Relationship advice needed - boyfriend hasn't moved in

Amy_1984

This is my first post - so please be nice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we decided to move in together. We chose a nice flat and signed a 12 month lease together. On the 10th of January I moved in and he said he would move in soon after.

He lives with his parents, who don't exactly like me. His mother has said that if he moves in with me, his family will disown him.

It's almost been four months and he hasn't moved in for fear of upsetting his mother, and I just don't know what to do. He's paying half the rent and the council tax at the moment, as his name is on the lease and the council tax statement.

I don't want to issue an ultimatum as I'm worried he would leave me with all of the rent to pay. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

cte1111

Yikes tricky one. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, rarely seem to get the effect that you want. However if I were in your situation I would have to put my foot down one way of the other. How old are you both?

Amy_1984

We are both 24 with full time jobs, so he doesn't rely on them financially.

anguk

I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt and say how long are you going to wait for your boyfriend to grow a pair and tell his mother he's a grown man who can make his own decisions? He's had this flat for 4 months and paying his half of the bills but he still hasn't plucked up the courage to tell his mother?

If it was me I'd be issuing an ultimatum.

anguk

Amy_1984 wrote: »

We are both 24 with full time jobs, so he doesn't rely on them financially.

My son is 24, who he has a relationship with and who he lives with is none of my business because he's a grown man.

It seems to me his mother is still trying to control him by threatening to disown him if he moves in with you (personally I think that's a despicable thing to say to your child) and it also sounds like your boyfriend is frightened of cutting the apron strings.

misgrace

anguk wrote: »

I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt and say how long are you going to wait for your boyfriend to grow a pair and tell his mother he's a grown man who can make his own decisions? He's had this flat for 4 months and paying his half of the bills but he still hasn't plucked up the courage to tell his mother?

If it was me I'd be issuing an ultimatum.

Well said, I only say this as I was in a similar situation, I had my own house, he lived with his parents the mother hated me as I was a divorcee, and about 7 years older than him, and shock horror I had 2 kids, and believe me I tried so hard to be accepted.
Cant believe this went on for nearly 5 years, but in one way I was no hurry for him to move in with me anyway, but it was the fact that he wasnt man enough to tell his mother that I was his choice, and she would have to accept it.
I then realised that he would never put me first, I called it a day, I really loved him, but I had to make a stand as I would always feel that he would never put me first.

If your BF doesnt grow a pair soon then am afraid you may as well give up, as he will never grow a pair.
Am not saying give an ultimatim as such, but perhaps suggest that he has 4 weeks to make a decision, he either goes one way or the other, its better than being in limbo.

Good luck :-)

Pollycat

If his parents don't like you after being together 5 years, that's hardly likely to change (unless you've done something since you've been together to make them dislike you e.g. cheat on him or treat him badly).

Did this 'disowning' threat come AFTER you signed the lease on the flat?
Or was it always hanging in the air?

If it's the latter, it's hard to understand why he made the decision to move in with you in the first place.

I agree with the others, if he can't/won't stand up to his family now - he never will.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, I'd just tell him you want to know where you stand and if he's going to commit to you.

esmf73

Agree with everyone - you need to know where you stand. If it were me I'd ask him and then when I found out the answer (I fear he's not going to leave home, no matter how much he loves you.) I'd advertise for a flat mate to help share the finances with. Good luck

go_cat

More soft him for paying for something that he isn't using.

He needs to make a decision tell his parents he is moving in or tell you he has no intention of moving in

Does he have a really close relationship with his parents ?

Are they using not liking you as an excuse to keep him at home as they don't want him to fly the nest?

Is there anything you can do to try and improve the relationship between you and his parents ... it maybe they think you are taking him off them

ailuro2

I think you could safely assume that you're entitled to 25% off your council tax bill, and will be for the foreseeable future.

If there hasn't been any loosening of those apron strings over the past five years it's not likely to start anytime soon.

Sorry.:(

Amy_1984

Generally, the Council Tax office want proof that the person has moved out - I had this problem with a previous flatmate. Plus, there are still two of us on the lease.

What's everyone's advice if he chooses his family and refuses to pay anymore?