Newbie and in need of advice please

dollybeads

Thanks Maganan, it is tricky and feel really deceitful even asking on here, just to assuage my own guilt and reluctance to deal with it!!

Think I will sleep on it. Although I have bailed her out countless times beforehand (and been happy to do so) but its not helping my debt problem. I have often gone without to ensure she has extra money, but then spends it on non essentials. If I tell my other half he will go ballistic as have promised I am not going to do this anymore.................if only life were that easy.

Thanks for you post and hope all is well with you.

Dolly x

maganan

dollybeads wrote: »

Thanks Maganan, it is tricky and feel really deceitful even asking on here, just to assuage my own guilt and reluctance to deal with it!!

Think I will sleep on it. Although I have bailed her out countless times beforehand (and been happy to do so) but its not helping my debt problem. I have often gone without to ensure she has extra money, but then spends it on non essentials. If I tell my other half he will go ballistic as have promised I am not going to do this anymore.................if only life were that easy.

Thanks for you post and hope all is well with you.

Dolly x

Its so difficult when you've always done it and no one knows why you just have to say no, i know i've done the same sort of thing myself. maybe you need to ask would it be the same in reverse because your problems are equally valid and your needs are just as important. Hopefully a good nights sleep will give you some clarity:)

if you find an easy way let me know!

Gingerjar

Hello lovely Doll

I am off tomorrow to the local college for cut, colour, blowdry, facial and eyebrow tidy for Bargain £22.00 yee ha!!!!! Very excited. Lovely to hear of your great ongoing progress. I too am a daily online bank checker having spent years not having a clue what was in there and like your good self feeling sick/embarrassed at having to go into the bank,

Re your loan(!) to your DIL, what a tough one. Don't envy you at all on that decision. Don't like to advise you as you will find your own way on this one and it will be right for you.

Anyway hon, Friday tomorrow and the weekend. Think also you should do a diary, will definitely subscribe. Go on, you know you want to!

Toodle pip
Ginge x

dollybeads

Bless you, thanks folks, still not decided on the DIL thing, sadly it won't be a loan, just a gift, so still mulling it over.

Think this will be the last post on here and off to a diary thread!

Just for me really to record progress (hopefully) and what I am doing, will post back on here when the need arises, which is likely to be quite frequently!!

Many thanks for all your support everyone, it has been both life saving and changing. Not sure I can put my gratitude into words.

Dolly x :wave:

Pink-Angel

Hi Dolly,

First of you, you are such an inspiration to me just how much you have turned things around in a short space of time. You are doing amazingly well, and it's great that you got to the point where you felt able to make an overpayment.

I totally understand where you are coming from when you say a lot of your problems have come through bailing out other people - I have done the same so many times, and it hasn't helped my fianances. It's great you want to help your DIL. But I'm wondering if there is anyone else she could ask? It would be such a shame to affect how you are doing and to make things more difficult for you this month with essentials that must be paid (like bills). I also wonder if there will be an expectation that you will always be there to help bail people out. Even if you do decide to help, there may still come a time when you might have to say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could help, but I can't afford it." (I had to do this will a relative, it wasn't comfortable as they had come to rely on me, but I had to do to in the end because i really afford to keep helping financially.) I hope you won't mind me sharing my feelings. I do sympathise with your sitation, it's not easy.

Whatever you decide to do, you know you are well supported here by people who care.

dollybeads

Thank you Pink Angel, you are right, this happens nearly every month for everything, My son and DIL both work, but have quite small wages, they ask for help most months, and i usually give them up to £200.00 per month, they always say they will pay back, but i have never chased them or asked them to pay up. But I have realised that by doing this all I am doing is encouraging them along the debt route by enabling them to live beyond their means. If they planned and set a budget they should be able to manage (in truth they probably have more disposable income than I have, although I earn a great deal more I also have a great deal more debt and currently paying for two homes). I think I will give her the money but will state that this time it is a loan and I will need her to pay this back over the next couple of months. I am also going to bite the bullet and let them know that I am not able to do this in future, as i just can't afford it. my DIL is quite a tricky character and I am sure this will cause some problems, but just need to be brave and let them know the true situation. I have put them onto this site re budgeting, and Old Style ideas and meal planning etc, and have offered to help them set up budgets etc so fingers crossed.

This type of behaviour is not uncommon for me, paying for other peoples holidays, meals out, drinks etc etc, when I can't really afford it for myself let alone anyone else! This sounds really dumb but is less about the money and more about how I feel about myself I guess.

Anyway, no more of that from now on.

Thanks for your post and hope things are going well for you too.

Have a great weekend Dolly x

Pink-Angel

dollybeads wrote: »

Thank you Pink Angel, you are right, this happens nearly every month for everything, My son and DIL both work, but have quite small wages, they ask for help most months, and i usually give them up to £200.00 per month, they always say they will pay back, but i have never chased them or asked them to pay up. But I have realised that by doing this all I am doing is encouraging them along the debt route by enabling them to live beyond their means. If they planned and set a budget they should be able to manage (in truth they probably have more disposable income than I have, although I earn a great deal more I also have a great deal more debt and currently paying for two homes). I think I will give her the money but will state that this time it is a loan and I will need her to pay this back over the next couple of months. I am also going to bite the bullet and let them know that I am not able to do this in future, as i just can't afford it. my DIL is quite a tricky character and I am sure this will cause some problems, but just need to be brave and let them know the true situation. I have put them onto this site re budgeting, and Old Style ideas and meal planning etc, and have offered to help them set up budgets etc so fingers crossed.

This type of behaviour is not uncommon for me, paying for other peoples holidays, meals out, drinks etc etc, when I can't really afford it for myself let alone anyone else! This sounds really dumb but is less about the money and more about how I feel about myself I guess.

Anyway, no more of that from now on.

Thanks for your post and hope things are going well for you too.

Have a great weekend Dolly x

Hello Dolly,

It sounds as if you've really things through, and good for you in biting the bullet and saying it can't continue. It may not be an easy conversation, but I'm sure you will feel relieved once it's happened. If your DIL does become awkward, just rememeber how generous you have been and that she has no right to expect regular money from you. You have your own financial commitments, and actually the fact that the cost of living is constantly going u can add weight to your expalanation. There is no shame is saying you can't afford it. The opposite in fact, you should be proud of how you are doing in taking control of your debts and sorting things out. Part of that may well be saying you can't afford to help people in the way you have before - there are so many ways we can show how caring we are that doesn't involve money. It is nice to help others, and it does make us feel better about ourselves when we can, so I can understand that.

I hope the conversation goes ok. Remember you are actually doing them a favour in encouraging them to budget and that we can't always have what we want, when we want it. (That's how so many of us end up in the mess!!)

Take good care of yourself and have a good weekend x:)