Bridesmaid wanting to help but can't!

ellay864

I'm not in the same position as my BM is my 16yr old step-daughter who can't organise herself let alone anything else, but that suits me - I know what I like and how I want everything. I wouldn't take it personally. There's other bridesmaids...maybe she doesn't want to be seen to let one get involved more than others (unless you're the only grown-up and the others are children). Also - and please don't take this the wrong way - maybe without realising you're talking about your own wedding more than you realise. My best friend got married 4 months before my first wedding; as soon as hers was done everytime we talked about mine she seemed to be making comparisons to hers. I was doing what she'd done - did she want me to do that for her as she knew about it; I was doing that different - had I thought about doing it like she had, she could recommend that. It wasn't in a nasty 'my wedding's better than yours' type of thing, but everything I mentioned had to come with a dialogue of how she'd done it. It got to one day when I was mega-stressed over a million other things and I just snapped at her and told her it was MY wedding, she'd had hers and could she just shut the **** up about it while I was doing my thing. I did immediately burst into tears and apologised, but so did she. She genuinely hadn't realised how much she was doing it, and how seemingly innocuous comments can come across quite differently to an over-sensitive bride-to-be.
Cut her a bit of slack. If she wants the perfect wedding she'll ask for help if she feels she needs it. Sometimes people work best by taking things on, having a bit of a moan about them, but ultimately feel better for having achieved it themselves. You've let her know you're there for her. That's all you can really do. Don't smother her

RainbowDrops

jenhug wrote: »

I'm thinking she doesn't really want you as her bridesmaid. How long have you been friends?

That's not neccessarily the case - I haven't given my bridemaids much to do, as I don't want them to have to get involved in my boring Wedmin, and I don't want them as my "slaves" for the day.

I just want them close to me to celebrate the day & have fun with on the hen do.

Not all brides want "hands-on" bridesmaids.

shellsuit

If she doesn't want help, don't offer to help again.

Maybe she thinks you are stifling her with all these offers and ideas?

I'd just say if you need me, you know where I am.

I wouldn't be feel offended or upset over it.

Birdie85

jenhug wrote: »

I'm thinking she doesn't really want you as her bridesmaid. How long have you been friends?

I keep thinking this too TBH, but when I brought it up about 6 months ago and gave her a get-out clause she didn't bite... but maybe she's trying to be nice! We've been friends for about 3 years, we met through our OHs and have spent a lot of time together since, my OH is an Usher.

I haven't really gone on about my wedding to her, it was abroad and she didn't come. She's not really asked about it, she didn't ask to see my photos, just had a look at the ones we posted on FB and I've not really told her that much as I didn't want to sound like I was 'going on' especially with her wedding coming up, only answered questions that she's asked along the lines of 'Were you freaking out?' which relate back to her wedding, which doesn't bother me as I've been in that blinkered 'Bridal Zone' myself!

I do understand that she is probably just wanting the control to make sure everything is perfect, I think what was/is bugging me is being set-up then stood-up so many times, and not being told about the plans for the big day.

It's nice to hear that there are a lot of control freaks here so it's maybe just that she can't bear to share the load rather than not being able to involve me in particular!

clearing_out_my_pockets

I had this issue with my 'best' friend a few years ago. The difference with me is that my friend has no organisation skills WHATSOEVER. She has no issues with letting go etc., but for some absurd reason she rejected every single offer of help that I made. I wasn't involved in picking my dress, organising her hen do, nothing. Then to add insult to injury I found out a couple of weeks ago that she showed all of her friends her dress before the big day... apart from me.

Abbafan1972

I would be rather put out if she said she'd contact me for a dress fitting and then left me out and posted something on Facebook about it.

If she's as bad as what you say, then I would be tempted to pull out and not bother to be bridesmaid at all.

Birdie85

Aw that's awful Clearing_out_my_pockets. I have at least seen the dress, I had to learn how to fluff the skirt since it's quite a large number!

