son in debt and doesn't care

JaxMax_2

You've done the right thing - and don't give in from now on. My poor mum was baling my 39 year old brother out for years, she's spent thousands clearing his debts, helping him buy cars, paying his fines, giving him money for his latest hair-brained 'business' schemes (which always fail because he doesn't actually want to work and therefore doesn't!). He had a fairly well paid job with bonuses and pension, and his own house - he packed the job in after less than a year because they brought in some new rules and regs which would stop him from nipping out for a few hours at a time, and then he sold his house. He has had opportunity after opportunity from our Uncle who has tried his best to get him set up in certain businesses, but as mentioned before, they always fail because he doesn't want to put the hours in - he now slags our uncle terribly blaming him for the lack of sucess he had with those businesses.

And now that he has no job (apart from his cash in hand doorman work which is the only thing he has managed to stick to for a few years) and nowhere to live, he's back at my mum's house causing havoc there. He pays her no money, even though he gets over £250 a week in his hand, he's broke a day or so after being paid and asks her for money all the time (which up until now she has been giving him), he eats all her food - she has to hide certain things to make sure she has something to eat in the evening or he'll eat it in the afternoon when she's out at work (she's 72 and STILL working part-time). He sleeps all day on her sofa, she has no privacy, he only gets up when it's time to go to the pub he 'works' at - and after everything she has done for him over the years, he throws it back in her face and accuses her of not 'supporting' him when he's going through a 'bad patch'!! :mad: Last time I saw him he was ranting and raving about how all she's ever done is "throw money at him" over the years and "tried to buy him" and that she's been a crappy mother - he had her in tears and when I pulled him up about it he said "so?". Our dad died when we were just kids and we've never wanted for anything in our lives - she's worked her guts out to make sure we never went without the important things and to hear him saying things like this almost drove me to GBH!!! She has now seen the light and, while he is still kipping on her sofa, eating her food and paying her no rent, she won't give him any more money and will not pay anymore of his fines/bills etc.

I'm telling you all this in the hope that you can sort your son out now and not have it going on another 20 years like my poor mum, it might be different if my brother actually appreciated what she has done for him, but he doesn't, he says it is all her fault (and my uncles!) - both of whom have tried their best to help him over the years, there's no gratitude there at all. Be strong and let him sort himself out - I wouldn't pay another penny out for him, he's old enough to look after himself and as long as you help him out he'll carry on letting you.

Good Luck.
Jax

LookingAhead

Hi there makelifeeasier.

I can't speak from any personal experience and I don't know any facts about credit ratings etc etc but I just wanted to post on here about something else.

I think at some point your son may well verbally lash out at you when he gets 'into trouble' re: his debts. Please prepare yourself for this.

He may well say things to try and make you feel guilty and plead with you to help him out again. You need to be strong.

He is an adult and he has brought this on himself and he cannot really believe that you have not tried to help him.

It's going to be tough for you if he does respond like this but you need to be strong because otherwise he'll see you as a soft touch for years and will never be a hard working person who wants to take on his responsibilities and deal with them like so many of us have to, and that would be awful.

I think you've done the right thing completely and hope you will return to us if and when you need any support to deal with any fall out that may come your way.

Take care.

LA xx

Hay_2

If you have no financial link eg.NOT a guarantor on any loans,HP agreements etc then you can request a disassociation on your credit file.I did this and the poor rated relative was removed and I had no further problems....I did order a copy of my report around 4 weeks after my request in writing to check and it was all done.Good Luck...and if it's any consolation I think you did totally the right thing.He may not think so now but in a few years he'll thank you for this x

make_life_easier

JayMax - hugs for your mum and yourself, it must be hard when you can see what's going on and how much it hurts you with being your mum on the recieving end.

LookingAhead - I am not at all frightened of him verbally abusing me, I can look after myself when it comes to being down trodden (had a lot of previous experience).

It's more of the guilt feelings I will struggle with, but I have convinced myself that I have done my duties and brought my son up by myself and he has had not such a bad childhood (even though I did struggle financially and had no income or support from his dad at all).

I hope that he will see things the way I do and start being more responsible and respectful towards me. I can't blame it on being a teenager now as he is 21????

make_life_easier

Anyway what am I doing worrying about this on a Saturday night?? I'm going to open a bottle of wine and watch Soapstar Superstars, that'll be a laugh - although I do quite enjoy it

Thanks for all the support I have had so far, I take on board all of your comment's as sometimes I can't see if I'm right or wrong, coz being a mum doe'snt alway mean that we are right (Ok then I am alway's right:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: )

Rachman_2

As others have no doubt said, you can detach your credit from his - even at the same address.

However, his car's now probably not insured, or won't be if he keeps missing payments. Make sure he knows that.

You can help them by being a safety net, but when they take it for granted, you have to let them fall at least once. If not for you, but for them.

I'd also be keeping a careful eye as to what comes in from financial institutions (without reading them, you can usually tell from the envelope) - if he is going to struggle with credit in his name, the last thing you want is credit taken out in someone else's..... (IYKWIM)......

Good luck and remember that bailing out is not always a good thing to be doing - sometimes doing the right thing hurts.... (as does watching Soapstar.....)

roswell

As he is your son he may be linked its not uncommon for parents / children / siblings to be linked, the best thing to do is get your credit reports from the 3 agencies and make sure you are not linked, if you are a basic letter advising that you and your son / hubby / siblings etc are financialy independant will get the link removed,

I must agree you cant bail him out he has to learn and if that means balifs at the door / IVA / insolvancy then that is what will need to happen its one of those lessons that if you dont keep up your responcibilities the control will be taken away from you and put in the hands of others.

patwa_2

Hi. I think whether or not you are linked or not linked also depends on the particular credit reference agency being used. I was looking into this to make sure my own financial affairs would not affect my mum's credit, one agency said it would, the other two said it would not.

What you can do is to write to each agency, and ask for a note to be placed on your file, disassociating yourself from any of the debt that is not in your name.

The thing is, and this again comes straight from the credit reference agencies, is that many systems that use credit checking do so automatically, and therefore the notes on the file are not actually 'read'. This is why often people are turned down for credit or services, only to phone up, have the matter looked into and then be accepted. Of course, those companies that actually look more deeply into the credit files rather than just doing a 'surface scan' will see the note and immediately take only your own credit state into account. But having the note on file also shows that you are being pro-active about protecting yourself against any problems, plus it puts a barrier between you and your son in terms of any financial connection that may bring consequences down on your side of the fence.

donny-gal

My son is 21 too (though not a problem), so I know how you much be feeling/hurting. He will soon have to learn that if he wants money, he'll have to work, and then have to handle what HE has done. I know what you had to do is probably hurting you more than him at the moment, but remain strong for his sake too.
:grouphug:

lynzpower

COuldnt you report him to the police for driving without insurance?