances are in order and you want to resume going out with the guys, you can always say that it was because of a prescription drug that you are no longer taking.

Former_MSE_Sue

thanks for these thoughts - anyone for any more?


* what about losing or gaining friends because of the situation?
* did coming clean about your debts prompt family or friends who you always assumed were 'rolling in it' to admit to debts?

Thanks Sue

moonlightpjs

At Christmas, whilst my husbands brother and his wife were delivereing presents (and collecting) them, we - in a round about sort of way - told them that next year we would only be buying for the children and it would be one present each. The look of relief on their faces were amazing and then it all came rushing out - they were in exactly the same position we were in and we had always thought they were well off, (they thought the same about us) always seemed to have the newest technology, clothes, gadgets etc but while at that time we had faced up to our problems, they hadn't and it was only through talking to us that they realised they had to tackle their debt problems head on.

It helps, not in an awful way to know that we are not the only ones and don't feel quite as bad as we did. As I've said before we wouldn't wish debt on anyone but its now such easier and we have somebody to talk to - though they can't match the good MSE's - we don't have to pretend anymore.

None of our parents know though, maybe that is the next hurdle to tackle!!!

D&DD

I think most people are mortified by the idea of telling anyone they are in debt.It's embarassing to admit to thats why this anonymous forum is such a help!!!! Its hard enough to let your partner know if they are not aware let alone anyone else.Parents are the worst as you feel you have let them down and worry it will make them ill worrying about you..What does surprise me on here is the amount of married/cohabiting couples who have seperate bank accounts,even though we have a seperate account each our main one is a joint a/c.I suppose this leads to some of the couples not knowing what is going on with the other halfs debts.
I suppose its harder on younger people with the friends thing as now we're 'old marrieds' we have no social life to lose anyway :rotfl:

Crown

I personally was horrified telling people I was in debt, Although now I take great pride in telling them of quest of Debt freeness.

Infact I reckon Ive become quite bore to people. lol

The hardest part was telling my family (mother and brother) who I pay most of the bills for. they were gutted at first then they were annoyed but they have come round.

After hiding it from them for months it was relief for everyone that it was in the open and we could "start a fresh".

Bottom line is make sure you dont keep it all to yourself. It nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown and I do not wish the depression I went through on anyone.

barnaby-bear

MSE_Sue wrote:

* Telling Your Boss (if this is something you decide/need to do for whatever

Somewhere there's a thread/post by a bloke in the navy (Lemny ?), there are some particular problems and legalities for people in forces/civil service with debt that can jeopadise their jobs, careers, homes (service accommodation).


There's also a girl who lost her job (car credit checking) because of her debt - they found out she didn't tell them - so being unemployed obviously caused her further problems...

loneranger

To my (grown up) kids I said, please be better with your finances than I am or you will end up in my situation(working just to pay debts and for survival) resulted in them not expecting financial help from me and being more carefull.
My mother being informed resulted in her to prefer the company of my more well off siblings and telling her best gossipy friend about it ,but what the heck, she always preferred them anyway.
I actually feel very sorry for all those crazy people rushing around clutching their credit cards and spending money they don't have and if they want to look down on me then so be it, I am happy. At the end of the day if someone wants to dis you because you have faced up to debt and deal with it then they are not worth worrying about,at least I know who my real friends are-- and that is priceless.