Yet another family dilemma - help!

Nyankochan_2

Urgh, don't know where to start with this. Background info maybe:

I have a tiny family on my Dad's side - really it's just him, he has no siblings so no cousins there. On Mom's side it's a big mess. She has two sisters and a brother who all have kids and grandkids, all of whom she's fallen out with. Oh, and my grandma, who I've never been close to and who Mom is also not speaking to. It's sad, but at least it makes things easy - none of them will be coming to the wedding.

The real difficulty is my half-brother. We've always had a polite but distant relationship (he is 9 years older than me and lived/grew up with his dad, not Mom and my family), and he has two adult daughters. TBH I don't have much respect for him as a person - he refused to have contact with his daughters for years, is a racist, a homophone and a heavy drinker. He is abusive to his (new, third) wife and resentful towards my Mom. But I was going to invite him and his family to my wedding anyway, because, well, he's my brother.

However, he and Mom had a massive falling out when she went to visit him a couple of months ago, he has a violent temper and he really lost it. She came home in a real state, not wanting to talk to him again. I'm disgusted with him for the way he treated her, and the way he's treating his wife. I don't want him around me on my wedding day, especially as he could easily blow up with Mom again when he's had a few drinks. But by not inviting him, our relationship might break down permanently, and his younger daughter will likely take his side and also not come (he's still estranged from his eldest).

In short, if I don't invite him, I would have no family except my parents at my wedding, and risk causing a permanent rift with the last few relatives I have contact with. But if I do invite him, he might cause a massive scene with my Mom, and I would have to watch him treating his poor wife like dirt all day.

What would you do?

PS. Before anyone points it out, yes, my Mom is really good at falling out with people:(

SUESMITH_2

do you know i think i wouldn't invite him.

if you invite him you will be worried all day that he might get argumentative. if your family choose him over you, well its no loss is it?

that sort of stress is the last thing you need on your big day.

good luck xxx

lollipop80

How awful for you, families can be hard at the best of times, seems so much worse when weddings are involved.

To be honest, I wouldn't consider inviting your brother. He sounds such a risk to have at a wedding, and even if he was behaved, you would constantly be worrying about what he was going to do next.

You do not sound like you really want him to be there either. In your post, you have mentioned several reasons not to invite him, but only one for inviting him. You really should not feel like you have to invite him. Maybe if you talk to him in advance so at least he knows why. If he chooses to fall out with you over it, then it his loss. If he cares he should support your decision, even if he isn't happy about it.

When is your wedding, is there any chance that your mum and brother may become friendlier before the wedding? May change things if they do. Does seem unlikely from your post, but stranger things have happened.

Best of luck with all your wedding plans x

juliedotcom

Your brother sounds like a toxic person, I think the best thing to do would be to not invite him. It's a tough call to make, especially with your already small family on that side, but not only is it your wedding day, where the last thing you want to do is be on edge incase anything kicks off, but think of all the other times you're going to feel like that if it carries on.

If your niece is a good person, she'll know the difference between right and wrong. If not, then it was maybe worth it.

I hope you're able to make the right decision for you.

Lizzieb151

Sorry I would have to agree, don't invite him. You would spend all day stressing about an agruemnt that may or may not flare up and put a dampener on your day.

I do sympathise as I also have a difficult family and am still working out who gets to come with our wedding only 2 1/2 weeks away!!

It's your day and you deserve to enjoy it

VfM4meplse

Another one who agrees, just stick to having your parents there, and concentrate on having a happy day. If you're challenged just say it was a very small do for your immediate family.

Nyankochan_2

Thanks for the replies guys, as you probably guessed I won't really consider it a great loss if he's not there, I just kind of dislike the idea of causing a lot of long-term resentment over the decision. There's a reasonably decent chance things would work out fine on the day if he and Mom just avoided each other, but I'm so unhappy with him at the moment for the way he's acting that I just don't want to see him at all, IYSWIM. His wife and step-daughter are also really nice and I'm kind of sad about them not being there on the day. But I guess it can't be helped.

marywooyeah

you're not causing any resentment y not inviting him - sounds like he's alienated himself by his despicable behaviour and you're preventing another incident.
people say you can't choose your family- I disagree - of course you can! you can choose not to deal or have contact with certain people, and I can understand why you are distant from your brother.