Don't all rush at once...

FTW

http://www.cabotfinancial.com/careers/1

Well, my covering letter and CV are in. Had one drawn up a few months ago (when it was a lean period for me) for when I applied for AIC.

COVERING LETTER

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have enclosed my CV, in reference to any posts you may have available.

My key points are that I am quarrelsome, fascistic, entirely without moral fibre, am totally unable to comprehend any opposing point of view, cannot answer questions, have complete blissful ignorance in legal matters, and do not listen.

I am, in every sense, a drone, and I think you'll agree that this makes me ideal for any relevant posts you may have available for a telephone based collections agent.

Especially so, in light of the fact that I am equally as unentitled to exist in society, as your firm is unentitled to trade as a legitimate company within it.

I like money, lard, sugar, alcopops, baked beans, uppers, battleship grey, my glass smoking pipe, and I work consistently to maintain my spherical, repulsive shape, chlorine gas complexion, and pronounced bodily stench.

So much so, that others cannot endure to get within 50 yards of me, and I am actively hoping to increase this to 60.

I also canvas for the BNP in my spare time, keep my literary tastes high with a complete collection of 'Juggs-Tastic', and have a passion for interior design, with a finely tuned increased emphasis on dehumanisation and strange wallpaper stains.

My organisational skills in this respect will help me keep my immediate working area in an appropriately cluttered and bilious condition, thus entirely befitting your corporate image – thereby earmarking me as an ideal candidate for a fly-by-night collection agency.

Because I am wholly unsuited to any kind of gainful, helpful or constructive work, I am all but totally unemployable by any vaguely respectable establishment.

Further to which, you will also be pleased to know that I present a style-lapsed unprofessional image and Ed Flanders rictus grin at all times - thereby emphasising my utter ineptitude.


Being of singularly drab and awful disposition, I believe that my uniquely vile characteristics and self-serving deviancy is ideally suited to fit in well with standard company procedure.

I shall, of course, endeavour to sustain the company's rapidly expanding reputation of being marginally more unpopular than the most malignant forms of aggressive social diseases.

I also intend to set a shining example as an employee - of being pre-judged as an increasingly pathetic, malleable, and easily exploitable figure of absolute derision.

In turn, this will further enhance company growth in being regarded as fundamentally dishonest in nature, totally inconsequential to society as a whole, and of being universally despised as a result.

The fact that my overall demeanour is coarse, vulgar, unreasonable, brutal, ill-mannered, discriminatory, and mean-spirited, I feel makes a much stronger case for my selection, as do my predilections for pure abject greed, hare-trigger pettiness, and talent for generating meaningless gibberish onto poorly pre-drafted bulk-print letters..

Therefore, your company need not take the trouble to strip away any last vestiges of humanity or soul through thankless and unproductive toil.

I am presently fully de-motivated and deadened to any human emotional aspects, including charity, the need to present common courtesy, or the intrinsic desire for independent thought.

I have, by and large, been regarded with absolute contempt by society overall, as well as my being a person of no actual worth whatsoever.

As such, I have since learned to live with this miserable, soul-destroying fact, finding my outlet in using unwarranted, psychopathic antagonism towards the general public.

My suitability for collection work is further illustrated by my holding life membership in ‘The Matthew Hopkins Fellowship of Law Society’, and I am guided by its principal motto “Wild Accusation Is All…Evidence Is Null”.

Within a very short space of time, I am confident of proving myself a worthy asset to your firm. I am certain that I am already imbued with the means to achieve the high standards of behaviour expected of me as a collections agent – belligerent and ignorant by the general public, and impossibly obsequious by my immediate superiors, of whom I will unhesitatingly pander 110% to their wildly over-inflated sense of their own self-importance.

My previous employers can proudly attest to my clearly evident absence of intelligence, my absolute pointlessness as an individual, and indeed the total lack of any self-respect, or trace of any socially redeeming or positive virtues whatsoever.

Some of these posts have been through companies of minor authority or of a reasonably high standing within the marketplace – and it therefore comes as a relief that your firm has precisely none of this.

I am also undemanding as far as salary expectations go, and having read through your advertisement, it’s just as well that I am.

Also, I do plan to forge a very long career with your company, being that your massively high turnover is a constant problem for you.

Please do not send written notification - like your staff, I do not read letters, as I am unsure how to best respond to them without attracting unnecessary attention from the Office of Fair Trading.

Telephone contact is also not a feasible option, being that my telephone manner can best be described as confrontational and obstructive.

Plus, I would need to take security details from you (including a 16 digit Alphanumeric reference number) before I can accept or discuss any such contact. However, that aspect can safely be disregarded, provided you have your debit or credit card details to hand.

Thank you for reading, I look forward to hearing from you, and my application remains valid even if not read by you.


Yours truly
A. Bundy (Mrs, deceased)

My CV

Name : Mine or yours?

Address : In a house somewhere

Tel Number : I can never remember

DOB : Unsure. Don't know who my parents are either, though I was told they swapped me for a bottle of meths.

Health : Good, if you don't count sexual dysfunction, snowstorm dandruff, blood pressure (currently stable at -150 degrees), heart problems (due to it being made of rock granite), early middle-age spread, and the fact that my head begins to hurt if I have to think.

Also, chronic all-over body acne may make it painful for me to sit for long periods, and I may need the assistance of two others to help me out of my seat again.

