My life is a total mess

Kgypsey

This is probably going to be quite long so I am sorry about that but it is the only way I will be able to fully explain my situation. Here goes:

Back in 2002 my husbands ex wife was found guilty of severe neglect of my husbands son (who was 1 year old), it had been a long and stressful process involving the courts and Social Services, anyway in the end we were awarded full custody on the prevision lthe I stopped work. At the time it was just me and my hubby and we both worked full time, I earned more than my hubby as I worked for the Job centre. This was a massive blow but obvioulsy we had no choice, there was no way we would not have him.I left left and this ment we lost a significant part of our income, the next few years were horrendous, we got more and more into debt, we do not have any children together and at the time we got D we had to buy literally EVERYTHING, bed, clothes, nappies, toys, food for him etc etc, everything was piled on loans or credit cards as we did not have the disposable income.

Eventually the debt became too much so we entered an IVA, we follwed this for the correct amount of time but meantime we got back in debt again, we just could not manage. I was diagnosed with some serious illnesses and we found that D also has some significant disablilites. We have no help at all from the mother, she is on benefits and they will not take anything off her.

The years pass and the debts mount up again, D is at primary school and it seems that they are asking non stop for money for things (sales, trips, swimming lessons etc etc), everything is costing more and more. My hubby is still working full time but brings home less than £950 a month so I got 2 part time jobs (I am allowed to work no more than 15 hours), but we are in so much debt again that our outgoings are higher than our income. D gets DLA but this is needed to pay for specialist things for him so we cannot count it, I was getting DLA but that has just been completly stopped (they agree that I have problems but not quite bad enough), so in the space of a month we have lost our car (it was motobility) plus £250 income (one of my jobs finished too).

We have been on a DMP with Gemstone for a couple of years now and last month I resorted to putting us on another DMP with Debt Line. It just seems never ending. I dont want to be in debt like this all my life but I cant see how to get out. I dont drive so finding work is really difficult (I have Epilepsy as one of my illnesses), and I live in rural Gloucestershire so the bus service is not great. So now we have to pay all these debts, save for a car and still keep our family going.

I just dont know what to do to get it all to work

rising_from_the_ashes

Awww hunny bun, a big squashy hug from me - things have been tough for you, OH and D.

I'm surprised that you were the one who had to give up work, surely your OH should've been allowed to as a) you were the main breadwinner and b) he is D's father! The "system" is just nuts sometimes.

I'm sorry I can't offer and real practical advice (have you talked to the debt charities: like CCCS? It might be worth a try if not.

I also think schools have a lot to answer for - my big gripe (and I don't even have kids!) is that it's "expected" for kids to get presents for their teachers at Christmas & the end of session. Why? Teachers are paid to do a job - a card, yes but present!

I know some parents who really can't afford it and do without something else just to get something so their child isn't singled out as the "one who didn't get anything". One of my friends has 2 kids at primary and both are in classes with job-share teachers - this means 4 presents! Disgusting IMHO and should be stopped!


Someone else should be along with some advice shortly - it's hols time so may take a bit longer than usual.

Try to stay positive - things will get better.

topcat9

Hi Kgypsey,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds really difficult but I promise you there is always a solution with the help of the people on this site!

I'm not sure from what you said whether you are on 2 DMPs (thought you could only have one?) or whether you have moved from Gemstone to Debtline but just make sure you aren't paying for it. CCCS or Payplan will manage your DMP for free.

With regard to payments to school, I am a primary school teacher and it is a rule in all schools that a child cannot miss out on a school trip just because their carers can't afford it (don't be embarrassed about this, just have a quiet word with the headteacher or school secretary explaining your circumstances). I know things like school fetes, charity collections etc can be a bit more tricky but again, if the teacher knows of your circumstances, they will be sensitive to this. And no primary teacher expects to be given presents by their children!

I hope things work out for you in the long-term and wish you all the best.

