Secret debt - not anymore

JoS1972

Hi all

After recently reading several threads (especially sarahdebtbuster) about secret debt and having a serious LBM I decided that I need to come clean with OH after all these years and admit that I was just over £8,500 in debt and that I no longer could sort it on my own.

After then finding every excuse I could over the past two weeks I eventually told him last night.

Well after imagining every possible scenario in my head I have to say the one scenario I didn't imagine was the one that I got.

He was amazing , he has known for years that something hasn't been right (maybe me not opening my post until he had gone to work was a clue). He said last night that even though he has tried on numerous occasions to broach the subject with me, he had to wait for me to come to him. I always became defensive if he ever discussed money, not anymore .

We sat down and have gone through everything, and whilst not a pretty picture, its something we are working through as a team, something we should have done years ago, see another LBM :T.

He told me this morning that he went to work last night and went through every emotion going, not surprising really, its not everyday that you find out your wife has been lying to you.

All I can say is thank you to all the amazing threads out there, they really helped me reach my LBM and then gave me the strength to own up.

I know that I have been very lucky in the way he reacted and that I am sure for the next umpteen years I won't be able to moan about him playing rugby or watching the discovery channel :rotfl:, but I really wanted to share my story in the hope that maybe it might give someone else the courage to do the same.

I slept right through for the first time last night and have woken this morning, still in debt, still feeling absolutley gutted that I have broken the trust of my best friend and soul mate, but without the feeling of being on my own.

Today is the start of the rest of my life, I'm 2 years away from being 40 and will turn 40 with little or no debt. I'm now off to start tackling the DCA, and tonight I will go home and tell OH how I got on.

LuckyBiscuit

Well done you!!!!!

and don't forget we are all here for you to...........

Good luck, Oh and i relate to the 40 thing, ive just thought AAAAHHH!!!!! Im going to be 40 in 3 yrs Right, get off my bum i want to be debt free by then, so thanks for the kick up the bum~
Maybe we should start a debt free by 40 thread!!!!! LOL!!!!

TMVen XXX

RAS

Lovely to hear how well it went.

make sure you tell hubby how amazing he is and how gutted you feel but how much it has helped no being "on your own".

I once had to admit that I had allowed my ex to beleive something that was not true. he spent the next few days double checking that other things I had allowed him to think were true. So expect it to take a bit of time to work through.

JoS1972

Thank you both for your kind words.

I know how lucky I am to have a hubby that is helping me tackle this head on, some people aren't so lucky.

Apart from so many other lessons I am taking away from this whole situation, the one that is standing out for me most is the fact that I want our daughter to hear and see mum and dad working together as a team when it comes to our finances, see I'm slowly getting the hang of saying us and ours .

For so many years, in fact its only changed in the last year, I have seen my mum struggle. Her and my dad divorced when I was 5 and she's made some very dodgey choices in men, which resulted in her hidding from DCA and eventually having CCJ's against her. She then met my wonderful step father who knew about the CCJ's, he also came with some financial baggage, to the outside world they seemed to work through it together, in fact she was dealing with all the financial stuff herself as she couldn't quite trust him and he was happy for her to do that, after what the other two men (I use that word very losely) put her through no-one could blame her. However this resulted in them clearing off all debts and then going back down that slippery road very quickly. This time she hid it from him for years and as said has really only just clean in the last year.

Now please don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my mum, far from it, she never forced me into taking out that payday loan (oh no sorry 4 payday loans) but I do wonder how much, if any, stems from my past.

All I know is as of today our daughter (and anyone else that cares to listen) will hear and see us working it out together, she'll no longer see me hiding letters.

humblepii

I recently had my LBM so I'm new here too, but just wanted to say how touched I was reading your post, JoS1972. I split from my husband in 2008 and realised that I'd racked up God-knows how much credit card debt (I never used to open letters either), all in my name, much of it spent on trying to make him happy. I'm comfortably on my way to clearing it now - spurred on by the fact that we're currently divorcing and I don't want it hanging over me like a ghost - but to hear that you and your OH are dealing with your debts as a partnership is amazing, and absolutely the kind of honest, we-can-deal-with-anything-together sort of relationship I think anyone would want to have.

And for the record, I do think that we learn so much from our parents. Oddly, my mum was always very organised with money but didn't explicitly tell me anything about managing it. She always had a purse full of credit cards, so I guess the message I got was that that was ok. I'll definitely be viligent about teaching any future children I might have about money management (presuming I learn how to do it well enough myself!)

Best of luck to you, I look forward to keeping up with your story

Wee_Jo

JoS, your story is fantastic - I am filling up just reading it! Your OH sounds fantastically supportive. I am lucky too, that my hubby has been brill with me, supporting me every step of the way (even when I buy us Basics loo roll....:D)

It sounds to me that your daughter will have more than just a shining example of parents who work as a team, but also a Mum who can advise her on financial matters with the experience of having made the mistakes, worked through them and come out the other end.

Don't be a stranger on the forum - get stuck into the challenges, the daily chat and the general craziness. Everyone on the DFW board is rooting for you - you will get 110% support here.


Welcome! :hello:

Jo

charliemonkeyface

well done, it can only get better from here

RenovationMan

A problem shared is a problem halved. Hopefully you'll sort this debt out quickly now that your OH is on board. Good luck!

JoS1972

Well I have today already paid off one of my debts, £110.44, I know in the grand scheme of things it may not be a lot, but to be honest before last night I didn't think I'd ever get to pay any off let alone one :j.

Just knowing that I can go home tonight and tell OH, one down nine to go :beer:. And I'm not worried about what post will be waiting for me.

LuckyBiscuit

Well done!!!!!!!