Update on my friend!

poppycracker

daxon, I agree, step away from the financial side but don't feel you need to stop being there for your friend. The pressure of financial worries is horrendous, I know, I'm in the middle of it at the moment, and it's the cause of many arguements between my OH and myself, and I don't have anyone to talk to, that's why I spend so much time on here. So please don't feel you have to back away from your friend. And big hugs from me for being a great friend.

daxon

Thank you both for your kind words - they've got me in tears!
Unfortunately if he does get back with his wife it will never work if I am still around - I feel guilty because I know he talks to me about problems instead of to her. They have had a very unsettled marriage for years & i've pursuaded him to stay and battle things through - maybe it would have been better if he had left a couple of years ago, who knows. They are both bad with money, spending it as soon as they have it & sadly the kids are going to be the same way if they're not careful.
Yes, he still owes me all told from over the years problably about £1700 or so. (no, his wife doesn't know that). Can I afford to write it off? Well I'm on long term incapicity benefit so it came out of my savings so no, in a way I can't afford to write it off but I will. Sadly, this is not the first time I have lent money & never got it back..... it will be my faith in human nature which will come out of it the worst!!!
Still......... if it only helps them to get straight and on their way then, it will be worth it. Sadly I think it is going to be an uphill struggle.

Tiff_2

daxon wrote:

Thank you both for your kind words - they've got me in tears!
Unfortunately if he does get back with his wife it will never work if I am still around - I feel guilty because I know he talks to me about problems instead of to her. They have had a very unsettled marriage for years & i've pursuaded him to stay and battle things through - maybe it would have been better if he had left a couple of years ago, who knows. They are both bad with money, spending it as soon as they have it & sadly the kids are going to be the same way if they're not careful.
Yes, he still owes me all told from over the years problably about £1700 or so. (no, his wife doesn't know that). Can I afford to write it off? Well I'm on long term incapicity benefit so it came out of my savings so no, in a way I can't afford to write it off but I will. Sadly, this is not the first time I have lent money & never got it back..... it will be my faith in human nature which will come out of it the worst!!!
Still......... if it only helps them to get straight and on their way then, it will be worth it. Sadly I think it is going to be an uphill struggle.

Hi Daxon,
:hello:
This must be a terrible strain on you emotionally as well as financially angel. Well done for posting on here when you felt so low. You've been a good friend from what you have said. As hard as it is, I think it's time to make yourself less available for everyone's sake....eg., if you are on Incapacity Benefit, you can't afford to act like a bank; I assume that this must also affect other aspects of your life hun - what about your recreation time and relationships? How can all of this not affect your own health? And after all this, you always end up back at square 1 with him and everyone else is blaming you!
Your friend and his wife are adults in the way that they are responsible for their own lives and actions. Be honest with yourself angel - there isn't anything more you could have done is there? You can't save the world hun. There are many good people out there that wouldn't treat you this way. Your friend has his own destiny to fulfil and it's wrong to put you in the position of that responsiblity. If the police were involved, it is more than likely that he will be evaluated by a Mental Health professional and if there is a problem, they will help him. It may be a good idea to give Social Services a call too. I'm not saying don't be friendly to him - although that seems to him that you will bail him out whatever the problem so maybe that would be a good idea - but you have to stop the help. Listen and advise him on who he needs to see but no more than that. The help he might need should only come from the professionals angel. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but until he does that, he won't get the real help he needs. If you're at all worried about his mental health, you should contact his GP urgently. CAB are there to sort out legal and housing issues. Social Services can help too. That's all you need to do for him hun. From all you've said, he does seem to have mental ill health maybe depression, but you must contact his GP in this case so the medical teams can help. They will look out for his best interests and get other people involved to make sure he isn't taken advantage of. He's clinging to you for all the answers and that's not your job angel.

Dax, have you tried claiming for Disability Living Allowance? If so, when and how? You may be entitiled to further help financially. Please post if you need any more info on that. Mental ill health alone are grounds for qualifying - not that I'm saying that's your problem at all, just giving general info to everyone.

