Support from friends

throughtherain

I am a very private person and find it difficult opening up to people about anything, but especially money problems.

However, at the start of January this year I had my LBM and since then I have been focused on getting debt-free, which with a lot of hard work and a bit of luck I will be able to achieve within a year.

I am also trying to be more open and have discussed my debt problems with a close friend (as I am proud of the headway I have made in the last month), but instead of receiving support for recognising my mistakes and tackling my problem, they just do not understand and just offer judgement about how one should manage their money and take pride in pointing out that they have never had a credit card. I now feel guilty and silly for letting myself get into trouble with credit cards, and I also feel silly for thinking that I could discuss it with a friend without being judged.

I don't really want to ask any questions, but just needed somewhere to vent my frustration as my friends don't seem to be much help in that department! Is it just me? Do other people have supportive friends?!

WeBeBroke

They seem a bit mean to me. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes but it's how we face up to them that's important!
Please feel proud about the fact that you've faced up to your problem and you're doing something about them. Don't feel guilty - nobody's perfect- - no matter what they say;)

Least of all me!

I'm probably the opposite in that I'm boring my friends silly about my money problems! They fall into two camps - they join in the moaning or the fe**ers have enough money so they don't worry about it.....

Either way, please don't be disheartened by your friend's reaction. You may find support in the most surprising of places so please keep being open about your problems and don't feel tempted to bottle them up.

WBB x

Nottoobadyet

If you haven't been open about this sort of thing in the past, you friend may well have been caught off guard.

There was a thread on here a while ago about how many of the OPs friends were in debt and just not talking about it... communally getting our heads out of the sand and talking frugal-ism would be good for everyone, I think!

bexster1975

Hi OP

Im sorry your friend wasn't very supportive. It sounds from what you say that they would have struggled to empathise having never been in the situation before. You have made a huge step by writing on here, people will be in the same, or worse, situations than you and will want to offer support and help if you want it.

Almost everyone one here wants to assist for lots of reasons, but mostly because being in uncontrolled debt is horrible, dangerous and soul-destroying and it sometimes helps to know you are not on your own.

Its a pity you don't want help as you are in the perfect place to get it. If you have had your LBM, lots of people will be willing and ready to offer practical help and support.

If you change your mind about help, there is a link to a Statement of Affairs calculator. If you fill this in and post it up, lots of lovely people will come along and take a look at it and offer some ideas.

Either way, good luck.

bexster:)

http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

secretshopper75

It's very hard to talk about money to most people isn't it. seems a bit like talking about salaries..every states how things are expensive/cheap but never actual figures..

I've not told friends about my problems direct but when out with certain ones, particularly those who I know aren't 'well off' I have talked about how much more general day to day living costs and how we are tightening our belts..

At the end of the day it's only money, sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't..you can't buy love and friendship with it..well not the true type

choogirl

Hello OP

You are doing so well, you have addressed the problem and are sorting it out, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
As someone else said maybe it took your friend by surprise that you have some debt I know that it would take my friends by surprise if they knew my situation.

I have found that keeping a diary on the debt free section of this forum has really helped me. Its keeping me focused and prevents my DH having to listen to me waffling on all the time. Lots of people keeping diaries are in debt whilst some have become debt free and are just using the diaries to keep focus.

Good luck xx

determined_new_ms

oh 2 things spring to mind the first is as omeone else has sai maybe you caught them off guard and it was a knee jerk reaction? second is anychance you're feeling uber senstive and misinterpreted their response? Maybe they were trying - in their own way - to give you some advice and you took it the wrong way?

And if that isn't the case then their not worth worrying over x

andy40

Possibly your friends dont really appreciate your problem and the distress it is causing you. They may think you are silly for havng got into the situation but are they willing to give you support to get out of it? Maybe they do think they are offering useful advice. When we are in debt and our minds are clouded by stress we dont always appreciate what other people are trying to do for us.

However, it is amazing how little people listen. I have dropped hints to my friends about my difficult situation, but that does not stop them asking when Im going on holiday next and then telling me about their last great holiday to Thailand and their new expensive kitchen extension.

Dont tar everyone with the same brush but accept you are not always going to get the response you want.

Good luck with the debt free journey!

miss_lisalou

From what you said about your friends reactions, I think it's likely that they saw that as being helpful and offering their advice, which is pretty misguided I know, but I'm sure none of them would have intended to make you feel the way you did afterwards. I think for someone who has never had real debt problems it can be hard to put themselves in the position of those of us around here, so they don't know the right things to say or how to react as they just don't understand the scale of the problem.

Don't take it to heart that their reactions left you feeling bad. If they ever run into money problems in the future, they'll appreciate having you around to talk to now

throughtherain

Thank you all so much for your comments - perhaps you are right and I am being oversensitive and he was trying to help in his own way. I think I just find it really frustrating that no-one wants to talk about things like money when those are the really serious issues that you could really do with talking about more than other things! But I guess that's the way of the world and I am very grateful for what I have learnt from moneysavingexpert forums.

Many thanks again.

Sparklyfairy

Hi there, it is sad that we all don't tend to be more open about money - it would help people out massively. I am a "secret poor" person & none of my friends have a clue a I about my current finances. I believe if financial issues weren't still kept in the dark it 1. wouldn't be so shameful to some & 2. help everyone out via moral support & also financial advice - most of us probably wouldn't have gotton into the messes we're now in!

You should be very proud of yourself - who knows, in a few years your friend may be in a similar situation & ask you for some tips!