Living with the shame : how to keep my self esteem

fredandpenny

Is it shame I feel or just a whole host of ghastly emotions. One moment life feels good and the next it feels dark and scary.There are days when I ask myself how did I get here in this mess again!!!! I know my childhood role models certainly had an influence on me and the decisions I make, don't get me wrong , I'm not trying to push the blame or justify the shame. I accept it was me and only me who spent , lent and sent the money.
Having taken my siblings advice to reclaim the bank charges I visited this web site. I had heard so much about it and indeed my own offspring often referred to it, so here i am today, browsing through other people's threads and for the first time ever writing one of my own. I'm not sure what I am doing but I think I understand why i am doing it; I feel isolated, alone and pretty scared about the not just the present but the future too.
I am in massive debt, I have nothing to show for it, no wonderful memories ( well maybe a few) no real understanding of how the hell it happened. I say I have earnt the right to take things a little bit easier, I have spent a life time helping others , giving my time and energy and compassion to make other people's lives richer.But the truth is I feel a fraud because my debt is ( was) my dark secret...but it is out now because I am using this forum to relieve myself of my burden. My debt is massive and often feels overwhelming BUT I am addressing it , I do have a DMP , it has been a bit precarious at times, I messed up my 'new' bank account and presently don't know if I will have a bank account next week ( I have pleaded with them), I have submitted a claim for bank charges refund and I do have a permanent job SO actually things aren't as scary as they sometimes feel.
What I owed when I set up the DMP £104,000.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes little ole me owed that much .What I owe now £79,000.000. How I messed up the new bank account ... on-line gambling, believing it would resolve all my problems in a second HAHHA all I did was keeping depositing to my gambling account and I did not leave enough money in the bank to pay the DD's. Stupid Stupid Stupid. How much did I request the bank repay me: £13,874.00 YEP that what they had charged me over the last 5 years and I do believe it was these charges that helped spiral me out of control and in to the mess i am now in.
There it is done and said , all out in the domain of the WWW.
Well Done me.... GOSH I feel too scared to press the button to submit, I feel there may be consequences I don't want to face.Be brave I tell myself , it is only a post with the TRUTH written on it , go on go on , do it post the thread. I feel sick in my stomach............

chevalier

Hi there
Well done on posting. Whilst I commend you wanting to pay back the debt, was there a particular reason for not going bankrupt? The only reason I ask is that I would have thought with that level of debt, it will take a looooong time to pay back on a DMP?

Sorry to hear you have fell foul of online gambling. I had a brush with this, and it was terrifying how easy it was to run through money I couldn't really afford - and mine is was only a few 100! I would suggest whilst you are feeling strong, you get yourself permanently banned from all gambling sites. Takes away the ease of it.

good luck with your continuing journey
chev

Wordsmith

Well done for posting - the hard and scary part is done! Keep up the posting and it will help you get through the dark times - there are lots of people here who will offer sympathy/advice/a kick up the behind when you need it. It seems like you have already made great inroads into addressing and paying off the debt - now don't face the rest of the journey alone. If you read through the other threads you will find many people with the same fears and you will also find lots of positivity and inspiration to keep going.

Are your online gambling days well and truly behind you? There is a thread on here somewhere where there are others who have suffered or who are suffering with gambling addiction and you may find it helpful to read through that.

Good luck - and stick with us.

fredandpenny

Thank you both for your responses, I'm not to sure what I am doing in terms of posting etc need to find time to look at how to do it.Time, another thing I don't have enough off. I'm a grandmother to 3, I work full time and I look after my mum who has advanced dementia. The joys of getting older hey...

I have toyed with the idea of bankruptcy on a regular basis but if I do I can't work ( wont be allowed.) I am good at my job and want to keep doing it. I know it is gonna take a few years but it can be done.
Yes fore sure I have learnt my lesson with the on line gambling and have excluded myself.

Had a letter from the bank today, they have declined to accept my complaint but I immediately sent them another letter asking them to reconsider else I will go to ombudsman have to do it whilst I am feeling strong else my self esteem will plummet and I will believe I deserve all I get.
This site is helping me already , I felt so much better today just knowing I had off loaded how I'm feeling.

I will check back in again later to browse through the posts. Once again many thanks

whyowhy_2

It's not about self-esteem, but self-respect.

Don't give up!

fredandpenny

The two do go hand in hand but when people have high self-esteem they basically feel good about themselves. They trust their choices and decisions, knowing they can always make a course correction if needed. They don't beat themselves up for mistakes, but instead use them as opportunities for learning and growth. They laugh at their foibles, accept their weakness, and honor their strengths.
To stay on course to get out of debt I need my self esteem!!!