You've done all you can angel - time to let the professionals take over & if he won't go, that's his decision (unless he threatens suicide). Sometimes people have to get to their lowest point before they ask for the right help and right now, you are his answer to everything. Stand back a bit Daxon - once he realises that you are not going to be actively involved in his problems, he will eventually ask for the help from the right people.

Just wanted you to know you have nothing to reproach yourself for and to send you best wishes.
Tiff.

daxon

Thanks so much Tiff
It has really helped having a shoulder to cry on. (albeit a virtual one!)
I haven't heard from him for two days now - I think he must have made the decision to try again with his wife. I know he damaged his liver with his suicide attempt at the beginning of the week, I don't even know if he is still in hospital.
I am on Incap benefit for M.E. I have suffered with it since 2000 and was finished from work in management in 2002. I have once been turned down for DLA and am now in the middle of a tribunal for a claim for it again. Luckily I have now found a specialist consultant who will help me with my claim. So fingers crossed!
I know I try to save the world - I think it is just my way of helping but I do tend to do it to my own detriment. I should have learnt by now!
Anyway thank you so much for your kind words. I am being taken away for the week by my sister and her family so that will help to take my mind off things.
Thank you again

Tiff_2

daxon wrote:

Thanks so much Tiff
It has really helped having a shoulder to cry on. (albeit a virtual one!)
I haven't heard from him for two days now - I think he must have made the decision to try again with his wife. I know he damaged his liver with his suicide attempt at the beginning of the week, I don't even know if he is still in hospital.
I am on Incap benefit for M.E. I have suffered with it since 2000 and was finished from work in management in 2002. I have once been turned down for DLA and am now in the middle of a tribunal for a claim for it again. Luckily I have now found a specialist consultant who will help me with my claim. So fingers crossed!
I know I try to save the world - I think it is just my way of helping but I do tend to do it to my own detriment. I should have learnt by now!
Anyway thank you so much for your kind words. I am being taken away for the week by my sister and her family so that will help to take my mind off things.
Thank you again

Hi Dax, Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh at all but I couldn't just say there, there and not give you any hopefully helpful answers. It sounds like the professionals are involved now so that is good.
Any payment made to you by the tribunal will be backdated to the date of your original claim. It certainly sounds like you should qualify. DIAL/Welfare Rights Advisory Service/CAB are the ones that will help for free and are all experts in filling in the nightmare of a form. To anyone thinking about it, no matter how clever you are let the experts do it first time round.
FYI Dax, I was going to tribunal and DLA finally decided to change their decision a month before, which was a YEAR after I'd applied! To that point, they hadn't even contacted my dr!!!:rolleyes: I was very grateful for the backdated payment to help me. Good luck
Go and enjoy your week away hun - I also suffer from the Good Samaritan Syndrome!
Tiff

immoral_angeluk

His wife is REALLY not helping the situation at all and he needs to sort her our before she ends up getting them bankrupt.

Dolly_Smith

What made her think she could take out a £20k loan paid into her account secured against a house in his name???

someone needs to sort her out sharpish, although she's clearly the sort of charmer that will use the kids against him.

daxon

Thanks Tiff and everyone who has taken the time to answer. The situation has really got to me this time so am I glad I am going away. A week in sunny yorkshire being pushed up hills by my sister in my wheelchair is probably just what I need to 'blow the cobwebs away'. Her children are brilliant at taking my mind off things so off I go! To all you debt free wannabees - keep going, keep going, keep going!!!!!!

Tiff_2

daxon wrote:

Thanks Tiff and everyone who has taken the time to answer. The situation has really got to me this time so am I glad I am going away. A week in sunny yorkshire being pushed up hills by my sister in my wheelchair is probably just what I need to 'blow the cobwebs away'. Her children are brilliant at taking my mind off things so off I go! To all you debt free wannabees - keep going, keep going, keep going!!!!!!

Hi Daxon
The Yorkshire winds will certainly blow the cobwebs away! Going up the hills is fineJ just make sure your sister has a tight hold of the handles on the way back down! ermmm... have you thought about investing in an anchor Dax?! lol
Concentrate on you and your holiday angel and enjoy your family.
Best wishes,
Tiff