Resolve debts without telling husband?

coelacanth67

Hi, newbie here and I'd very much welcome any advice anyone can offer me.

I'm ashamed to admit I have run up unmanageable levels of debt which my husband doesn't know about (we bank separately). I am self-employed and earn very little, and although I am currently pursuing a lot of different avenues to bring more work in, I have been forced to face up to the fact that unless there is a dramatic upturn in my fortunes soon, my debts are going to spiral out of control.

There isn't much work in my field of employment these days, and attempts I have made to get other kinds of work have failed due to my age and being 'overqualified' (sooo glad I went to university, not!) My husband earns a very good salary and so I am not entitled to any benefits. I am fine at money management when I actually have money coming in, so I don't feel I need counselling, just a solution. Also, I am currently pursuing a business opportunity (bona fide, not pyramid or get-rich-quick or anything dodgy like that) which has a reasonable chance of coming off. If it does, my income will improve so dramatically that I will be able to pay my debts off without him ever having been any the wiser. This is the solution I am most hoping for, obviously!

I know I should tell him, but the secrecy of my actions would really hurt him - plus, more crucially, he has had to bail me out before and I think he might end it between us if he discovers I've done it again. Most of the debt is not down to reckless spending on luxuries - my biggest mistake has been pride and not wanting to 'live off' him as we have no kids and it seems unfair to him - but he tends to be naive/ill-informed about debt (he's always had plenty of money) and in the past he has always seemed unable to accept that once interest charges etc kick in, credit cards debts (which is what mine are) do spiral out of control.

Anyway, at this point in time I regard telling him as an absolute last resort and what I am asking, for now, is whether there is any means of dealing with this debt (IVA or similar) which I can undergo without his knowledge? I know my credit record will suffer and that is OK, it's my mistake and I'm willing to pay for it. I just don't want my husband to suffer either emotionally or financially from my mistakes.

Advice much welcomed!!

sickasachip13

I hear what you're saying about not telling him, I'm not sure I really understand but that's your choice. So, technically you could go down the DMP route without him knowing, unless you've got joint debts? We went down the DMP route with CCCS (you don't have to have counselling with them) and its been a godsend and has made an unmaneagable situation manageable.

If you were doing this then you should talk to CCCS or Payplan - neither of these organisations charge. Don't be tempted to go with a fee charging company.

irishjohn

I have no idea what options are open to you but there are a couple of things you say which indicate therre may be no firm solution to your problem.

You say you do not want to tell your husband because this has happened to you before and he has bailed you out. You also say you are fine at money management when you have money coming in which indicates that when the income stream dried up you carried on with the expenditure stream otherwise you could not have neded up in debt if you had been managing your money well beforehand.

Does all this not give you some clues to your future likelihood of starting the cycle all over again if your income stream dries up again.

If you frar it could end your relationship confessing all - is that relationship somewhat fragile anyway ?

I'm not lecturing / counselling - it is entirely up to you to decide whether or not to undertake a secret recovery plan but I think if I were in your shoes I would want and need some support - and my partner would be the obvious source of support - I could not stress myself hiding a secret shame.

GeorgeUK

If you have any joint accounts (including mortgage), your credit rating will have an effect on his. If you start missing payments he will not be notified or anything but he may begin to wonder why he is getting turned down for credit.

If you are not financially joined, then yes - you can keep this a secret from him. I'm not going to go into whether you should or not but hope you are prepared if he does find out later.

When i started tackling my debts, the saving grace was that i could get some 0% credit card. Are your debts on a high APR? Would you be able to get some 0% cards to reduce the interest rate?

You can have about 3 credit checks in a 6 month period before your credit score is affected, so don't go rushing into anything - we are just looking at possibilities right now. Your low income may count against you for this.

I would suggest you complete a statement of affairs (some people post it up, but you don't have to). You need to make sure that your income is greater than your expenditure. If this is not the case then we need to see if there are any areas where you can make savings or cut back a little, possibly finding a cheaper alternative.
https://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

eyeopener2

I've said this countless times but to others after doing this myself.

You have to tell him.

