Advice for a tricky family situation

geekychick

Hello, I'm posting here although this isn't for me, so I don't have access to all the financial details.

I have an elderly relative who, since her husband died, has been living with a partner (also elderly). It has transpired that over the 15 years or so she has never contributed to household expenses, despite having money of her own. It seems she has burned through all that money,mainly in giving it to other relatives who have been pleading hardship. The couple are now in dire straits financially, she is unwell and really needs more care (her partner is her main carer) but will not talk about money. She is still giving money to other members of the family who live nearby - they will only help out if paid it seems.

I do know they are struggling to pay the bills. I feel very sorry for the partner in this as he is a very good man and has done everything he can to look after my relative. I know that nothing can be done unless he accepts he needs some external help, but if he does, is there any way her pension etc. can be paid to him to keep it out of the hands of these hangers-on? If he had all the incoming money we could help him budget with that but at the moment she is spending and giving away money, while he cannot pay the gas bill.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what can be done that would be helpful - I now this is a bit off topic for this forum as I can't post a statement of affairs and so on, but perhaps I can help them get to that point. I don't live near them is part of the problem, neither do any of the side of the family who are appalled at what has been going on.

Thanks!

CH27

Has she got mental health problems like dementia?

Are Social Services involved?

Is she giving the money willingly or are they putting pressure on her?

If she needs so much care are they getting the correct benefits ie Attendance Allowance?

geekychick

She does not have mental health problems.

Social Services are not involved - they get no help at all - partly because she refuses to declare her income or what money she has.

I'm not sure what pressure is involved with regard to the money - I think this is a situation that has been ongoing for a very long time, originally she could afford to help out but now can't. I know that guilt tactics "I can't afford new shoes for the children..." etc. are employed, any more than that I don't know.

I'm sure they are not getting all benefits as they would need to be means tested I assume, and she won't declare her means... I am sure there are all kinds of things they could be claiming and should be.

churchrat

Hi

in what way is she unwell? and how elderly is elderly?
Sometimes dementia sneaks up on you and is difficult to spot in the early days.

Age concern can be very helpful, and will offer advice and will know about benefits which are not means tested.

they are lucky to have someone who is looking out for them, good luck with it all.

dancingfairy

Can you talk to the other side of the family at all? I guess not but it sounds awful. Can you talk to your relative at all? and say you think she is really kind and generous but now's the time she should be looking after herself and that her partner could do with a bit of help as well?
So difficult for you - as suggested try Age Concern and see if they can help.
I wish I had better suggestions for you but I guess unless the couple admit their is a problem/ask for help there isn't a great deal you can do unless you got power of attorny (or whatever it's called) over the financial affairs but this doesn't sound like it's possible if your relative doesn't agree.
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Hannah_10

Sadly, I think those above me have probably covered every point already. It comes down to that she has control of her own finances and even if her decisions are dreadful (and his too, because he is enabling her) they are still her decisions. Unless of course she is in poor mental health, then you might be able to do something about it. I am no expert on pensions though, so do repost this on the pensions board as well as on here.