Please help, mother of 2, don't know where I stand

Cat_belfast

I am a mother of 2 children and split up with their dad about 2yrs ago. At the start he did not see the children at all despite my efforts. I wouldn't have bothered but the kids missed him. He then took me to court for access even though I had been trying to get him to visit them but anyway before the court appearance he asked me not to mention his disability (bipolar disorder) as his family would help if he ever needed it so I agreed to this as well as the visiting days and times. This was aprox a year ago and since then he has been on time less than 10 times but the thing that annoys me most is that he has missed more days than enough. He has hardly seen them the past 2 months and when he has it has been for less than an hour a week. He should see them twice a week as well as having them 1 night at the weekend. I understand he is I'll but at the same time I am 8 months pregnant, wrecked and getting more annoyed as the days go on. He doesn't pay anything towards their upkeep and to be honest if I could have it my way I would stop all contact but can't as my children (esp the oldest) love him. I had to put up with him when we were together and feel like I'm getting it all again now that we are not. He refuses to help with even the smallest things such as picking one child up from school while I attend hospital with the other even though it is one of the days he is suposed to have them. When I got him to leave home 2yrs ago he took all my furniture and left us with nothing even though I was the only one working, it just seems he is trying his best to make things as difficult as possible for me! Any advice or suggestions would be more than welcome!

Thanks in advance
Cat

leftieM

You'll have to go through the family courts with this to get it sorted out. They may reduce access if he is unreliable.

Please do let your children see him. You chose to have children with this man and you can't change that, much as you may wish. Accept it and find a way to both be parents to your children, even if you can't stand the sight of each other. Children are the victims when parents start tit-for-tat battles over access.

wee_vee

As a mother in a similar situation (husband left a year ago, 3 yr old son, unreliable about contact, pays no maintenance) I strongly disagree with that last comment. I know several women in similar circumstances and all of us want nothing more than for our children to have good relationships with their fathers. It is not 'tit-for-tat battles over access' - these men use their children to control, upset and frighten mothers who are trying to bring up their children without the father's support.

Cat, I think you will have to accept that your ex isn't going to change and that he will continue to make things as difficult as possible for you. Once you come to terms with this you might find it easier. I think you have to stick rigidly to the contact days and times agreed by the court and document all the times he doesn't turn up or changes the arrangements so as you will have them later if needed.

You are absolutely right that you are still going through what you went through when together - this is his way of making sure of that. If you feel that it is affecting you badly I would suggest going to women's aid for advice - it has really helped me even though I was shocked when someone suggested it to me at first.

Take care, V