He will go mad, not over the money but in the fact you didn't trust him.

he will forgive you in time but only if you can turn your spending habits around.

You need to pay your dues not just to your creditors but more importantly to him. Trust takes some rebuilding (take it from one who has done exactly what you have done).

First things first, get yourself a plan, then approach him, tell him the situation, let him explode or whatever and then tell him your plan.

He may find out anyway, which would be 100 times worse.

Tell him and start the process of forgiveness, you will feel loads better.

E2

coelacanth67

Thanks everyone, very much appreciate all the advice and thoughts. I don't have much to add at this stage because I am thinking it all through, but I will post again when I have had a good think, and I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice.

katsu

is your mortgage in joint names? If you have a mortgage or bank account together then it will impact him financially so you should tell him. Tell him when you have spoken to payplan/cccs and can say "this happened, but, unlike before, this is my plan to resolve it"

Mrs_Trouble

I felt that I had to reply to your post.

My Husband found out the truth about our debt on Friday. When he called me I was terrified, I have spent years convinced he would leave me and hiding everything from him, I could never have predicted his reaction. He has been an absolute rock.

Of course he was angry at first, but more than anything he was hurt that I couldn't tell him I was in trouble. He thought that my moods/stress/being distant was because I didn't love him and I think he was actually relieved it was money related.

He has made me face up to it and he has today told me he is proud of me I slept properly for the first time in 7 years last night and today I didn't panic when he called me at work, thinking he had found something out.

Without realising it I was destroying our marriage with the stress I was under.

Please tell your husband, share the burden. I know I have hurt him and have to build up the trust with him but he has told me he loves me and we have a future without debt. He cannot believe I have let debt make me miserable.

The first few days will be horrendous but the calm will come. The fact that I have spent all night with my husband going through spreadsheets, him recognising how it built up and offering me support with my DMP - if you had told me I would be doing that a week ago I would have laughed. A huge huge burden has been lifted and shared, and I can see a happy future now. Last week I was suicidal, today I am hopeful.

If he loves you he will forgive you, it is only money.

TheEngineeress

Mrs_Trouble wrote: »

I felt that I had to reply to your post.

My Husband found out the truth about our debt on Friday. When he called me I was terrified, I have spent years convinced he would leave me and hiding everything from him, I could never have predicted his reaction. He has been an absolute rock.

Of course he was angry at first, but more than anything he was hurt that I couldn't tell him I was in trouble. He thought that my moods/stress/being distant was because I didn't love him and I think he was actually relieved it was money related.

He has made me face up to it and he has today told me he is proud of me I slept properly for the first time in 7 years last night and today I didn't panic when he called me at work, thinking he had found something out.

Without realising it I was destroying our marriage with the stress I was under.

Please tell your husband, share the burden. I know I have hurt him and have to build up the trust with him but he has told me he loves me and we have a future without debt. He cannot believe I have let debt make me miserable.

The first few days will be horrendous but the calm will come. The fact that I have spent all night with my husband going through spreadsheets, him recognising how it built up and offering me support with my DMP - if you had told me I would be doing that a week ago I would have laughed. A huge huge burden has been lifted and shared, and I can see a happy future now. Last week I was suicidal, today I am hopeful.

If he loves you he will forgive you, it is only money.

I totally agree. I spilled everything to both my OH and my parents a few weeks ago, and it has been a massive relief. Yes, my OH was annoyed, but only because I never told him sooner.

It strengthened my relationship with both my OH and my parents. Please tell, you'll feel so much better!!

coelacanth67

Thanks so much for your advice everybody, I managed to pluck up the courage and tell him and although he was pretty annoyed at first, we have been able to work something out. Thanks to everyone who's replied on here for helping me pluck up the courage!

(katsu, I meant to say, no the mortgage wasn't ever a part of it. )

TheEngineeress

I'm so happy for you - well done for plucking up the courage (I know when I told my parents it took me three hours just to pick up the phone!!)

It's immeasurably easier to have someone there who will help and support you. Best of luck for the future, I'm sure it can only get better from now on


:T