dictating access

elff

hi all

my and hubby are not getting along at all at the moment and it is begining to affect the kids. He is rarley here anyway and spends most of his his time with his mates (most are 'part time dads')

I suguested last night that maybee he should go and stay with his parents for a bit - he then said if we every split up he would demand the kids on a roatating weekend basis..... eldest one weekend then the youngest 2 the next weekend so i wouldn't get a break or a chance to go out.

He can be really mean - he knows full well my family do nothing to help me out and that his parents and grandparents would 'look out for him' rarther than me -i expect he would palm the kids off to nannys or grannys on his weekends if he wanted to go out with his mates.

Is there anything i could do? I of course would want him to see the kids as much as possiable he is their farther but can i insist he takes all off them?

(he would pay the bare minimum for them but i know he would pay it)

RAS

Hi

No he cannot dictate access.

If you cannot agree it between you (and there is no way you would be required to agree this) the case goes to court and the judge imposes the rules. I have never heard of an agreement like this.

Blob

It would also depend on the accommodation that he has to offer the kids, if it is only possible to do it this way, then the case may have merit! I as with RAS have never heard of an arrangement like this, but it would not mean that they don't exist.

clearingout

unless accommodation was an issue, I find it hard to believe a court would go with this. Siblings generally come as a unit and should be spending quality time with each parent as a family, surely? I know CAFCASS don't look at separating siblings unless there is good reason (not sure I can think of a good reason, but perhaps there are instances, circumstance is everything I guess) and to my mind, this fits quite neatly into that category. In fact, my ex proposed to CAFCASS that he had the children every week and I had them every weekend. Laughed my head off - CAFCASS Officer said 'well, you'd get all the quality time with them'. I was polite, but I told her where to go with that one - somewhere along the lines of 'I need a life and a lie in every now and again, thank you'. She laughed.

Some people like to control these situations. The trick is letting them get one over on you every now and again - the way I see it, if you know they're getting one over on you, they're not!

DUTR

When my mate was obtaining access / contact whatever the correct name is, cafcass /courts did want to offer if initially as one one weekend and the other on the alternative weekend, it dragged out until such time he had them both on the same alternate weekend.
For the OP, if the nrp (or soon to be) chooses not have them at all , then you will still be in a similar position which you want to avoid.

elff

Thanks for the advice.

I just know he will make it difficult for me to have a life that dosn't involve soft play finger painting or picking kids up from school.

I rarley get a minute to myself now - we will see what lies ahead.

clearingout

DUTR wrote: »

When my mate was obtaining access / contact whatever the correct name is, cafcass /courts did want to offer if initially as one one weekend and the other on the alternative weekend, it dragged out until such time he had them both on the same alternate weekend.
For the OP, if the nrp (or soon to be) chooses not have them at all , then you will still be in a similar position which you want to avoid.

do you know what the logic behind one weekend, one the next was? can't see many NRPs wanting that arrangement any more than a PWC 'cos weekends are important for a whole host of reasons - lie ins, seeing friends, lazy lunch with the newspapers, ironing, going to Ikea....! I guess it's different if you're a shift worker. Maybe that had something to do with it?

And as someone who has gone from shared care to an entirely absent NRP, it's frankly easier not having to deal with him cancelling at the last minute, going on holiday at 3 days notice, missing weekends/mid-week contact 'cos he's going out etc. etc. etc. I know exactly where I stand now and what arrangements need to be made and as odd as it may sound, I have more of a life now than I had with 18 months of shared care and lots of time off!

DUTR

clearingout wrote: »

do you know what the logic behind one weekend, one the next was? can't see many NRPs wanting that arrangement any more than a PWC 'cos weekends are important for a whole host of reasons - lie ins, seeing friends, lazy lunch with the newspapers, ironing, going to Ikea....! I guess it's different if you're a shift worker. Maybe that had something to do with it?

And as someone who has gone from shared care to an entirely absent NRP, it's frankly easier not having to deal with him cancelling at the last minute, going on holiday at 3 days notice, missing weekends/mid-week contact 'cos he's going out etc. etc. etc. I know exactly where I stand now and what arrangements need to be made and as odd as it may sound, I have more of a life now than I had with 18 months of shared care and lots of time off!

There was no sensible logic, other than the 'authorities' hoped he may give up on the quest, fortunately he did not and now has it signed up that he has them both every fortnight....(or else!)

Flyboy152

clearingout wrote: »

unless accommodation was an issue, I find it hard to believe a court would go with this. Siblings generally come as a unit and should be spending quality time with each parent as a family, surely? I know CAFCASS don't look at separating siblings unless there is good reason (not sure I can think of a good reason, but perhaps there are instances, circumstance is everything I guess) and to my mind, this fits quite neatly into that category. In fact, my ex proposed to CAFCASS that he had the children every week and I had them every weekend. Laughed my head off - CAFCASS Officer said 'well, you'd get all the quality time with them'. I was polite, but I told her where to go with that one - somewhere along the lines of 'I need a life and a lie in every now and again, thank you'. She laughed.

Some people like to control these situations. The trick is letting them get one over on you every now and again - the way I see it, if you know they're getting one over on you, they're not!

If it is considered that the eldest child will benefit more from having one-on-one contact with their father, rather than having to compete for attention, with two younger siblings, then it might be granted.

DUTR

Flyboy152 wrote: »

If it is considered that the eldest child will benefit more from having one-on-one contact with their father, rather than having to compete for attention, with two younger siblings, then it might be granted.

My mate's argument was that the children will also have bonding time with each other which was equally as important :j

clearingout

Flyboy152 wrote: »

If it is considered that the eldest child will benefit more from having one-on-one contact with their father, rather than having to compete for attention, with two younger siblings, then it might be granted.

OK. I can perhaps cope with this if the elder child who needed time alone/one-to-one contact had some kind of disability (just about, possibly, maybe) but what would happen to the same child if he/she was the product of an unbroken home? It's not logical.

Makes me laugh. Ex cancelled holiday contact in October because he was unwell. No other explanation other than the doctor had told him to keep away from our youngest. So what would he have done if we'd been living together?! (Move in with the girlfriend, obviously!!!!)