I'm clashing with my grown up daughter,

oysterman

I would like some advice on how to approach my daughter without it turning into a full scale row.

The problem as i see it is this. She is 20 y/old. We all work full time, she pays housekeeping to her mum. Its her inability to clear up behind & general thoughtless attitude.

This is some of the things that have annoyed me over the last week

Had a bath shaved her legs,not rinsed it out(not a major thing but every time)

Had her friends round,got one to dyed her hair(in the living room), spilt some on the carpet. Can't get the stain out.

She was going out sat night, had some friends round for a few drinks & pizza before going out(she stayed round her mates that night). I got home later on to find glasses left where they put them & mess in the kitchen where she cooked & dirty dishes.

Her favourite at the mo is to put some washing on before going to work, knowing that her mum will sort it out because she gets home first from work.

Trouble is i cant have a sensible conversation with her without her throwing a strop & that annoys me so in the end it is raised voices all round, which dosent get us anywhere.

So any advice would be appreciated

gilly41

Hi
Sorry I cant give you any helpful tips----my daughter was exactly the same. She moved out to live with her boyfriend and we get on great now!!!
I honestly couldnt have a reasonable conversation with her about her messy ways---it turned in to a blazing row every time! She now complains to me how messy her boyfriend is LOL
She is 23 and moved out at 18 when she went to Uni!
x

wigginsmum

Tell her to move out and get her own place. If she's had 20 years of her parents clearing up after her, you'll have a job on your hands getting her to change her behaviour, and only a short sharp shock will do it. It took me a while to realise the Washing-Up Fairy hadn't moved with me

Murtle

wigginsmum is right. It's either the tears and tantrums as you teach her to behave like a civilised human. Or its move out time for her ;)Stop doing things for her. If she leave the washing in the machine then leave it in there for her to deal with it. If you need the machine, dump the clothes in a basket.Leave the dirty dishes for her to clean up.Make her come back to the bathroom to clean up after herself.Good luckx

newlywed

I agree with Murtle.
Make her clean up.
leave the glasses there.
leave the washing there or if you need the machine chuck it in a basket (don't fold) and then leave it. she'll realise when she wants to wear something that she never sorted it out.

I lived at home till just recently and although mum cooked evening meal, it was up to us to sort out washing etc and clean up after ourselves. "That plate won't get up and walk to the kitchen itself" springs to mind!!

Oh and at 16 when I left school mum just stopped ironing. When I asked where something was she said in the ironing pile, you know how to iron and you're old enough to do it yourself!!!

It worked and I probably stropped but the point was made and I always did my own ironing and washing too.

elljay20

Do you support her with money in any way? If you do you could withdraw these funds from her and make her earn it by doing stuff round the house. There's no bigger motivator for teenagers than money

*zippy*

I know if I left the dirty dishes etc it wouldn't worry my DD in the least. :rolleyes:

Could you charge her for having to clean up after her, so if you spend and hour a day cleaning up, add £6 a day onto to the house keeping she needs to give you.

I think there comes a point when everyone needs their own space, any chance of her renting with a friend?

chatta

oysterman wrote:

I would like some advice on how to approach my daughter without it turning into a full scale row. I was that daughter

The problem as i see it is this. She is 20 y/old. We all work full time, she pays housekeeping to her mum. Its her inability to clear up behind & general thoughtless attitude. I never realised how unthoughtful I was, I thought they should have been grateful I paid housekeeping Tell her it doesnt include servants as well.

This is some of the things that have annoyed me over the last week

Had a bath shaved her legs,not rinsed it out(not a major thing but every time) I was never shamed really, tell her it's gross and unhygenic not just a pain for you to clean :rolleyes:

Had her friends round,got one to dyed her hair(in the living room), spilt some on the carpet. Can't get the stain out. Tell her you want the stain gone even if she has to pay for specialist cleaning. You said she works So she has to miss a night out with friends

She was going out sat night, had some friends round for a few drinks & pizza before going out(she stayed round her mates that night). I got home later on to find glasses left where they put them & mess in the kitchen where she cooked & dirty dishes. Take the lot up to her bedroom and leave them on her bed (or tell her she is banned from kitchen)

Her favourite at the mo is to put some washing on before going to work, knowing that her mum will sort it out because she gets home first from work. Put it in a basket and leave it (so easy to say I know)

Trouble is i cant have a sensible conversation with her without her throwing a strop & that annoys me so in the end it is raised voices all round, which dosent get us anywhere. Don't get wound up I had so many rows with my parents that complained after they had cleaned up after me. I should have been made to pull my weight and it was only when I left home I woke up and saw what the real world was

So any advice would be appreciated

Take deep breath and dont get into a row with her. I only learnt after I left home

loopy_lass

ok, im not saying im a guru or anythin, but i am a qualified youth worker and have got a DD of 15 myself. All i can say is i follow my own advise, which is keep the lines of communication open, remember its not forever, be honest and tell her exactly how rotten her behaviour makes you feel.

But also try and remember, other than this she is a happy, healthy, safe, sensible loved girl, and there are children out there who are abused and frightened every hour of every day, and i figure the little "irritating" blips my daughter throws at me are by comparison something i can live with.

This doesnt mean excusing her behaviour, just get it into perspective & explain time after time how it makes you feel and why, she is 20 and should understand her actions affect others. I usually say "i love you dearly child but sometimes you drive me nuts when you ....... , can you try and remember next time to pick that up etc" they have so much more interesting things to think about and consider at that age... (bless em)

cant say it will work its just my philosophy... and yes my daughter does the same things, and when i wipe out the bath and move her dishes and clothes from all over the house... i smile to myself and think "hell i would miss this if she was taken away"... i.e. holly & jessica etc.

kick back n chill out ... is my way


loops

wigginsmum

I'm afraid I'm the opposite to Loops with my stepdaughter - anything not put away gets thrown away. I tried the explaining and reasoning thing for years, but if the penny's not dropped in the 8 years I've been her stepmum, then it never will. Now I just do what I need to make sure it doesn't impact on the rest of us.

suffolkb

Don`t just leave everything.Put the lot in her bed.Dirty plates,wet laundry - everything.