Bridesmaid wanting to help but can't!

Birdie85

Hello again Ladies! I know that people normally moan about their bridesmaids not being involved enough but this time it is the other way around!

I'm a bridesmaid for my friend in less than 2 weeks (exciting!) but I'm getting a little fed up that however much I try to be there to support the bride she's not letting me. I have offered to come with her to every dress fitting, saying to text me with a time that she's setting off in the morning and I'll hot-foot it to hers to go with her and every time she's not bothered to contact me. The same goes for initial bridesmaid dress shopping, shoe shopping, hair trials etc. I've really tried to get involved because I know how it feels to want to have the people in the wedding to be interested and to share the excitement with you. The only time I was taken bridesmaid dress shopping was once she'd picked out the dresses and she needed to get me measured for mine. It has had some alterations and she kept sending me texts asking to go to her Mum's to try the dress on to check the length etc and when I'd reply asking what time to go round she'd ignore me; I got sick of it by Sunday so I sent her Mum a message saying that I wanted to go round but her daughter wasn't talking to me!

When she was planning her invites I offered over and over to help (I'm a card maker and scrapbooker, I made my wedding invitations as well as all of the extras so I know what I'm doing!) and she said that she'd sort out a day for me to come and help, next thing I know an invite lands in my letter box and she's complaining about how long they took her to finish! This has happened over and over, she mentions a project, I offer to help, she accepts then goes ahead without me complaining about how much she's got to do. I offered because I want to help, not to make a point or anything, I know that she's got a stressful job that doesn't leave her with a lot of spare time, I thought I was doing a nice thing by offering my time but she doesn't seem to care...

Now I'm getting worried about how I'm supposed to look on the day (not for my sake, but for hers IYKWIM, I'm fully aware that I am hers to dress up as she pleases for the day!), I'm doing my own make-up which is fine but when I asked her if she wants all the bridesmaids' make-up to match she shrugged, when I asked her about any colour preferences she shrugged... now I know that people will say that maybe she just doesn't care but she will, she's really picky and if we don't look perfect in her wedding photos she'll moan about it forever, as she has every right to, the wedding is costing a lot of money and she's been planning it for years, it has to be perfect. I asked about hair and she was pretty vague about us going to a hairdresser on the morning of the wedding, I asked if we were having a trial and she changed the subject, I asked how she wanted the bridesmaids hair and she just said 'Up, but not curly or in a bun because that'll look too similar to me'. I have really long thick hair whereas her other bridesmaids have shorter, finer hair, I have visions of the hairdresser looking at my mop and panicking because they don't know what to do with it in the time they've got!

I've got the Friday before the wedding off work and told her that I'll be available for any last minute jobs if I'm needed but I know that my phone won't ring all day but when I see her she'll complain about being so stressed because of everything she's had to do that day!

Has anyone else been in this position? I feel like a bad friend and bridesmaid because I haven't helped her out very much... even though it's not really my fault!

LEJC

If you've offerred and shes not accepted then theres not a lot else you can do...perhaps she just wants things her way...she probably wanted to do her own invites and part of that process was to moan about how long it took her...

She clearly had a style in mind for her bridemaids and didnt see the need to have you try on dresses etc or help her choose....some people are like that...it is her day and whilst you are there on the day to support her I guess she feels its up to her to make the major decisions of how everything is...

Keep in contact with her before the wedding and she will no doubt be intouch with you when she really has something that you need to do...

It sounds a bit to me like she just wants things done her way and is prepared to organise it all herself...shes in control and will ask when she needs something specific doing...either that or shes incredibly laid back about it all....its very difficult to delegate for some people at the best of times...so dont think bad of her just because she wont give you a specific thing to do..

have a wonderful day at the wedding and enjoy the experience of being the bridesmaid...

Tebheag

Hi
Wish I had had you for my bridesmaid I struggled to get mine to do anything. at end of the day sounds like you have tried to help just be there for her and have a good day yourself.

White_Sapphire

Sounds to me like she has a hard time relinquishing control! You've done all you can; if she insists on doing everything herself then you will have to just let her, even if she's stressing herself out over it. Perhaps she's the kind of person who thrives on pressure and as much as she moans actually wouldn't have it any other way? I know one or two people like that!

