Glittermonsters quest to make all things sparkle

glittermonster

So I started a blog yesterday and I'm not allowed to post a link so I thought Id do a diary!

I will make it more money saving! Promise!

glittermonster

Then I shall begin!!

This is a space for me to write what I want to - for strangers to see if they wish - not people I know. A place to be honest, share feelings, thoughts - the good, bad and really miserable!

Kinda like a Dear Diary, to get out some of the thoughts in my head and maybe make a little sense of it all!

Wish me luck - I feel like I need it!!

So me - I'm in my 30s, live with my oh of just over 2 years, we have no children tho have been trying since December. We both work full time - me 7-6 m-f with kids and him 12 hour day/night shifts.

I'm the youngest of 4 my siblings are all in their late 40s, he's the oldest of 4, a couple of years older than me, his siblings are all close in age. I have 8 nieces and nephews, one of which was stillborn in '99.

I have a history of depression - I was off work for 7months in 2002/03 and returned to my office job to then move into childcare. I consider myself cured but on days like today where I feel I could start crying and never stop I'm not so sure. I still have panic attacks mainly due to emotional stress (arguing with my OH) or crowds. When I was really ill I used to scratch - to take the pain away - a form of selfharm - my hands are covered in scars from this and I still do it now when I can't cope with how I'm feeling.

I take everything personally - I'm fundamentally at fault for everythin bad in my life - it's always down to me - that's what I really believe. I was bullied throughout school, have a very critical Dad who I've never been good enough for and several damaging relationships in my past.

I've been through happy pills and counselling and cbt and am a better person for it.

I love my oh and although we argue (doesn't everyone) I do love him to pieces. At the start of our relationship I lied about a friend who I'd slept with, I'd told my oh I didn't sleep with him. Obviously he has trust issues which I've caused. I denied it for 6 months and the truth came out in august 2009. I lied cos I was ashamed I guess . This friend is nolonger part of my life - I made that decision and my friend understood.

AND NOW....

I feel incredibly sad most of the time lately. I'm so tired. I'd put it down to hormones - AF is due shortly, but right now I'm not so sure.

I worry too much, I think too much.

I just need some space to write it all down.

I'll be back later.

glittermonster

Up until I moved out of my parents I was really good with money. That was in August 2008!!

Until May 2009 I only had a 3 day job which paid bills but nothing more. I would add to this with temp work and agency work.

In jan 09 I met my oh and he soon lost his job. He started his new job properly in may 2010 and now I have all the debts below plus car HP, laptop HP and another £2k on my cc which he owes me.

He told me a couple of weeks ago that when we discover I'm pregnant he will save £200 a month so we have £ to buy stuff and for me to be off work.

My challenge to myself for tomorrow/the weekend is to suggest he gives me £100 a month extra towards his cc debt to start clearing it.

I'm a worrier and quite anal about my budget. I'm good at going without and NSD. My job helps - as a nanny I have breakfast, lunch and smacks at work provided by my employer.

I'm committee to clearing my unstructured debts in just over a year and even enjoy making my payments after payday!

So that's my £ diary!!

I want to be able to decorate, to do nice things but right now repaying my/our overspending is much more important.

Some of the loan was for extra deposit and furnishing the house, paying for a holiday we had committed to with oh's compensation which didn't materialise and replacing windows.

The rest - I'm ashamed to say - we have very little to show for.

I've tries to get a 0% cc to transfer ccs to but seem to have been unsuccesful. Unsurprisingly given the level of credit I have!

happinessismygoal

Hi Glittermonster

I just wanted to say welcome I only started my diary yesterday but have been lurking for ages.

I suffer a lot with my mood and when something bad happens (however tiny) I normally bury my head in the sand, I felt like I couldn't do that anymore so started my diary! I love reading everyone else's and seeing how far they have gone, so I hope they are a good inspiration both of us!

I hope it helps you sort everything out and keep focused

happiness x