I am on medication for the above, and am prescribed one bag of glue directly before and after a working day.

Qualifications : Qualifi-what?

Previous Jobs : Car thief, protection racketeer, nightclub bouncer, traffic warden, Rossendales bailiff, the DWP Pension Denial Division, Daily Mail comments editor, plus a brief spell in Extraordinary Rendition transportation. All fired due to crass incompetence.

Hobbies and Interests :

Art - Using Photoshop to imitate legal documents.

Archery - Marksmanship level in bent paper clips and elastic bands.

Model making - I have won prizes for my aerodynamic paper aeroplane designs.

Foreign languages – I hold fluency in lies and incoherent psychobabble.

Elementary dressmaking - Specialising in hats and brooches made from marker pens and un-forwarded CCA requests.

Baking – My speciality is sugar-coated doughnuts, marinated within a subtly suspicious-looking package.

Film-making – I am a keen improvisational Cin!ma V!rit! director, and have made many acclaimed works all themed on the Collection Sector. Such titles include ‘Shaft(ed)’, ‘Get (Brian) Carter’, ‘Big Joke’, ‘Waking Neds’, ‘The Long Unprofitable Friday’, ‘Sore Throat’, Fiend Without a Heart’, ‘Moribund Sex Lives of the Collection Men’, ‘When a Stranger Abusively Calls’, ‘Foreclosure’, ‘Debt and Buried’, ‘Carlton-Browne of the F.O.S’, ‘Scamelot’, ‘No-Money Train’, ‘The Sixth Pence’, ‘Dogged Day Afternoon’, ’12 Angry Customers’, 'IQOR - 120 Days of Sodall', ‘Report to the (Information) Commissioner’, ‘Raiders of the Lost CCA’, ‘Shares On A Planecrash’, ‘McKenzie – A Suitable Case For Liquidation‘, ‘C.C.J on Company’, ‘The Taking of Consumer Credit Licence 123’, ‘Bloodsucking Leeches in Salford’, ‘The Man With No Brains’, ‘Love and a P45’, ‘Around the Bend in 80 Seconds’, ‘The Mancunian Reprobate’, and numerous others.

Hang-gliding – Beats hanging from a third floor office window any day.

Photography - I possess a full portfolio of model shots of unwitting work experience girls in various disinterested stances, plus one detailing a collection of easily reproducible signatures.

I also hold a Masters Degree in number crunching, though in the current and immediate future climate, I accept that there will be considerably reduced demand for this.

Awards and Commendations : The Iron Cross, Totenkopf 1st Class. Both awarded for bravery under the fire of 100 angry wrong numbers, and fighting sleep in the course of a quiet working day.

Private Memberships : The Einsatzgruppen for the Insolvent, Aktion T4 for the Poor, DINA for the Won’t Pays, NKVD for Minimum Income Earners, Unit 731 for Benefits Claimants, The State Research Bureau for Those Who Know Their Rights, ATOS Healthcare, the BNP, New Labour, the Credit Services Association, the ConDem Alliance.

References : Available on request. May need repeated hammer blows to the cranial area, or shocks from a car battery to my temples in order for me to recall full contact details.

WRINKLES

I am speechless , you have got the job just the chap we were looking for .

Ames

I love it, especially the previous jobs and private memberships.

FTW

Oh, and it looks like Lowell are also taking on. Might be time to whack that CV and covering letter there also. Anyway who wants to use that letter and CV for either (or any DCA) post, that's OK with me. Submitting jokey CVs may be a way of preventing such companies from taking on and thereby, effectively crippling them.

http://www.lowellgroup.co.uk/better-jobs.html

There are two parts of the job description that really stuck out with the Lowell ad.

1. "Contact delinquent customers and assertively communicate to obtain payment promises from debtors." - 'Delinquent'? As in 'drunken anti-social'? I thought that applied to the staff. 'Assertively'? Lowell haven't quite mastered the difference between 'assertive' and 'confrontational'.

2. "Follow-up on payment promises to secure on-going arrangements and firmly re-negotiate with debtors who have broken payment plans." - 'Promises'? Depends if the 'debtor' had ever made any 'promises' and if they did, then they weren't made originally with Lowell.

3. "IT literate" - Asking Lowell staff to be literate in any way is setting their sights far too high.


Oh, and it looks like Mucky Balls and Robbingscum Way are also taking on. Don't forget to tell them I sent you :-

http://careers.mackenziehall.co.uk/

http://www.robinson-way.com/Careers.aspx

climbintheladderouttadebt

OO!! I need a job! Call centre work's perfect seeing as I'm about to have baby number 2! I'll sneak in and wipe your debts off guys! lovl!

Miss_Poohs

Im so tempted........................can you imagine the chaos!! snigger

Marisco

:rotfl:Brilliant FTW:rotfl:

Luckystepho

That is so funny!!

FTW

Well, like I said, if anyone wants to use them to apply for jobs with these companies, you're very welcome to do so. If someone wants to send 500 applications for the same job, they can - I won't quibble.

BigCraigJohn

Whistle blower anyone?

FTW

Let's just say I've worked with several collection agencies (not doing call work), and it strikes me how unprofessional and unethical they are.

Therefore, they deserve all of the turmoil and strife they bring on themselves.