Am I Ready? So Confused

Silverhen

After reading through the forums for over 2 hours i decided that i might like to get afew honest opinions - put to bed the never ending wondering of what other people think. So i joined and here i am.
Alot has happened in my life and some of is really too hard to talk about.
Basically i want to move on with my life/find work , feel good about myself - heres the "cut version" of how i landed on benefits.
16 - left care and was given an income by social services £45 pw
16/17 became what i would call agrophobic although never diagnosed as too scared to see the doctors.
17 fell pregnant
18 Mum murdered
18 had a little boy
18 got puerperal psychosis ( a psychotic version of postnatal depression causing hallucinations and total out of character behavior)
* was seperated from baby for 3 and a half months, he was in the mother and baby unit but due to the severity of my illness i couldn't see him ( and rightfully so i was in no fit state )
18 reunited with my baby, the first time it felt like i was holding a complete strangers baby )
ended up getting depression / i was obsessive about everything - remaking his bottles 5 times - wasting milk ect ect because no one knew at the time but i have ocd )
* felt like he deserved better - convinced myself i didn't love him like a mother should , was on high meds which i think effected my energy levels ect ( for psychosis and depression )
19 baby adopted ( the hardest thing i have ever and will ever do )

4 years on and never a day goes by i don't think about him and i never want one too either , even i it would be less painful.

Now ive explained a little bit of my history im looking for your advice. Since leaving school i have never worked and no one could make me feel worse for this then i already do.
I was put on benefits due to mental illness and thankfully was diagnosed with ocd about a year ago ( although i haven't updated benefits about this, there is little point )i say thankfully because it was making my every living moment hell and now i'm on Setraline for it i am soo much better.
About 2/3 months ago i finally came off my anti - psychotics, i am so glad i did although my emotions seem to have rocketted since , but thats normal.
Anyways so all i'm on at the moment is Setraline which is an anti-deppresant but also for ocd. I will not come off this as i notice changes when i try but it is not a "bad" drug to be on as such.
All i seem to do at the moment is fear what people think. If i have spare money ( from benefits! ) and i go into a shop to look for a new top or buy some makeup - i think " their thinking why the hell should she do that " ect ect... i think i feel guilty
Anyways i do want to work but without feeling sorry for myself i don't have much optimism, i have got GCSEs which are good ones but nothing else - no experience - no cv - no references.
When i do get in the " i'm gonna do this mind frame " it lasts about two hours then dissapears , i want it to stay. I have no motivation , no get up and go , basically i think i'm lazy , but i wouldn't know because i'm so confussed all the time. I'm not happy on benefits - i hate people looking down on me and most of all i want to work to feel good about myself.
I'm scared of the rejection i'd feel not getting jobs ( even though that's something most peeps have to go through )
Being realistic it would be damn hard for me to get a job esp the way things are now. Do i stay on benefits and wait to be chucked off . do i get a job and fail because i can't cope , am i ready for work? and how do you know if you are?
I can't stick at anything - i let my self down constantly - maybe i need to be forced to do something to do it like know that if i didn't i wouldn't eat?
I've no idea how much i've just written and if it makes sence but if any one has made it to the end i'd love to hear ANYTHING you have to say , i welcome honesty but please don't be cruel. Thankyou for reading XX

Mr.Mulla

The best thing to do would be to give it a try. You won't know if you are ready until you've tried it.

I am not sure about the medications you are taking,but if you can be off them then it will be best, or at least try to be off them little by little.

In this kind of situation, you are the only one that can help yourself. So have a little more courage.

I wish you the best.

bluetownbarry

Mr.Mulla wrote: »

The best thing to do would be to give it a try. You won't know if you are ready until you've tried it.

I am not sure about the medications you are taking,but if you can be off them then it will be best, or at least try to be off them little by little.

In this kind of situation, you are the only one that can help yourself. So have a little more courage.

I wish you the best.

