Debts and relationship

debtshurt

Good evening

I wanted to find out if anyone on MSE has experienced backing off relationships because of debts. When I was in debts I was depressed and felt that if i entered a relationship it would mean pretending to be happy. I also felt that when you're in a relationship you tend to spend on presents/little gifts and going out.
The other thing is that although i do want to get married and have children I thought it was too much of a financial burden whilst i was in debt.

Has anyone else felt that way? How do people who are in a relationship or married cope with debt?

MFWannabe

I think also on the other side of things; i believe some people stay in relationships because of debt, because they would not be able to live seperately

weeclick

I know I did - my situation is completely different though because I was in a relationship that I didnt want to be in as I just didnt love him anymore, but the stress of working on the relationship as well as other financial problems was a strain and was made very obvious so we split up recently. I think though I could cope in another relationship its just a case of being in the right relationship!

Conker2008

Err , yes, im in a extremely rocky relationship now due to an old debt obtained with my ex wife finding me. been told that if the balifs come in and remove any of her kids stuff she will have lost all respect for me essentially ending the relationship.

Great how you can 'be there' for someone time and time again, but, when you need them you find yourself not only alone but working against them

**Amy**

I have always been on the other side, where I paid an ex b/fs old debts (not massive ones, but enough!) and he never paid me back, and he also left me with debts.

I never conciously stopped myself entering a relationship because of my debts, but I was definately embaressed by them, and I tried to cover myself a lot by spending money on clothes and going out even though I couldnt afford it.

I have since realised that this approach is not great, and having met my current partner (who had debts from a previous relationship) I have been open and honest with him, and him with me, which has made things a lot easier to talk about and deal with together (although we dont pay each others debts, we know about them etc.).

Sorry... waffling again!!

x

little_h_2

debt effectively ended my relationship, i had lots and was honest with him, he had even more and lied through his teeth constantly for the best part of 2 years. i cancelled our wedding and it was a very unpleasant few months which i am only just getting past now.

it wasnt the debt that finished us off, it was the lying and deceiving that went with it, and who else knew and how i found out.

we are having some counselling now to see about working things out, but there is only a future for us if he has really changed his ways. it is very hard, but because of my experience i would only advise total honesty about money. my ex bf's lies affected my financial decisions too and it has cost me pretty dear sadly. i am at the age where a 5 year IVA (his) could mean it will be too late for children once its paid off. who knows what's round the corner of course, but it has upset me immensely as i was planning to get out of debt and then see how i felt about kids. i didn't know what he was hiding and the impact it would have on me.

if i go into a new relationship it will be with complete honesty about my situation. i am not one for splashing the cash to impress or be over-generous any more, so i will have to get by on my engaging personality instead :rotfl: i have learnt the value of money and how to have a very good time on not a lot of cash so am optimistic for the future

debtshurt

FREEZ wrote: »

I think also on the other side of things; i believe some people stay in relationships because of debt, because they would not be able to live seperately

Freez, this is the most common situation i have found around me: staying in a relationship to be able to have someone else to share the financial burden. The Financial Times once had an advertising campaign, their posters said that money is the number one issue for break-ups.

debtshurt

little_h wrote: »

debt effectively ended my relationship, i had lots and was honest with him, he had even more and lied through his teeth constantly for the best part of 2 years. i cancelled our wedding and it was a very unpleasant few months which i am only just getting past now.

it wasnt the debt that finished us off, it was the lying and deceiving that went with it, and who else knew and how i found out.

we are having some counselling now to see about working things out, but there is only a future for us if he has really changed his ways. it is very hard, but because of my experience i would only advise total honesty about money. my ex bf's lies affected my financial decisions too and it has cost me pretty dear sadly. i am at the age where a 5 year IVA (his) could mean it will be too late for children once its paid off. who knows what's round the corner of course, but it has upset me immensely as i was planning to get out of debt and then see how i felt about kids. i didn't know what he was hiding and the impact it would have on me.

if i go into a new relationship it will be with complete honesty about my situation. i am not one for splashing the cash to impress or be over-generous any more, so i will have to get by on my engaging personality instead :rotfl: i have learnt the value of money and how to have a very good time on not a lot of cash so am optimistic for the future

Little_h, it took me so long to get out of debts (8 years) that i dread ever finding myself in a situation where the other person had 'hidden' debts, it was too much of a struggle making repayments that I don't want to do this all over again.

MFWannabe

If i were you i wouldn't be scared to enter a relationship because of debts but i would always be completely honest with a new partner regarding financial problems etc
As many people on here will tell you; and as some of the people above have stated; it's lies and deceit that end relationships.