Jealous Friend?

bubblyjo2010

I've been a bit of a lurker recently but could really do with some advice with regard to a friend of mine and whether I am overreacting.

I have a good friend who I have know for several years now and ever since I told her I got engaged she has been acting really funny. When I told her I had got engaged I didn';t even get a congratulations - all she said was 'what's the ring like?'!

I invited her to my engagement drinks - to which she said she would come and then it turned into a maybe and then she just didn't show up and didn't text or call etc to apologise or say she couldn't come.

I know she is desperate to get married and have children and is approaching the age where she thinks it will impossible to have children naturally and wondering if it will ever happen and I have since found out from a mutual friend that she didn't show up to this mutual friends wedding or hen night 10 years ago for no apparant reason.

I just feel really let down by her and that fact she can't be happy for me. I would have completely understood if she had said 'I'm pleased for you but finding this really difficult to talk about etc' but she hasn't.

Anyway, I am meeting her tonight and really feel I should say something to her but wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas/been through this or got any advice??

Sorry for the long post!

sammy_wheeler

i think honestly is the best policy- tell her how you feel and that you would like her to be pleased for you
at the best of the day, its your big day and noone should be upseting you or causing a scene- and this includes your good friend- if she can't be happy for you then is she really a good friend?
its not your fault she hasnt had a child or got married!




Sorry I realised that this sounded a bit harsh!-
And what I meant by 'causing a scene' was when OP said 'I have since found out from a mutual friend that she didn't show up to this mutual friends wedding or hen night 10 years ago for no apparant reason'
I felt that this would have upset the bride2be (mutual friend) and that it will also upset OP.
And like I said in my post- Honesty is the best policy. I don't believe people should skirt around the issue- lifes too short, and this is meant to be a hapy time

tamarto

sammy_wheeler wrote: »

i think honestly is the best policy- tell her how you feel and that you would like her to be pleased for you
at the best of the day, its your big day and noone should be upseting you or causing a scene- and this includes your good friend- if she can't be happy for you then is she really a good friend?
its not your fault she hasnt had a child or got married!

Wow i'm glad you're not my friend. How exactly did the friend cause a scene? You don't know what the issues are for the other girl, no one said it was OPs fault, but being friends means giving and taking.

OPs idea to talk to her friend is a good one, just be honest with her, but try not to be accusing IYKWIM, it may be that she finds it all too overwhelming.

RainbowDrops

Maybe try talking to her about her stuff.
If you think she's worried about being "too old" for the wedding family stuff, then she might find you talking about wedding stuff hard to handle.

It's easy to get swept away with the whole wedding plans, and I can see that you'd like your friend to be happy for you. However, I'm not sure if asking "why aren't you happy" is the best way to go about dealing with this.

maggie111

Not everything's about you. Perhaps your friend has issues she's dealing with and ultimately, your engagement is not the biggest thing on her mind right now.

If it *is* a problem for her, then she will have to talk to you about it - not you talk to her about why you think it might be a problem for her. Why don't you be a good friend tonight, ask her truly how she is and if everything is ok in her world.

I think if you go ahead with a "why aren't you happy for me?" question, it's not going to lead to happy places.

bubblyjo2010

Thanks for the replies.....

I have no intention of making this all about me and I'm quite happy not to talk to her about wedding stuff if it is going to hurt her - but I need to know that that is the case to do that.

I don't like confrontation and dealing with things like this at the best of times and in other situations I would just ignore it, but think it's an accumulation of things now that need to be dealt with (she has been quite selfish about other things in the past) but I will be nnice about it and see what happens.

jtr2803

Hi Jo,

I hope all goes well with your friend tonight. Maybe I can offer some input as I am probably quite similar to your friend. I have massive jealousy issues relating to friends and colleagues getting married, when my boss got engaged I could only mumble congratulations, then I came home to ball my eyes out. I am afraid to say it is jealousy but she has to realise that is what it is and indulge it a little bit.

I know it's easy for most people on this forum to say 'she should be happy for you' but that's because most of you are getting married and maybe haven't had those 'when is it going to be my turn?' feelings. I am definately not saying her actions are justified at all but as a person on the other side of the fence (only at the present time.....hopefully ) I do know how hard it can be. I now find it much easier to try and help with the planning without being over the top, I helped my boss with honeymoon and entertainment suggestions and that's my way of experiencing some wedding excitement! Do you think she could help with this at all, if she is a very good friend and you trust her why not try and get her involved, maybe she could do your favours or similar?

If she isn't that good a friend or you think that she can't overcome the jealousy then as harsh as it may seem then you may have to be very honest with her and remove her from your plans. You should be able to enjoy planning your big day and are well within your rights to be, the way I see it she can either be involved and get excited on your behalf or back away so that what she isn't involved with and doesnt know wont hurt her?

Hope it all works out for you anyway