Courage and help needed

coming_clean_2

Afternoon everyone,

I've been lurking on this board for ages now and finally plucked up the courage to actually post and also face up to my debts, and im positive by me actually starting to post on here i will get the confidence to face up to my problems and come out the other side, i've seen how this board has such a positive effect on its members and hopefully it will do the same for me!

I've struggled with money ever since i can remember, i bought a house and lived alone since i was 18 and perhaps tried to become to independant to quickly, maybe if i'd stayed at home with my parents for a little longer and had some money behind me before i moved out things may of started off better..anyway, my levels of debt have fluctuated massively over the last few years, from almost nothing up to around £30k :eek: at its peak, however with various loans, re-mortgages, help from parents my debt is now at £6.5k, which although it sounds pretty manageable i need to sort it. I'm struggling to meet all the repayments at the moment but know that it would be possible within our budget, the main problem is not actually the money, its the fact that my partner is unaware of it, she actually thinks we are pretty debt free, and i've constantly lied about things that i've paid off and generally been pretty deceitful about it all. So much of me just wants to come clean, but im just so scared of what she might do if i tell her everything, i'd be devasted if anything happened to both our relationship and mine with our fantastic 2 children (boys aged 1 and 2)

As with so many DFW's this has started to consume my life, living in fear of the postman (i even get mail sent to my parents now),im feeling so exhausted by it all that i'm struggling to stay awake during the day! my behaviour has become distant and my OH recognises this and probably thinks im having an affair. Its affecting everything, relationships with family, friends, and my performance at work, i just dont have any enthusiasm any more.

Im determined to sort it out but its just the telling my partner thing that im so scared about, im crap at getting my feelings across so i've just written a huge letter explaining the situation, but just need the courage to hand it to her.

My partner is always talking about her plans for the future regarding houses, cars, children etc but until i can pluck up the courage i feel like im not going to be a part of it. I know there are some of you have been in this situation yourselves so i'd be grateful to hear how/if you've come out the other side.

littlelily

Hi Coming Clean,

Am not going to offer financial advice as I'm a newbie myself but I write as the mum of two young children. Your OH obviously suspects something is up and probably suspects (in roughly this order!) 1. You're already having an affair 2. You're thinking of having an affair 2. You've already had an affair and are plucking up courage to come clean. So, in the grand scheme of things, I'm sure she'll be mighty relieved that the problem is "only" debt!

The other wise people on the board will be along soon to offer plenty of advice, but I just wanted to say chin up and well done for taking the first step

Biddyrolo

Well done for posting, you probably feel a bit better already. I've never been in this position but I think if I was my opening gambit would be to ask for her help and then explain the situation. I wish you all the best x

Bambywamby

If I was your g/f - I would want to know everything so we could deal with the situation together.

She will be more hurt if you keep lying - and you never know she might just be relieved that it isn't another woman.

However tell her at the right time - kiddles are in bed, chilling down watching tv/glass of wine etc

Good luck x

Mizz_Pink

You need to tell your partner, she will be hurt and upset if you dont tell her. I'm sure she will understand and want to help you sort it out.

Best of luck.

FrugalJo

CC
Look how far you've come from 30k to 6k, well done. Tell her, you obviously love her and she will be relieved it's debt thats distracting you, honest.

pounds_and_pensive

Be sure to stress the fact that your problem has been very much worse, and that you do have a concrete plan for eliminating it altogether. It's the 'Oh my God, things have never been this bad and I don't know what to do' announcements that are the ones that usually cause the most problems.

Let her know that while you see financial security as an important part of your future, you see the presence of her and the kids in it as central. I imagine money hasn't exactly been rolling about at home while you've been dealing with the debt, and expect a lot of the plans she makes rely on better times to come. Perhaps there will be regrettable scenes initially, but I think that after the dust has settled she'll be much happier to know where the obstacles really are in the race to fulfil the family dreams, and when to expect the finish line.

Good luck

mintymoneysaver

Tell her.Even though I get a bit cross ith my OH if he spends money, I'd be far more upset if he owed some and didn't tell me.We women are made of strong stuff you know and a trouble shared is a trouble halved....