I was left out of the hen do, originally they were going 'Glamping' for 2 nights and I couldn't afford it since it was over £100 just for the camping, not including all of the extras they had planned. The week after the hen weekend I organised a surprise bridal shower at my house for other girls who couldn't afford it either and spent ages on planning and decorating and we had a wonderful night. Then I found out that the hen party plans had changed months ago and they ended up staying in a cottage costing £35 each for 2 nights so I could have afforded to come had she told me! I think she was making a point there, but I can think of 4 people who could have gone had she and her sister not been so petty about it. I did tell her off for that one!

I just found out today that the Groom has done a similar thing to my OH. We were talking to him last week and he told us that he was collecting the suits today and needed OH to try his on ASAP so he could take it back if there was a problem. OH works evenings so said he'd come with him to collect the suits morning so he could get sorted straight away then the groom wouldn't be struggling to get him sorted (and to be there for his mate, supportive usher and all that!) so the groom said 'Yeah, that's be great...I'll let you know what time'.... guess what happened?! Maybe they're just an odd couple? Maybe they just don't like the both of us?!

Abbafan, I couldn't pull out, I'm far too nice/weak to cause upset... and it'd throw the whole Bridal party off kilter if I left! That and she'd be left with a £200 dress that's no good to anyone!

Abbafan1972

Birdie85 wrote: »

Aw that's awful Clearing_out_my_pockets. I have at least seen the dress, I had to learn how to fluff the skirt since it's quite a large number!

I was left out of the hen do, originally they were going 'Glamping' for 2 nights and I couldn't afford it since it was over £100 just for the camping, not including all of the extras they had planned. The week after the hen weekend I organised a surprise bridal shower at my house for other girls who couldn't afford it either and spent ages on planning and decorating and we had a wonderful night. Then I found out that the hen party plans had changed months ago and they ended up staying in a cottage costing £35 each for 2 nights so I could have afforded to come had she told me! I think she was making a point there, but I can think of 4 people who could have gone had she and her sister not been so petty about it. I did tell her off for that one!

I just found out today that the Groom has done a similar thing to my OH. We were talking to him last week and he told us that he was collecting the suits today and needed OH to try his on ASAP so he could take it back if there was a problem. OH works evenings so said he'd come with him to collect the suits morning so he could get sorted straight away then the groom wouldn't be struggling to get him sorted (and to be there for his mate, supportive usher and all that!) so the groom said 'Yeah, that's be great...I'll let you know what time'.... guess what happened?! Maybe they're just an odd couple? Maybe they just don't like the both of us?!

Abbafan, I couldn't pull out, I'm far too nice/weak to cause upset... and it'd throw the whole Bridal party off kilter if I left! That and she'd be left with a £200 dress that's no good to anyone!

I am the same sort of person as you OP, but If I continually felt that I was being dumped on from a great height then I wouldn't let any of those reasons stop me from pulling out.

ammonite

I would hate for my bridesmaids to think I didnt want them as my bridesmaids just because I didn't accept their help.

The girls were great on the day, I picked their dress colour and they picked the style together, but knowing the nature of them, I'm sure they would have just said yes to anything to please me which is absolutely lovely - I'd like to think they did have some sort of a hand in it. I planned my own hen do which I was fine about, it made sense as I knew all of the people so could ring them all up and I got to pick what I wanted to do and had a great night.

They didn't seem put out, but only one had been a bridesmaids before and she knew the drill with what to do on the day and beforehand, she may well have wanted more involvement but she did that all by herself by organising secret table decorations and sashes for the hen party and decorating our honeymoon suite up on the day. I loved it, they were special things she could do for me without me needing to pester them for help.

I was very aware of trying not to bug them for help as I didn't want to be Bridezilla and talk of nothing other than the wedding (which is really hard not to do!), there was only once I called up the had-been-a-bridesmaid-before and asked her to help me out with something, which she did spectacularly. She helped me on the day when I didn't even realise I needed help (like buying me a drink because I had no money in my bag!).

Perhaps she just doesnt want to pester you? or admit she is a control freak (for fear of being labelled "bridezilla" ??)