I felt like a bad bridesmaid for my best friend, as all I did was sort my outfit and the hen do. I told her that I was available if she needed me to do anything else, but she never asked. I kind of felt like maybe I should have offered to do specific things or asked her more often about it, but the truth is she knew I was there if she needed me. Not much more to do than that, really.

x

Mrsanders

Wow I wish I had a bridesmaid like you!

I only have one bridesmaid now as the other was not interested at all and avoided all contact I tried to make with her, I even offered to go to her if she let me know when she was free but would never reply.

As far as some things go for me there is things I would much rather do myself such as invites and stuff, my mil2b offered with things like the order of service but wanted to do it myself (I'm a bit of a control freak!) but I made sure she knew I appreciated the offer and involved her in others things.

I think your friend is being a bit unreasonable really, and she should appreciate your offers of help.

But at least you know you have offered to help, theres not much else you can do

Birdie85

Thanks girls, I think maybe she does have a bit of a control issue, it just kind of upset me that she hasn't accepted any of my offers, not even to cut lengths of ribbon so she can stick them on the invites or anything! And the fact that every time we'd 'agree' to go to the dress shop I'd make sure I was free all day (annoying OH in the process because we couldn't go out as I 'had plans') to then be stood up and not realise until she'd update her Facebook status with something like, 'Just tried on my dress!' and I'd be thinking, 'Eh?!'

I suppose I'll just have to have faith that it'll all be fine on the day and enjoy myself, I'll make sure I stick with the other bridesmaids so I don't miss anything important!

MrsDrink

*holds her hand up and looks to the floor ashamedly*

Sounds like you're describing me here! (Lol you're not don't worry - I'm not having any bridesmaids). I am the worlds biggest control freak. I really hate delegating - most of the time it's a case of it wouldn't be done to my standards (lol) and I'd have to redo it all so I might as well just do it myself from the start. Other times it's a case of well actually you could probably do it better than me, but then they wouldn't be 'mine' and I want people to know I did them (I'm thinking invites here). For me - it wouldn't just be my bridesmaid that wouldn't be getting a look in. It's everyone. Even MrD lol. I have said he can write his own thank you cards - which I've made - but I'll probably end up doing them anyway to make sure the wording is just right lol.

As for the moaning - lol I'm British - I was born to moan!! When talking about our wedding really there is only (at the moment) one topic of conversation - how much everything bloody costs. But that doesn't mean I'm asking for help - more I'm making an observation. The same will be true when I start making our invites - I will moan, but not because I want help but because I'm making a conversation. Lol it'd be a very boring bride who, when asked how things were coming on, just said 'everything is fine, it's all sorted'. It's much more fun to have a !!!!! and moan about these things

My advice would be to try not to take it so personally.
x

twink22

are you my bridesmaid?? She sounds like me!! I wont let other people do anything as I'm a control freak, and if she's picky like you say then she's probably the same. She probably doesnt want to offend you by saying no I dont want your help so says yes and then hopes you'll forget or be relieved you didnt have to help her.

My cousin offered to help me with the invites and i said yeah thanks, I'll let you know nearer the time knowing full well I couldnt stand the thought of anyone else doing them (i was a designer for a card making magazine). I chose the bridesmaid dresses then told them to go and get measured.

hp3

Mrsanders! I was exactly the same. I wasnt involved very much in either of my friends wedding planning even though I was chief bridesmaid. I was never asked to go dress shopping or help in any way but the hen do and try my bridesmaid dress on. I wasnt even shown or have any input on the dresses. I think this is down to the bride. I have asked one of mine to come dress shopping with me but I'll ask her when I'm ready on a day. I think Birdie you have done more than is askeed of you and if she wants to do it all herself let her. I do regret not being involved in my friends planning but there is only so much asking and offering you can do.

Berkshiregirl

Again, you could be describing me here. I've just really enjoyed picking things by myself, when I want to, and not having to listen to what other people think I should have. I've been especially cautious when speaking to friends who are already married - while I love their weddings, I want the day to be mine.

jenhug

I'm thinking she doesn't really want you as her bridesmaid. How long have you been friends?