Tebheag

Hi Sorry to hear about your situation, if the court have asked you to stop working to look after the child and you are only allowed to work a maximum of 15 hours does that mean you are the carer i do not know much about the benefit system but do know that people can be paid extra for being carers also you mention that the child has has a slight disability perhaps you could get some extra money for this have you posted an SOA for people to see where all the over spending is going as presume there is some I know you mentioned that you gave up your job but lots of people survive on one salary also as dad is only on around 14k presume you get wtc ctc etc
Good luck

dancingfairy

Hi - I too can't understand whether you have 1 or 2 dmp's. Either way I suggest you get in contact with the CCCS as they will help you for free.
What would be a good starting point is to fill out the SOA( statement of affairs) at makesenseofcards website and post it on here and people can give you suggestions - also CCCS will want to go through the budget with you so if you've had time to go through it all and make sure everything is included then that will help you.
With regards to the car you might want to reduce the dmp payment amounts for a few months to afford the car due to your circumstances - your dmp provider should be able to pass the message on to your creditors for you.
You really need to make sure that you are getting ALL the benefits you are entitled to - check the entitled to website or look for the benefit checker on this website.
You need to try and make sure your main expenditure ie housing, council tax, gas, electric, food etc is covered by your income an benefits as otherwise you will be building up more debt. With regards to paying the debts off they are secondary to keeping a roof over your heads and keeping yourselves fed and clothed and to have heating etc. What debts do you have? do you have any priority debts such as gas/electric, council tax or rent/mortgage arrears as these are the priority.
Credit cards, unsecured personal loans etc are way, way down the pile. If all you can afford towards these is 1 pound per month per debt then frankly that's all they can have for now whether they like it or not - they can through their toys out of their pram but it's tough as they can't have what you haven't got.
How much debt are we talking about? and do you own your own house? Given your limited means it seems like a DRO, or bankruptcy may be your best options but we need further details to advise you better.
I have a feeling that perhaps you have been almost trying too hard to keep up with the credit card payments/debt payments when given your limited income you should have been concentrating on your basic essentials first - gas/electric, rent/mortgage etc. Don't panic ,this is quite common but you need to take control back and focus on the essentials.
Do give the CCCS a ring as they will help you for free.
Best of Luck
df

ejc81

I was just wondering if you'd thought about challenging the fact that you're only allowed to work 15 hours? I could understand the courts reasoning in 2002 when the child was only 1...but now the child is 9? and in primary school full-time surely it should be ok for you to work more than 15 hours?

Also are you entitled to claim carers allowance if you are receiving DLA for him?

You definitely need to do a benefit check incase you're missing some kind of help somewhere

tallyhoh

the systems crazy. friends of mine took on two children & were advised by SS to stop work & look after them. What the hell for? in an ordinary family the parents work. My friend did challenge it & SS dropped the recommendation.

RAS

Hi

You really really need to speak to one of the debt charities. Is Debtline, National Debtline or a company that charges you?

You have full custody of your partner's son now and I would think that you should be allowed to work more hours if you want (although I realise that rural Gloucestershire may not be the easiest place to find extra work at the moment). Social Service probably have not even thoguht about the restrcition for years and it needs challenging.

I also think that whilst you and OH obviously want the best for your son, you both need to get a bit more realistic about how much you can afford to spend on him. Buying everything new when you are on a reduced income is the route to debt, as you have found out.

You need to get on e-bay, on www.freegle.co.uk and freecycle to reduce your outgoings. On the other side of the equation, you need to sell anything that he no longer uses. tghis may mean that picking stuff up and mailing stuff is your OH's extra job, but so be it.

yellowcrocus

Sorry you have had it so tough. Can you post an SOA? Then the very clever people on here can see if your expenditure can be reduced.

I second what Topcat said about school trips. I am a teacher in a very deprived area and usually roughly half of the children pay for trips. The rest are subsidised from school funds. Schools are only allowed to request a voluntary contribution. Have a word with your son's teacher, I am sure you would find them understanding.

Also, with regards to presents, not only do teachers not expect to be given presents but to be frank, often they would much rather you saved your money. There are only so many 'World's Best Teacher' keyrings one woman can use :rotfl:. Chocolates and wine on the other hand... Seriously, if you are worried about being singled out, a nice homemade card or something would be much appreciated, and wouldn't cost a penny.

gizmo111

tallyhoh wrote: »

the systems crazy. friends of mine took on two children & were advised by SS to stop work & look after them. What the hell for? in an ordinary family the parents work. My friend did challenge it & SS dropped the recommendation.

Because quite often the children need extra support and 1:1 attention to be able to ovwercome their expereinces - not always and I can't see it with a baby.
I am assuming OP that you have a residence order? has it actually got the 15 hour rule on it?