I'm sure the highlighted 'advice' is well intentioned, but please please please ignore it. Consult your Doctor/CPN before doing anything like reducing your meds.

I think you are really brave for wanting to change your current circumstances. I don't think this is something you should rush into, you might easily be setting yourself up to fail if you don't have the correct support in place first.

Do you have access to a social worker, community psych nurse or someone similar. If you have, speak to them first. If you haven't, perhaps approach your Doctor to see if he can recommend an organosation in your area.

I would advise small steps at first and gradually build up your confidence and experience. Perhaps some sort of voluntary work? What sort of things interest you?

There are plenty of charities out there that I'm sure could offer you the support you need to get into work.

Look at what has happened in your life as a closed chapter & tomorrow as the start of a new one that you control & you are in charge of.

I wish you luck. Take with a pinch of salt what you read on these forums but I know on the whole there is a lot of positive advice to be found here with people from a whole variety of backgrounds.

biggaz26

Im sorry I dont have any real advice but I just wanted to say good luck.

The hardest person to believe in can be yourself and you never feel worse than if you feel you have let yourself down.

You have clearly been through a lot in 23 ish years but you have plenty of time for that to change.

Some chinese fella once said a journey of 5000 miles starts with a single step and in your situation youll do well to remember that...small steps all they way.

G

Gazing_On_Sunsets

Both me and my brother once took part in a programme called Community Service Volunteers, csv. They place you in a full time volunteering position, sort out your accommodation and pay you a tiny weekly allowance for food. Actually I just looked at their website https://www.csv.org.uk and they do part time stuff and befriending and all sorts.

If you go for the full time option like I did, they send you away from your local area - they can be good or bad depending on your situation. I found it liberating.

It was really hard living on the £28 a week they gave me (at the time - I'm sure it's more now!) but I wasn't paying rent or bills, so that was just for food, which is do-able. And it gave me some experience which meant I could get onto teacher training - I had a bad work record before that, and nowhere would have me, and I couldn't get a "decent" job. (since having "decent" jobs, my idea of what one of those is has changed!)

You do a fixed term, so that when it ends, you can return to benefits without being penalised (unlike getting a job then walking out). It opens your experience, your world view, you meet people, you learn skills - I went on free training courses, which is brilliant for the cv - and best of all, you'll have a purpose in life and you'll feel part of something, you'll feel essential and needed, and you won't have any doubts as to your value.

pinkshoes

Perhaps a good start would be a long walk every day. Fresh air and exercise makes the world seem a much nicer place!

Volunteering would be a good idea, meet some people, and gain some confidence.

Giving your child up for adoption must've been incredibly difficult, but perhaps you can think of the joy that you brought to someone elses life, perhaps a couple that couldn't have their own children. You have given someone an amazing gift and should be proud of yourself.

Babymerlin

first off i want to say what a brave girl you are. and well done for wanting to train and get a job! BIG hugs to you my sweet.

i love the idea that Gazing on SUnsets has given you, what a fab idea and how great that something like this is up and running, i urge you to take a look at this and see how this suits you.

you will get there, i dont have any advice im afraid but just wanted to come on here and to say that i take my hat off to you for being brave and dealing with the horrible hand you have been dealt and getting up and doing something about it.

it must have been the hardest thing to give up your baby, but like pinkshoes has said, what a wonderful gift to someone who couldnt have a baby (this is speaking from someone who is on their 6th IVF).

you can do it my lovely. :T

Gordon_Hose

Volunteering is a good way to gain experience and meet new people. If I haven't found a job by the time I'm made redundant in March I'll be doing some volunteering myself, just to keep my mind busy and in a working mindset.

FatVonD

This is a really short reply as I have to fly in a minute but didn't want to read and run but have you thought about working with animals? They'll give their love unconditionally and won't judge you.

It sounds like you've had a tough time (my mum had a baby adopted nearly 60 years ago and she still hasn't got over it.)

I wish you the best of luck and will check back tomorrow, hopefully others will have better advice than me!