How can I tactfully tell my uncle I don't want him to give me away?

Icey77

Morning

My uncle has found out via my cousin on facebook that I am getting married. It's difficult to get hold of my uncle generally as he is always travelling around the US and checks emails infrequently.

My Dad died a few years ago and I'd rather have a close family friend give me away than my uncle. I've talked to my Mum about it and she is happy with my choice of family friend.

My uncle is OK in small doses but can be on the obnoxious side and could try to take over the whole event in my Dads absence.

Quite honestly, if he couldn't make it over it would be a shame but we wouldn't be too overly bothers. Gawd, this makes me sound a really nasty person. Honestly I'm not, I'm just not that keen on him, especially on the idea of him giving me away.

So, when I call him later (now that I have a number for where he is at the moment) how do I tell him that he isn't going to be giving me away if he assumes he will be?

Any advice would be greatly appreicated!
Thanks

kalaika

Icey77 wrote: »

...how do I tell him that he isn't going to be giving me away if he assumes he will be?

Make it clear that you would love him to be there (even if that's not necessarily the case), but just make sure you get in first about your friend before he raises it.

"I'm so excited about the wedding and there's so much to organise. I'm thrilled that Jimminibob has agreed to give me away, he's been great since Dad died but there's still so much to do. We are still looking at venues so we don't know how many people will be coming, but I would love for you to come and it would be great if you could make it..."

etc

huzzer84

Firstly, your uncle should not assume anything! It should be difficult enough for him to step into your dad's shoes that he should be seriously honoured for you to ask him, rather than assuming that you would. Therefore, there's no need to mention the subject of giving away unless your uncle asks or otherwise implies that it will naturally be him.

However, if you do mention it then be honest, say how much that family friend means to you, got on well with your dad(?), don't want to upset any other uncles you might have(?), suggest that you've been trying to contact him but haven't been able to and you're needing to finalise plans, try not to be negative about him but you don't see each other very often, want someone from outside the family as no one could replace your dad so better to have someone from outside.

Do stress that he is very much welcome to your wedding - I would hope that being a guest is enough of an honour and exciting enough in itself.

Just throwing some thoughts your way.

Icey77

Thanks very, very much!

Hopefully it won't even be an issue and I'm panicing fro no reason but I shall take the suggestions and get it in there first!
:beer:

McKneff

Icey77 wrote: »

Thanks very, very much!

Hopefully it won't even be an issue and I'm panicing fro no reason but I shall take the suggestions and get it in there first!
:beer:

I think youre right, i see absolutely no reason for you to think that he will assume he is going to give you away.

Icey77;s post is the best advice.

Good luck for the day.

jennyiow

I am having a similar dilema. My parents split up when I was just a few months old and my mum re married quite soon after so I've always lived with my stepdad. When I was younger I saw my dad every few weeks but now it's about once every 2 or 3 months. To me it feels more natural that my stepdad should give me away but I'm not sure how/if to broach the subject with my dad!

karen_newcastle

jennyiow wrote: »

I am having a similar dilema. My parents split up when I was just a few months old and my mum re married quite soon after so I've always lived with my stepdad. When I was younger I saw my dad every few weeks but now it's about once every 2 or 3 months. To me it feels more natural that my stepdad should give me away but I'm not sure how/if to broach the subject with my dad!

Can you ask both of them to give you away? I am a wedding photographer and I've seen this done before a few times as your situation is no uncommon.

McKneff

Brilliant idea from Karen-Newcastle - eeeh it takes a geordie eh...........:D;)

cuthbert_the_octopus

Why not ask your mum to give you away?

Icey77

Well, to update ...

I called my Uncle yesterday. Overall it wasn't a great call but I wasn't expecting it to be ...

First he wasn't exactly quick with the congratulations, it took several minutes before there was a grudging congrats.

Secondly he complained that March will be cold in London, too bad - not much I can do about that.

I took the suggested approach of saying all the "so much to arrange, I've asked a good friend of Dad's to give me away yadda yadda yadda". There was a distinct change in his tone after that which makes me (and my Mum who was there) think he was assumming he would give me away.

He then asked where he could stay. My mum has my gran staying so I had run it by my sister and BIL. They offered their second bedroom for the weekend. But they will be having work starting on that room the monday after the wedding. I tried to be clear about what was on offer without making it sound like a "like it or lump it" thing.

Then he stated he would bring one of his girlfriends with him and I was horrified! It simply didn't occur to me that he would assume to bring a girlfriend that I've or any of my family not met before.

I had to tell him I hadn't even thought about that, I was really sorry but I simply didn't have enough room in the formal lunch following the wedding for an additional guest.

Overall he's clearly not impressed but as I rarely hear from him and haven't seen him in the last 5+ years I don't feel too bothered. As my sister pointed out - it's my wedding and my job is to have the day I want not the day that everyone else wants (within reason obviously!)

Thanks for listening to me rant!

IC :beer:

LEJC

well at least you now know where you stand with your uncle...if you want to be polite and maintain contact regarding the wedding you could send him an invitation but with no mention of +1.That way he cant say that he is being excluded from the celebrations...If it were me I would also include a list of reasonably priced hotels in your area eg travelodge,HI express..together with their website details should he wish to book a room.The chances are that he wont bother attending the wedding but he wont be able to say its because he wasn't invited...