Support needed!

coming_clean_2

Afternoon everyone,

I've been lurking on this board for ages now and finally plucked up the courage to actually post and also face up to my debts, and im positive by me actually starting to post on here i will get the confidence to face up to my problems and come out the other side, i've seen how this board has such a positive effect on its members and hopefully it will do the same for me!

I've struggled with money ever since i can remember, i bought a house and lived alone since i was 18 and perhaps tried to become to independant to quickly, maybe if i'd stayed at home with my parents for a little longer and had some money behind me before i moved out things may of started off better..anyway, my levels of debt have fluctuated massively over the last few years, from almost nothing up to around £30k :eek: at its peak, however with various loans, re-mortgages, help from parents my debt is now at £6.5k, which although it sounds pretty manageable i need to sort it. I'm struggling to meet all the repayments at the moment but know that it would be possible within our budget, the main problem is not actually the money, its the fact that my partner is unaware of it, she actually thinks we are pretty debt free, and i've constantly lied about things that i've paid off and generally been pretty deceitful about it all. So much of me just wants to come clean, but im just so scared of what she might do if i tell her everything, i'd be devasted if anything happened to both our relationship and mine with our fantastic 2 children (boys aged 1 and 2)

As with so many DFW's this has started to consume my life, living in fear of the postman (i even get mail sent to my parents now),im feeling so exhausted by it all that i'm struggling to stay awake during the day! my behaviour has become distant and my OH recognises this and probably thinks im having an affair. Its affecting everything, relationships with family, friends, and my performance at work, i just dont have any enthusiasm any more.

Im determined to sort it out but its just the telling my partner thing that im so scared about, im crap at getting my feelings across so i've just written a huge letter explaining the situation, but just need the courage to hand it to her.

My partner is always talking about her plans for the future regarding houses, cars, children etc but until i can pluck up the courage i feel like im not going to be a part of it. I know there are some of you have been in this situation yourselves so i'd be grateful to hear how/if you've come out the other side.

Bambywamby

If I was your g/f - I would want to know everything so we could deal with the situation together.

She will be more hurt if you keep lying - and you never know she might just be relieved that it isn't another woman.

However tell her at the right time - kiddles are in bed, chilling down watching tv/glass of wine etc

Good luck x

dottyanne

hi coming_clean and a big hug and welcome!! I was in the exact same position as you in March although lots were joint debts my OH didnt know the full extent and that i just couldnt keep up the payments etc.......i worried myself sick and finally thought - how much worse can it get - life felt unbearable at that time anyway!!

Anyway I printed out everything and sat my hubby down and showed him the debts - payments due- outstanding payments etc and he was great - he said we were both responsible and that we would deal with this together.

I guess i didnt want to worry him or feel that id done such a !!!!ty job with the finances but i realised it wasnt all my doing and now were plodding along ok.

Just tell her - pluck up the courage and do it - print everything out if needs be and let her look and digest, my debts are around £31,900 now but were a lot worse, yours arent that bad and with both of you working together youll do it

dottyx

pms

Hi Coming_Clean

The best thing to do is tell your OH, trust me when I say you will feel so much better after you have talked about it with her. I went through hiding my debts from my parents and was encouraged by the great people of this forum to tell them about it, after telling them I felt aweful because I had hid it and lied to them about my money problems for so long and they were angry but have now calmed down. I now feel so much better and have a more positive outlook on how to deal with everything as I have the support of the people I love the most.

Good Luck

scaredwitless_3

I finally told my OH about our full situation at the weekend. I had been soooo scared I was a complete wreck. It wasn't how I had planned it but it turned out much better than I had thought it would. Yes he was shocked, hurt and angry but like dottyanne said, he accepted that we were both responsible and that we both needed to sort it out. I now feel more at ease with him & strangely enough we are getting on better than we have done for months!