Step children question

Hadley1

Hi everyone,

Just a quick question if I may to those of you who that will become step parents on your marriage.

Do you ever feel frustrated? Not quite sure how to word the question, but let me set the scene a little.

My OH has 2 teenagers (one 13 and one who is 17 tomorrow). I get frustrated as to the way they especially the 17 wrap him around their little fingers, also that sometimes I feel abit shut out of their lives (ie. not told things sometimes). Also, I know that he takes some satisfaction for example when they don't want to see their mum almost point scoring.

That sounds so negative, but I don't mean it that way I love them all to bits. I just want to be a full member of the family not a wicked step mother when it suits them to play me as one.

dancing_in_the_rain

Hi Hadley

I think if this is the way you feel then you and your OH need to sit down and address the issue before you get married.

johannalf88

I think you do need to discuss this with ur H2B. Sit down with him and explain what is bothering you, and them both of you can decide whether to discuss with the children. TBH trying to wrap parents round the little finger is a normal teen thing! Succeeding is something different! Lol!
If you both agree it needs addressing I would arrange for a time when you can do something as a family and talk about then. Just say to them you don't want to be viewed as an evil stepmother, and would like to become part of their family. Because ultimately you are becoming their family too.

onelily

I agree with them. You really need to have a chat with as kids tend to behave like that , to any new member in the family especially step mom..u know how awful that sounds..As he is in a better position to talk it out with kids and you, as there is clearly a miscommunication gap.

Hadley1

Thanks everyone.

Please ignore my earlier question. I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself. Think it was just an off day with the kids yesterday... Must the time we are fine.

But thanks for the replies... you are all so right talking (though sometimes hard to do) does solve must issues.

Thanks again:)

martinthebandit

13 and 17? Good luck

And remember that there is nothing (usually) wrong with teenagers that a few years growing up doesn't cure

Miss_Bolan

Hi Hadley

I just wanted to say that you are not alone in worries regarding becoming 'step mum' - I will becoming step mum to an 8 and 4 year old when I am married (they are young now, but will be teenagers one day!). I get on fantastic with the kids, and they are so happy we are getting married, but there are still worries and 'frustration' (which is a very accurate description, its not unhappiness or anger or anything like that, it is hard to explain!).

I know exactly how you feel, and I am sure you speak to your partner a lot, I know I do, but sometimes it's therepeutic just to say something out loud (or typed!) to people outside of day to day life when we are having a bad day. There is no 'answer', and to be honest we don't really know what question we are asking, but sometimes it's just nice to know other people are feeling the same undefined thing!

As you have said, you probably just posted on an 'off' day with the kids. 99% of the time everything is fine. That's why this forum is so good, there is always someone who is feeling a similar thing who will understand hope your wedding planning is going well! x

Hadley1

:)Thanks so much Miss Bolan.

I think you summed up my feelings so well.

Best wishes with all of your wedding plans

sharpee

I'm am going to become Step mum to a 9 yr boy in Feb. He was 5 when my H2B and I got together. I feel very lucky that from our very 1st date (all 3 of us) he just accepted my and took it in his stride.

He's a very loving and caring boy and can't wait for us to get married. Even before his Dad proposed he kept going on about us getting married.

Now he's getting older he's getting a bit wiser. We're having problems of his Mum and her family saying not very nice things about H2B and me to him or in front of him.

We've had a chat with him and agree if we wre to say something about his mum (which we're very concious not to do in front of him) its kept between us and if his mum and her family say something about us he's not to tell us.

However he came to me the other morning quite upset asking if we were still keeping 'secrets' and not telling us things mummy had been saying about us. I said yes but he was quite upset. So I asked him why and he said mummy had said some very nasty things about me. I was quite curious but very good and said I didn't need to know and recited the old 'stick and stones may break my bones and words will never hurt me'.

Saying that I find it upsetting and he is now loosing his innocence and picking up on these things because I don't want him to get stuck in the middle of his parents who don't get on and the fact his mum doesn't like me.

I think its difficult being a step parent but I wouldn't change it for the world as Step son to be has been part of our relationship from day 1 and makes our relationship.

Step children and even your own children are always going to be hard work, especially in their teenage years! I thnk it just takes patience and understanding and always remember to talk about issues/ problems as they arise!