Helping other people to see the light

OneSpike

Hello. Nathaniel and I have a very good friend who is getting herself and her family on the slippery slope through incontinent spending - there's no way to dress it up, she just spends spends spends. She doesn't work, her husband does, and they have two children. Her husband can be a right git I have to say - one reason why she doesn't work is that he doesn't want anything getting in the way of his life, such as having to do the odd bit of child ferrying or cooking the odd supper ooh no, that's her job :mad: His attitude is infuriating and he's quite an odd man, things certainly aren't too jolly there, but our friend had a truly bizarre childhood and no-one's ever shown her much consideration, so I think selfishness is absolutely the norm for her, both in her own behaviour and in what she expects from others. She's not a mean grabbing nastily selfish person, but she's not used to partnership and support in her family relationships, if anyone has any idea what I'm going on about?!! She's used to just having to take what she wants as no-one's going to think about what might make her happy.

Anyway, we're honest with each other about our financial situations. She knows all about our debt, the amount, the steps we're taking to deal with it etc. Obviously we didn't get into that situation through being clever with our money (although it wasn't willy nilly spending that got us there either) so we're not in a position to preach to anyone, but we're both pretty alarmed at what we see happening to her and I would love to be able to shine that lightbulb in her eyes before she finds herself in our position. The thing that scares me most for her is that she isn't honest with her husband. She distracts him if he ever mutters about looking at the bank statements, hides purchases etc. It can't carry on like that without him discovering that the overdraft is increasing month on month and when he does find out he'll go berserk. He's not violent but he can be very nasty indeed, and I have to say that although nastiness isn't warranted, what she's doing is indefensible - I'd be cross too if I was her husband!

It's her spending habits that are at the root of it all. She spends because - I think - she's not generally happy and it satisfies something for her. She gets pleasure from the things she buys, whereas I'd be agonizing about the money! She buys clothes very similar to things she already has and boys endless bits and pieces - mainly online. She knows she shouldn't and laughs it off then tries to sell loads of stuff to make up for it. She always says 'it's for the overdraft', but when she gets the money she spends it again straight away, it never goes anywhere near the overdraft. Her kitchen is piled high with things that were on special offer - they could survive a nuclear winter with the contents of their cupboards! She doesn't see it though - if something's on offer then it's a good deal so she's saving money, right?? No matter that she already has enough tinned tomatoes/washing powder to sink a battleship.

I don't want to go on at her, but I do say from time to time that maybe she'll be okay without buying dishwasher tablets for a while (there isn't the cupboard space - she thinks it's because her cupboards are too small...) and she has started buying more proper ingredients and fewer ready meals, but that's a drop in the ocean. There's no openness in their family about the state of finances, no real desire to do anything sensible about it (work out a food budget, work out exactly what disposable income is each month etc) and no working together to sort things out. If I was her I would feel dreadful that my husband was doing a demanding professional job while I was just frittering the money away at home and not telling him. On top of all that their house needs a fair bit of work as it's old and falling to pieces, but yet she carries on wasting all this money.

I absolutely adore my friend, she's wonderful company and tremendously intelligent and very kind to us (she's not selfish in a mean petty little way, maybe I've used the wrong word!) but she's just hopeless in this regard. We're going food shopping together tomorrow to a large discount place near us (don't want to say too much in case she ever pops on here) and I know that if I said to her 'how much are you planning to spend/have you budgeted?' she'd laugh and say she'll just spend as much as necessary, and I know she will. She has no concept of denying herself something.

Sorry, I have well and truly droned on. What can you do for someone who you see gradually getting themselves into trouble? I can't tell her husband, that's definitely not my place and I don't want to get involved between them. I could sit down with her one day and get her to face the truth of her finances, but I think that might blow apart too much for her. She's had concerns about her mental health in the past due to her parents' experiences (her father really was not all there throughout her childhood, stark staring) and although she's a great friend I don't know her quite well enough to know how much reality she can handle before starting to unravel. As it is she's on Prozac.

If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks

Mrs_Sparkle

Um... maybe point her in the direction of this site? Other than that I don't see what else you can do. You can't have someone's lightbulb moment for them- they have to realise themselves. You're already doing the right thing by being there for her but you can't force her to see the light.

You've hit the nail on the head about her having other deeper issues which lie behind her overspending. This is pretty common I think!

mophead

mmmm this is quite a difficult one and to be totally hones there is nothing you can do but be there for her when she does have her light bulb moment.

I have been through this a few times with my mother who suffers with bi-polar (manic depression) when she has a manic episode she starts to spend quite eractially on the most bizare things infact that is what usually starts all our alarm bells ringing that she may be starting an episode. She has got herself into a right mess over the years and we as a family have bailed her out on many an occasion.

When it happens it's like watching a car crash in slow motion and just standing and watching. All we can do is pick up the pieces after. It really annnoys me how they continue to give her credit :mad: :mad:

Tustastic

OneSpike, all credit to you for being concerned about your friend, but don't let yourself be overwhelmed by the size of her financial problems because it won't do you or her any good at all. Sounds like there will be a terrible crash when her OH finally learns about their financial situation. He may not be a very pleasant person but I think you will have more chance of being welcome in their home and allowed to help if you work at staying on good terms with him. That's a practical way to help your friend.:)